||Two men considering
a religious vocation were having a conversation. "What is similar about the
Jesuit and Dominican Orders? " the one asked.
The second replied, "Well, they were both founded by Spaniards -- St. Dominic
for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were
also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians,
and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants."
"What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?"
"Met any Albigensians lately?"
A man walked up
to a Franciscan and Jesuit and asked, "How many novenas must you say to get
a Mercedes Benz?"
The Franciscan asked, "What's a Mercedes Benz?"
The Jesuit asked, "What's a novena?"
A Franciscan and
Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. So, they decided to ask
for a sign from God. This is what they received falling down from heaven:
Please stop bickering about such trivial matters,
Two Jesuit novices
both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior
for permission. The first asked but was told no. A little while later he
spotted his friend smoking and praying. "Why did the superior allow you to
smoke and not me?" he asked. His friend replied, "Because you asked if you
could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!"
A rabbi, a priest
and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"
A Jesuit, a Dominican,
and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp,
and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared
and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could
each have one wish. The Jezzie said he wanted to teach at the world's most
famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach
in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said,
"Gee, I already got my wish!"
A little boy was
listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly his
eye the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father's sleeve, he
said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?"
Jesus was walking
along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of
ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so
Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast
the first stone."
The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden,
a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to
the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.
Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."
An Irishman moves
into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which
he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again.
The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several
times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the
town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always
order three beers?"
'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and
one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that
we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping
up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the
Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to
the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender
pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening
- he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered
for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first
of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You
know-the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear
that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have
decided to give up drinking for Lent."
The Pope goes to
New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the
beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive.
Would you please let me?"
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't
think I'm supposed to do that."
But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right,
I can't really say no to the Pope."
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas
and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.
The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and
surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back
to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed
limit but it's someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Chief: Who's more important than the president?
Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him!
Scene: New York
City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop
yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father"
Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."
The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc.
Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."
Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin"
Man replies "Who is that?"
Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You're blocking traffic!"
A Jewish couple
has a son who is a holy terror. When he gets to be of age, he's kicked out
of every school they put him in. Finally desperate, the father goes to the
Rabbi for advice and the Rabbi says put him in the Catholic school. Shocked,
the father asks if the Rabbi sure. "Yes" is the reply, so the father takes
him to the nuns and leaves.
An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the son
comes in says "Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama," goes to the table
and starts on his homework. The father is amazed and finally ask why he stayed
in school all day and why he is behaving so well. His son looks up and says
"Papa when you left, the Mother Superior told me that they did not allow
rowdy boys, then she took me to my room. Papa they mean business! They've
got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!"
A nun at a Catholic
school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Suzy declares, "I want to be a prostitute."
"What did you say?!" asks the nun, totally shocked.
"I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats.
"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"
A farmer named
Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a wee dog that he loved and doted
on. After many long years of faithful companionship, the dog finally died,
so Muldoon went to the parish priest:
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a Mass for him?"
Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death.
But, unfortunately, I can't say Mass for the poor creature..."
Muldoon said, "I understand, Father, I do. I guess I'll go to this new
denomination down the road; no tellin' what they believe... Do you think
$500 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me your wee dog was Catholic?!"
Late one night,
a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the
living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice
say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus
is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again.
He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he
spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:
"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The
burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named
you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."
A pair of Irish
ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street
from a house of prostitution.
They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house.
"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those
Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both
shook their heads and continued working.
A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then
darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see
that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing holy to those
Jewish rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these
days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame,
I tell ya!"
Not much later a third man, a Catholic priest, was seen lurking about the
house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaked
in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap and crossing himself,
"One of the poor girls musta died...."
A priest and a
bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. They get to the
pearly gates where Pope St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest,
and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50
acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll.
St. Peter turns to the priest and says "This will be yours for eternity.
A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden,
and a library full of books."
The priest says, "Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!" St. Peter drops
off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver.
