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Full Version: Advice for men (possibly women) with same sex attraction
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This is something I have discovered over the years that I would like to pass on to others (I don't know much about SSA in women)...

Basically, to be fulfilled humans we need to experience four core intimacies:

1. Intimacy with God
2. Intimacy with Ourselves
3. Intimacy with Men
4. Intimacy with Women

Think of intimacy as a genus. Sexual intimacy is just one species in this genus.

In the context of number 3, men with varying degrees of same sex attraction tend to fall into two errors: The first is that they think that intimacy with men is gay, wrong and sinful, and that they will never be able to experience that intimacy with men that they desire. The second, is the idea that intimacy with men can only be accomplished through sex.

The reality is that, firstly, authentic intimacy with the same sex is never wrong, or sinful, and definitely not gay. Heterosexuals (for lack of a better word) experience it more easily, and generally did do throughout childhood, and most crucially adolescence. Secondly, you can never be authentically intimate with another man through sex, because two men are not physically or psychologically capable of sexual intimacy. We're just not designed that way.

In living a gay lifestyle, you incapacitate your ability to experience true intimacy with men, but you crave it ever the more. You are literally dying a slow spiritual and psychic death, which is the real reason rates of mental health problems and suicide are so high among 'lesbians and gays'.

The work of healing entails learning how to be intimate with men, the healthy, authentic, fulfilling and blessed way.

Men who live a gay lifestyle are acting on a 'natural', reparative drive, the subconscious need to fill a deficit. It is however a disordered response (not any different to other neuroses).

What leads to this deficit? In my case it was due to trauma in childhood and adolescence that, when combined with other biopsychosocial factors, led to perceive sense of rejection from same sex peers during adolescence. This developed into a sense 'low-gender esteem' and an unfulfilled need for affirmation from males (which can never be obtained through sex).

No amount of adult love can undo what was lacking in adolescence. After the period of neurological change in adolescence, if you don't experience it already, you are unlikely to develop post-adolescence the physical attraction heterosexuals have. But this is not necessary for marriage. This is the bad news. The good news is there is a massive amount of haling you can have if you choose to make the journey.

The Catholic Church does not demand that you make the journey. It just says you need to be chaste. Are you satisfied with that? A life of imposed celibacy and unfulfilled intimacy? Many people choose this. You can have more. I wanted more. I got it.

One more point: contrary to what many well meaning Catholics believe, you are NOT destined to a life of celibacy. Actually, it is my firm belief that God calls the man with SSA to marriage most of the time, just like He does in the case of most men.
Miles,


This is an excellent post, and I agree with most of what you have said. Though, I'm not sure that same-sex attraction goes away in the sense that I think you are indicating. I can't imagine marriage to a woman, not because I don't see marriage a great good, but because I don't think I can provide a woman with the emotional bonding that is necessary in a holy marriage. Trust me, I've tried to date women.
Thank you for
(02-13-2015, 12:22 PM)Ptochos Wrote: [ -> ]Thank you for this great post. It contains a lot of wisdom. At the age of 50, I am enjoying my first healthy intimate friendship with a man. He is straight, married, Catholic, and unafraid of my sexual identity. I have grown greatly through this friendship and thank God daily for blessing me with it.

I do disagree with your statement that most men with SSA are called to marriage. Like Papist, I truly and honestly believe that I could never give a good woman what she deserves in the way of intimacy, emotionally and definitely not physically. I'm sure I could find a woman who may want some financial security but she would be settling for second best. I may also be able to find a SSA woman who wants to marry a man but I'm not sure I would call our relationship a true marriage, even if we were able to consummate it.

My friendship with the married man has opened my eyes, my heart, and my spirit, to the wonders God has given us in chaste friendship. I believe the examples of religious brothers and sisters attest to this and I believe that with emotional healing, gay men and lesbians can be fulfilled on all levels through these healthy chaste friendships with both men and women.

Please pray for me, a sinner.
Well stated
Excellent post Miles.

Indeed intimacy could be achieved without breaking the sixth commandment.

N.