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Trad Men and Annulled Women - PatienceAndLove - 09-01-2014

My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up back in May.  It was a long distance relationship.  He made the suggestion that there were plenty of Trad men in my area, and I should have no problem replacing him.

So, out of curiosity, I registered with two well-known online dating sites for Catholics.  My searches have turned up CINOs galore, staunch OF-ers (know desire to explore Traditional Catholicism), and Trad guys with no interest in annulled women.
The CINOs hit me up rather regularly, but are more interested in getting together for adult activities and the ability to finally say to their families "look! she's Catholic!"; or they espouse heretical beliefs like Mary Magdalene being Christ's lover (?!?!?!??!!!!).
The staunch OF-ers are interesting to talk to, but many have expressed concern over my photo of me veiling (no one does that anymore!) and my preferred Mass being the EF (the priest has his back to the people! no one speaks Latin!!). 
The Trad guys I have attempted to talk to message me back summarily dismissing me because I am annulled and have a child.  I actually had one guy tell me that he only wanted to marry a virgin!

Suffice to say, this has devastated me, and actually driven me to tears several times.


PLEASE someone tell me that all of these men are anomalies and that maybe I will find the man God wishes me to meet.

OH! And I do attend the EF in my area- the other attendees are older (50's+), married, or seminarians (at least that's a good thing that the seminarians are attending!!)
I do admit to not making it up to the EF in Erie, as that's is currently a bit far away (I already have to drive to Edinboro everyday for my temp job... driving to Erie on a Sunday feels a bit much).

TIA, y'all!


Re: Trad Men and Annulled Women - Clare Brigid - 09-01-2014

Date the staunch OF men.

My advice is to stop being so "in your face" about your traditionalism.  Really, just stop.  Yes, believe it or not, there are more important things.  If you insist on this, you're going to be very lonely.

You need to allow these men a chance to learn and grow.  They have misperceptions.  Would you please accept that?  You are expecting them to go from 0 to 60 in the space of a few Web chats.  It won't happen and it's unreasonable to expect this.

Focus on the will of God for both of you.  You can mention that you attend the traditional Mass, but do this is in a positive way, e.g. focusing on how it helps you to pray or that you find it beautiful.  Don't be ideological or militant.  And don't talk about it all the time.  If you do that, he will feel you are indicting his own religious life.

You need to develop emotional intelligence and prudence.  In any case, many "trad men" are obsessive-compulsive, hateful jerks with lots of hangups and baggage.  You don't necessarily want that.  Do you?

Basically, I am suggesting both patience and love.  Sound familiar?  :P


Re: Trad Men and Annulled Women - MiriamB - 09-01-2014

(09-01-2014, 03:27 PM)Clare Brigid Wrote: Date the staunch OF men.

My advice is to stop being so "in your face" about your traditionalism.  Really, just stop.  Yes, believe it or not, there are more important things.  If you insist on this, you're going to be very lonely.

You need to allow these men a chance to learn and grow.  They have misperceptions.  Would you please accept that?  You are expecting them to go from 0 to 60 in the space of a few Web chats.  It won't happen and it's unreasonable to expect this.

Focus on the will of God for both of you.  You can mention that you attend the traditional Mass, but do this is in a positive way, e.g. focusing on how it helps you to pray or that you find it beautiful.  Don't be ideological or militant.  And don't talk about it all the time.  If you do that, he will feel you are indicting his own religious life.

You need to develop emotional intelligence and prudence.  In any case, many "trad men" are obsessive-compulsive, hateful jerks with lots of hangups and baggage.  You don't necessarily want that.  Do you?

Basically, I am suggesting both patience and love.  Sound familiar?  :P
Wonderfully and brilliantly stated, Clare.


Re: Trad Men and Annulled Women - PatienceAndLove - 09-01-2014

(09-01-2014, 03:27 PM)Clare Brigid Wrote: Date the staunch OF men.

My advice is to stop being so "in your face" about your traditionalism.  Really, just stop.  Yes, believe it or not, there are more important things.  If you insist on this, you're going to be very lonely.

You need to allow these men a chance to learn and grow.  They have misperceptions.  Would you please accept that?  You are expecting them to go from 0 to 60 in the space of a few Web chats.  It won't happen and it's unreasonable to expect this.

Focus on the will of God for both of you.  You can mention that you attend the traditional Mass, but do this is in a positive way, e.g. focusing on how it helps you to pray or that you find it beautiful.  Don't be ideological or militant.  And don't talk about it all the time.  If you do that, he will feel you are indicting his own religious life.

