I have a terrible problem and need to know if anyone has had such an experience and/or advice on how to deal with it.
I have been unwillingly celibate in my marriage for over two and a half years -- completely celibate, with almost no physical affection, even. It happened gradually, beginning as early as a year into the marriage. It's amazing that I ever became pregnant -- but I did, and after that, intimacy vanished completely. I tried a number of times to initiate it and was rebuffed. Now I'm no supermodel, but I'm still nubile and considered attractive; I'm clean and groomed and not frumpy. I even used to be kind and loving to my husband, and I was never rejecting or unresponsive sexually, so the standard excuses he might have are not there. When I occasionally broke down and told him I was unhappy with the situation, he was so defensive and in denial that our relationship, if you want to call it that, only became worse. So I dropped it and just tried to live with it, doing my best to squish down all sexual and romantic feelings and all need for affection and companionship. Sometimes I thought I had conquered it, but lately it's gotten so much harder to squish. Last week I completely broke down and wrote him a long letter telling him precisely what had happened (or not happened) between us from my point of view and how I felt about it, and begging for an explanation. Finally I got him to talk to me -- it was like pulling teeth -- and what I got out of him was a parody of Catholic views of marital sexuality, with that as his reason for having been put off by the whole thing. My husband is a nominal evangelical Protestant, by the way, and he knew and agreed to my beliefs when we got married. I also need to point out, whatever anyone here thinks of it, that I believed NFP was acceptable to practice and that I did so successfully and with his full approval for two years, so he is unjustified in painting me as a nitpicky prude who just wanted to be repeatedly impregnated. I was so distraught by what he said and so desperate to change the situation that yes, I broke down and did something sinful in order to please him. Did it change the situation? No, not as far as I can see. He's as cold and indifferent as ever.
I have no idea what to do. My loveless marriage has left me so defeated that old friends notice it, although they don't know the cause. I'm not willing to play "Total Womanhood"-type games with plastic wrap and cute temper tantrums, and at this point I barely have affection for him, so just being nice and not talking to him with sarcasm is extremely difficult. Also it makes me sad that if things continue, I will never have more than one child. I'm just -- stuck. Until he dies, or I do. How, how can I find joy in this situation?