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Full Version: ABC and a rock and a hard place
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Not sure if this is an appropriate location for this post - Vox, please feel free to move it if necessary ...

The good lady wife (not a Catholic ... yet) and myself (cradle Catholic) have had two children in our 6 year marriage. We have used NFP but the misses has never been confident with it and is convinced it doesn't work for her (we had several 'surprises' which led to miscarriages). She just announced to me today that she does not want any more children after she turns 35 and she became very irate when I brought up the idea of 'going back to school' to get a refresher on NFP.

This is a subject we (particularly me) dance around and have been avoiding for the last 6 years - she has always known my position on the matter and has yielded to me, however, I have also known her discomfort and just hoped that somehow everything would work itself out, so I'm not too surprised that it has sort of come to a bit of a head ...

Frankly, at the moment I'm kind of lost and stressing out - I just don't know what to do, the options seem to be either total abstinence until menopause or ABCs ...

If anyone has any wise words, or experiences in a similar situation I would be most grateful  :(( ...
Disclaimer: I will say up front that I am not a fan of NFP, so maybe my answer will be biased. I think NFP is nothing more than a HUGE compromise with the birth control crowd. Catholic Birth Control. And yes, I am very well educated on the matter, so please don't refer me to Janet Smith :)

That being said:

Honestly, given the little bit you said, she was using NFP as birth control anyway. The only "good" thing about that is that it's not an abortifcient.

When you were married, was she clear on the whole Catholic pledge to be open to life and to raise your children Catholic? Were you married in the Catholic Church? Were y'all aware that the only licit reason to use NFP is in very grave circumstances?

Did you suggest a refresher on NFP because you were hoping she would not use ABC but would use NFP instead? If so, that's using NFP with a birth control mentality, and that is not licit for Catholics.

I can understand why she would get mad, to be honest. If she doesn't believe in the Church's teaching with regards to birth control (whatever method), then why should she go through the trouble of NFP, especially if she isn't good at it? Condoms are a lot easier and it can be argued that they still leave open a possibility to life since they can tear. See what I mean? You certainly can't blame her for getting upset.

If she were to use ABC, then yes, I'm pretty sure total abstinence is the only option for you. You can't control what she does, but you can control what you do.

You should probably talk to a trusted priest (with or without her).

Maybe someone else can shed some light on this? Like I said, my answer is biased....
(01-20-2014, 02:15 PM)Aggie3 Wrote: [ -> ]If she were to use ABC, then yes, I'm pretty sure total abstinence is the only option for you. You can't control what she does, but you can control what you do.

You should probably talk to a trusted priest (with or without her).

What Aggie says above would be the best recourse until you get this sorted out. It may be your only option, in the end, but only time will tell.

I have used NFP at various times throughout my marriage, and I had originally said that we wouldn't have kids past 35 for me and 40 for my husband (we have about a 4.5 year age difference). We are now 36 (I will be 37 by the time it's due) and 41 and expecting our 4th, LOL.

The OP, you didn't say how old you and your wife are. Is the age 35 deadline looming? Is your wife Catholic?  [edit: I reread your post, and your wife is not Catholic... that is a huge issue and frankly I don't know anyone married a non-Catholic and were able to fulfill their obligation to be "open to life" due to the non-Catholic spouse's actions, with or without the Catholic's spouse's consent or acquiesce.]

Most importantly, WHY does she not want more kids?

Rarely, the issues with NFP aren't issues with NFP, but issues of trust, faith, and burnout. THOSE are the issues that need to be addressed in your marriage.