You need to develop emotional intelligence and prudence.  In any case, many "trad men" are obsessive-compulsive, hateful jerks with lots of hangups and baggage.  You don't necessarily want that.  Do you?

Basically, I am suggesting both patience and love.  Sound familiar?  :P

I'm actually not. The only things that state I am traditional is that there is a picture of me in a veil on my profile, and my preferred Mass to attend is the EF. Otherwise, there's nothing. It's those two items that get the ire. I hardly get the chance to let them get to know me before the "you're Trad?! *hissss*" starts. It kinda hurts that just those two little items cause such a hard reaction.


Re: Trad Men and Annulled Women - PrairieMom - 09-01-2014

(09-01-2014, 03:27 PM)Clare Brigid Wrote: Date the staunch OF men.

My advice is to stop being so "in your face" about your traditionalism.  Really, just stop.  Yes, believe it or not, there are more important things.  If you insist on this, you're going to be very lonely.

You need to allow these men a chance to learn and grow.  They have misperceptions.  Would you please accept that?  You are expecting them to go from 0 to 60 in the space of a few Web chats.  It won't happen and it's unreasonable to expect this.

Focus on the will of God for both of you.  You can mention that you attend the traditional Mass, but do this is in a positive way, e.g. focusing on how it helps you to pray or that you find it beautiful.  Don't be ideological or militant.  And don't talk about it all the time.  If you do that, he will feel you are indicting his own religious life.

You need to develop emotional intelligence and prudence.  In any case, many "trad men" are obsessive-compulsive, hateful jerks with lots of hangups and baggage.  You don't necessarily want that.  Do you?

Basically, I am suggesting both patience and love.  Sound familiar?  :P

I think I agree with this. Let's face it, in all circles there's a shortage of eligible, not-insane, marriage Catholic men (sorry guys, but it's true). Most Catholic women I know married non-Catholic men (my mother included) because they tend to not stick with "the program" and wander away from Catholism, hence becoming CINOs if they're even that.

My husband is staunchly NO, but gradually over time he's come to see why I'm attracted to the EF and Trad practices. Relationships are give and take. I'm annulled too, and even in secular circles it's tough for women to find new men sometimes, I had lots of guys shy away from me because they were convinced I would dump them and go back to my ex.

*shrugs*


Re: Trad Men and Annulled Women - PrairieMom - 09-01-2014

(09-01-2014, 03:58 PM)PatienceAndLove Wrote:
(09-01-2014, 03:27 PM)Clare Brigid Wrote: Date the staunch OF men.

My advice is to stop being so "in your face" about your traditionalism.  Really, just stop.  Yes, believe it or not, there are more important things.  If you insist on this, you're going to be very lonely.

You need to allow these men a chance to learn and grow.  They have misperceptions.  Would you please accept that?  You are expecting them to go from 0 to 60 in the space of a few Web chats.  It won't happen and it's unreasonable to expect this.

Focus on the will of God for both of you.  You can mention that you attend the traditional Mass, but do this is in a positive way, e.g. focusing on how it helps you to pray or that you find it beautiful.  Don't be ideological or militant.  And don't talk about it all the time.  If you do that, he will feel you are indicting his own religious life.

You need to develop emotional intelligence and prudence.  In any case, many "trad men" are obsessive-compulsive, hateful jerks with lots of hangups and baggage.  You don't necessarily want that.  Do you?

Basically, I am suggesting both patience and love.  Sound familiar?  :P

I'm actually not. The only things that state I am traditional is that there is a picture of me in a veil on my profile, and my preferred Mass to attend is the EF. Otherwise, there's nothing. It's those two items that get the ire. I hardly get the chance to let them get to know me before the "you're Trad?! *hissss*" starts. It kinda hurts that just those two little items cause such a hard reaction.

So not to compromise your beliefs and who you are, but maybe keep that part not in the forefront until you've had at least a couple of conversations. They obviously have hang ups about it, so give them a chance to see "you" without those preconceptions.


Re: Trad Men and Annulled Women - divinesilence80 - 09-01-2014

Lots of generalizations about men here and they say I'm bad lol! If you were a guy, finding a decent Catholic woman is as hard as many of you say it is to find a man. My advice, pray. Not for a husband, but for God to show you the way to your vocation. I think there are by far a lot more women who obsess about finding their "prince charming" than there are men who are legitimately insane. Guys can sniff out a desperate woman like sharks can smell blood. The reaction however is the opposite. Sharks go to the blood, men run away from such women. Go to God, calm yourself, and things will fall into place.


