FishEaters Traditional Catholic Forums

Full Version: Mass confusion
You're currently viewing a stripped down version of our content. View the full version with proper formatting.
Punny title is punny.

So I can't get to Mass without a ride from my mom because I don't have a car and don't have a license anyway. Some days, I know very well which Masses I can reasonably get to (and sometimes it's not the one my mom goes to), but my mom either can't or won't take me. She doesn't want to leave the house again after the Mass she goes to. When I ask if she'll take me, she says she doesn't want to give up her church or leave her priest...but I'm not asking her to do any of those things, give me a ride to the church.  ??? Anyway, sometimes things come up. For example, last week, I missed Mass even though I could make it to the 5 PM Mass we have here on Saturday nights, because I wanted to go to the 7 PM one or the 3 PM Sunday one (but it seems like something always goes wrong on Sunday and we very seldom get to go...depending on when I sleep, sometimes I can make it to the 9 AM Sunday one, like I did recently, because something came up where I missed the one on Saturday). I asked my nana if she would go with me to the 7 PM one (she can't take me to the 9 AM Sunday one because she takes my aunt to that one; no one else is really available...I called my uncle once to ask and he didn't answer his phone), but she said she'd rather not go to that one because hers is the Sunday morning one and suggested I go to the 3 PM Sunday one I waited, and it turned out that I was getting quite sick in terms of energy depletion and slept through the majority of the weekend (through the 7 PM Mass I asked to go to and the 3 PM Mass on Sunday, and quite a bit into Monday, on and off).

Is there anything you guys think I can do to help manage this? I feel bad when I miss Mass, and it's becoming more and more of an issue because I'm either sick or really tired when my mom wants to go and miss that one, my mom won't take me to the one that works best for me without getting upset and/or acting like she's bailing out on her parish, or various other reasons come up ("It looks like we're going to get some rain and I don't want to leave Bandit [our dog] here") etc...sometimes I miss two Sundays in a row. I don't like it and I'm trying not to get scrupulous over when I miss because I know these types of things mean it's not mortal, because it's not deliberate (ie, staying home to watch a football game).

It's also confusing because sometimes my mom rephrases things as though I'm the only reason she waited on going. Ie, "I could have taken you to the 5" when she was at least implying we'd go Sunday at 3, and then I'm upset and/or confused over that. She suggested I take a nap before the 3 PM one and when I woke up, it was almost time for Mass to start and my mom was still home and hadn't woken me up, which she does if we're going to Mass.

I really wish I could persuade her to take the extra time to take me to a Mass where I'm almost certain I won't be sick or low on energy...Sunday morning and even afternoon Masses are hard for me to make (and the only time there's a Sunday afternoon Mass is the first Sunday of the month anyway) because of my insomnia and odd sleep cycle. Some days/nights, it is very hard for me to sleep.

I apologize for the lengthy post.
maybe you should listen to your mother and go to mass when she tells you to.

As I've said before, I'm not good at advice but I had to say something here because I sort of understand where you are coming from.  There are some days with my illness that getting to Mass is difficult.  Truly, I understand the energy level problem.  As well, I gave up my car as an unnecessary expense so I rely on people to give me lifts.  Thirdly, my parents are like your mom in that they don't want to leave the house or make special trips for certain things.

The only thing I can really tell you is to compromise.  Out of all the Masses you discussed, you'll have to find one that works for both of you.  Since you are the one relying on someone for a ride, and relying on someone that you know can't be depended upon for your preferred Mass time, it would only make sense to shift your schedule to be closer to your mom's.  For example, I know which days my mother and father have as days off work so I have to schedule my appointments (if possible) for only those days.  When some things don't have that option, I know I'm facing drama.  So, if she only goes at certain times, and you know it beforehand, focus on getting a ride at that time.

You'll have to become a bit more regular in your schedule and discuss things ahead of time if you want a ride at a certain time that your mom seems to offer.  If you make yourself dedicated to that time, you can remind your mom (nicely!) during the week that she agreed to take you to a specific Mass.  You'd be working with her schedule/when she could drive you/leave the house and you'd be getting your preferred Mass.

Now, this last tidbit may seem the hardest but you'll have to try.  Trust me, I know it's difficult to have fatigue, illness and make it to Mass.  I've gone to Mass so sick the priest told me to just stay home.  When I go to support my fiancé at Divine Liturgy, his priest had to remind me that it's O.K. to sit down.  We have to be honest with ourselves and judge as far we can push ourselves safely.  Sometimes we need to acknowledge that we NEED to push ourselves to get things done.  That's how I get through my days.  There are times I know I'd love to have a nap but I know I won't get where I want to go or do what I want to do if I have the nap.  So I skip it and have a longer one afterwards.  So, if you feel a nap beforehand on Mass days and know the outcome, just don't do it.