They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500
acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge 200-room
castle on one of the mountains, and a wishing well that makes wishes come
true. St. Peter says "This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that
castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything
The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says "Well, now, don't think I'm not
grateful, but why am I getting so much more than the priest?"
St. Peter just laughs and says "You brought more souls to Heaven! When the
priest preached, everyone fell asleep. When you drove your bus, people
Years ago in Ireland,
there was a priest who was very anti-British. Every Sunday he would blast
them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the Pope himself summoned
the priest to Rome for an audience.
"Father," said the Pope, "I want that there should be peace between the British
and the Irish. You're not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring
and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you'll never so much as mention the
British in public again."
"But Your Holiness, I - I - " the priest stammered.
"No buts," said the Pope. "Swear it here and now or there'll be trouble!"
"Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. "All right. I swear it."
The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back
at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon.
He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And one of you
shall betray Me."
The priest continues: "Saint Andrew jumps up and says, 'Is it I Lord?' and
the Lord says, 'Nay, Andy darlin', it's not you. Sit down now and dunna worry.
Eat your supper.'
Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries, 'Is
it I Lord?' And the Lord says, 'Nay, Johnny me boy, it's not you. Sit down
now and dunna fret yourself. Eat your supper.'
"Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowww-ly rises to his feet. And he looks
the Lord right in the eye and says, 'Blimey, Mate. Ya think it's me?"
A Catholic boy
and a Jewish boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows
more than your rabbi." The Jewish boy said, "Of course he does, you tell
An elderly man
bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 90
years old and for the seventy years I've been married I never cheated on
my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then --wow!"
"How long has it been since your last Confession ?" asks the priest.
"I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish"
"Then why are you telling me this?"
"I'm telling everyone!"
Lost on a rainy
Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there.
Fortunately, he's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish
and chips he's ever had.
After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two
brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis."
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful
dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity,
who cooked what?"
Brother Michael replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
Father turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...."
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk..."
After the Baptism
of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the
back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally,
the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian
home, but I want to stay with you guys."
Not so very long
ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so
he decided to go to Confession.
He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during
World War II I hid a refugee in my attic."
The priest said, "But that's not a sin! I wouldn't feel bad about that if
I were you!"
"But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed."
The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn't the most noble thing
to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his life, after
all, and that is a good thing. Don't worry about it too much; God forgives."
The man said, "Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only one
more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
The children were
lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the
head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted
on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all
you want. God is watching the apples.
Q. Why can't Anglicans
A. Because they can't tell a Bishop from a Queen.
A man suffered
a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened
from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going
to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law."
goes running into the Holy Father’s office and is quite beside himself.
“Holy Father, Holy Father!”
“What is it my son?” the pope responds.
“I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear
“The good news”, responds the Holy Father.
The Cardinal says “OK. The good news is that the Lord Jesus has returned
as He promised!”
“Alleluia, Alleluia. Praise be to God!”, the Holy Father responds
“So what’s the bad news? “
Ratzinger responds “He in Salt Lake City.”
A man walks into
a monastery and says “I want to be monk.”
The abbot replies “Great! But you realize we are not allowed to talk
except every ten years.”
The man replies “Fine.”
Ten years go by and the man goes into the abbot’s office. The abbot
asks, “Well my son what have you to say.
The man replies “Bed’s hard.”
The abbot remarks, “Is that it?”
The man says, “Yes”.
Another ten years go by and the man goes into the abbot’s office and
says, “Food stinks!”
The abbot asks, “Is that it?”
And the man says “Yes.”
Another ten years goes by and the man goes into the abbot’s office and
says “Water’s cold. I quit!”
And the abbot replies, “Figures! You’ve been complaining ever since
you got here!"
The 98 year old
Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed
trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk
to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the
kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back
at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a
little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole
glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please
give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't
sell that cow.
There are 3 fundamental
truths about religion: Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God, Protestants
don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ, and Baptists don't recognize
each other at the bar on Saturday nights.
An Irish priest
is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been
drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says,
"Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good
Lord! He's done it again!"
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