Re: Trad Men and Annulled Women - PatienceAndLove - 09-01-2014

(09-01-2014, 04:01 PM)PrairieMom Wrote:
(09-01-2014, 03:58 PM)PatienceAndLove Wrote:
(09-01-2014, 03:27 PM)Clare Brigid Wrote: Date the staunch OF men.

My advice is to stop being so "in your face" about your traditionalism.  Really, just stop.  Yes, believe it or not, there are more important things.  If you insist on this, you're going to be very lonely.

You need to allow these men a chance to learn and grow.  They have misperceptions.  Would you please accept that?  You are expecting them to go from 0 to 60 in the space of a few Web chats.  It won't happen and it's unreasonable to expect this.

Focus on the will of God for both of you.  You can mention that you attend the traditional Mass, but do this is in a positive way, e.g. focusing on how it helps you to pray or that you find it beautiful.  Don't be ideological or militant.  And don't talk about it all the time.  If you do that, he will feel you are indicting his own religious life.

You need to develop emotional intelligence and prudence.  In any case, many "trad men" are obsessive-compulsive, hateful jerks with lots of hangups and baggage.  You don't necessarily want that.  Do you?

Basically, I am suggesting both patience and love.  Sound familiar?  :P

I'm actually not. The only things that state I am traditional is that there is a picture of me in a veil on my profile, and my preferred Mass to attend is the EF. Otherwise, there's nothing. It's those two items that get the ire. I hardly get the chance to let them get to know me before the "you're Trad?! *hissss*" starts. It kinda hurts that just those two little items cause such a hard reaction.

So not to compromise your beliefs and who you are, but maybe keep that part not in the forefront until you've had at least a couple of conversations. They obviously have hang ups about it, so give them a chance to see "you" without those preconceptions.

I can take the pic of me in the veil off, but I won't change my preferred Mass just to please some unknown guy. If he can't love me for loving the EF, I don't want him to love me


Re: Trad Men and Annulled Women - Renatus Frater - 09-01-2014

(09-01-2014, 04:00 PM)PrairieMom Wrote: I think I agree with this. Let's face it, in all circles there's a shortage of eligible, not-insane, marriage Catholic men (sorry guys, but it's true). Most Catholic women I know married non-Catholic men (my mother included) because they tend to not stick with "the program" and wander away from Catholism, hence becoming CINOs if they're even that.

My husband is staunchly NO, but gradually over time he's come to see why I'm attracted to the EF and Trad practices. Relationships are give and take. I'm annulled too, and even in secular circles it's tough for women to find new men sometimes, I had lots of guys shy away from me because they were convinced I would dump them and go back to my ex.

*shrugs*


What are you calling insane and eligible?
These Catholic women you mention are precisely the problem serious Catholic men are trying to avoid, and they (among other more scandalous examples) generate suspicion towards Catholic women in general: how serious these women take their faith if they marry a non-Catholic? What would they compromise later? Maybe they'll think down the road the Church is just being too insane denying divorce at one's will; maybe they'll think a bit of adultery is OK – after all, its normal today and one have to experience life, right?; etc.
Of course, you might say these thoughts are completely unwarranted, and you might even give examples. But the fact is that they occur, specially with 'trads' – like myself – who would rather stay single than marry a non-Catholic. Marriage is a very great big deal for Catholics: its a sacrament, a means of grace – one called to it cannot be saved without it. So on and so forth.

So you have to pardon the suspicion, and if that makes one look insane, well, that's just living in modernity.
And these things, among others, also makes quite hard for Catholic men to find a wife – and mind you, I'm not even as strict as some other trads (if God Himself has forgiven, who am I not to forgive? There's a parable on that, you know).

As to the staunchly NO thing: I wouldn't have a problem with it, as long as the woman didn't mind going to different parishes than me (at least one time on Sunday!). If she started saying I'm crypt-schismatic or whatnot, well, she's simply in error.




Re: Trad Men and Annulled Women - AntoniusMaximus - 09-01-2014

My take is that dating sites, particularly Catholic ones are not worth the geld or time.  Dating or Courting, in general, is very difficult even among Catholic circles.  My experience with one of the premier Catholic dating sites is (mind you I am a man here), is that very few women on there were serious about looking for a mate, while most of the men are either creepers or generally socially inept (even more so than myself!), which is probably why few women take it seriously.  And it gets harder when you are in that age range from late 20's to mid-30s where you are still young in spirit, but you can't connect with younger people (who are less likely to be serious about relationships) and older people (who are less desirable for mates in general). 

I have been stressing myself lately whether I should try to date again or just remain in the single state.  I think divinesilence got it right with pray not for a spouse but for God to show you the way to the vocation, He has for you.  Don't be stressed by it and be patient.