It's funny how this came up but I read some pamphlets on Insomnia and Organ Failure people and it was advised to limit daytime naps as a way to create a more regular sleep schedule.  I've been attempting that... But anyway, not to wander away from your OP but on Mass weekends, at least try to have a more regular schedule.

Remember, you are relying on someone to help you with an end goal so there has to be some give and take.  If all this fails, find a good Mass for shut ins.  You may miss receiving the Eucharist but it may help in the bad feelings you have about missing Mass.

Lastly, now, I don't know why you don't have your license so if it is a medical reason, ignore this.  But, if it is a question of funds and time, work on both of those and get your license.  Then make an even longer term goal of having a car and then not worrying on how to get to Mass at all.  Then, you can help those in your current situation get to Mass! In the past, I found that help me connect with older parishioners that I maybe wouldn't have got to know.  I

Edit: Here's something I thought about before my own powernap (Ha ha ha ha.) If you want to go to a certain parish for a specific Mass for a certain Holy Day of Obligation, think about a taxi fund if possible with your finances.

Useless advice but I hope something helped.  Good luck and God bless.
Zubr, I think you're very good at advice. :) Thank you for helping! I know it isn't a deliberate missing of Mass, but it still bugs me. I'll try to find some things to help me sleep and wake up at good times, at least for Mass. My mom got me some nice new curtains for my room that block out the light (the others were mostly for decoration, not for practicality) and I've found that I sleep much more quickly and easily with them.

Also, to people who may be reading over our shoulders (to borrow Tracy's expression), I mean no disrespect to my mom. She has health issues and such, and I understand why she doesn't want to make extra trips. I'm just trying to find a good compromise where we can both go to church at times that are the most beneficial to us both.
First off, I totally get what it's like to have parents that don't want to make extra trips.  My parents are older and still work so when the day is over or they're in "weekend mode", they're homebodies.  From this, I've learned you have to purposely make appointments (and remind them, so they prepare themselves) and just work with their scheduling.  After understanding your mom's schedule and "how she moves" for awhile, you'll know which Mass works best for both of you.

Also, you have my sympathy with your insomnia.  I can go to bed at 10 pm and be staring at the ceiling until 2:30 am.  The next day is a total disaster.  Then, I'm on pills to slow my heart rate so when I do sleep, I'm out cold.  All this means the next day is ruined.  But there are things that work! Find a relaxing scent (if you do not have allergies) and perfume your bedsheets.  Find a "sleep inducing" podcast.  Get a nice sleep mask.  I bought some really soft lavender cream and got a bit of an "over the top" lavender petals stuffed heat up face mask that works wonders!  Warm up my hot pack frog in the microwave and zzzzz's come easy! As always, a good round of regular prayers before bedtime helps too!
Sometimes when God wants to lead us to holiness he will take away the consolations that we would normally receive. By removing you from the mass you want to go to and relying on someone else to get to mass this mortification is god's way to lead you to a greater communion with Him.
I would recommend that if you missed any mass through your own fault that you mention this in confession and go with your mother. Offer this sacrifice of going to mass with her for the greater glory of God. I know that it is hard to understand at this moment but in the future you will see that this is the better way.   
I'm assuming because you have a choice in Masses that you live in an urban area. Is there not a way to simply get yourself to your "choice" Mass, such as walking, riding a bike or taking Mass transit (or even a cab at least one way)? Or just biting the bullet and going with your mom, no matter when she goes?

It may not get you to your preferred Mass, but at least you fulfill your obligation.

Also, I'm not familiar with your history so I don't know, but why do you sleep so much/sleep such a struggle? Is that something that can be addressed so you have a more normal sleep cycle, so your schedules fits more in with other people's? I'm sympathetic that you just "want a ride to Mass", but you're asking other people to change their schedules to suit you, no matter how small it might seem to you. Most people don't mind it once or twice, but if this is an ongoing thing I'm sure they're wondering why you can't just "get it together".

I know I've sometimes asked for rides home from Mass after getting myself there. I try to pick someone who's going in my general direction anyway, and then have them drop me off along their route so they're not taking a detour, and then walking the rest of the way. Even if I have to walk 20 minutes, it's better than walking 1 hour+ home if I walked the whole way.