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Wanna hear a joke? - dcmaccabees - 06-21-2015

I hereby unveil the quasi-official Tank joke thread!

Let's keep it PG-13 though, don't wanna get banished to The Cornfield...

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An Irishman is going through customs in Dublin airport when he's asked to identify a bottle in his luggage.
"That's holy water I've brought back from Lourdes", he says.
The customs officer opens it and sniffs it and says:
"this smells more like whiskey".
"Isn't that fantastic!", says he, "another miracle!"

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An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman were friends and went fishing together in a 22' fishing boat on the Irish Sea. A storm came up, sank the boat and the three were adrift in the cold water. The storm passed and a trawler captained by an Irishman came along.

He told the three in the water that his trawler was already crowded and he would ask each of them a question. Any who could answer could come aboard. He asked his fellow Irishman, "What was the greatest oceangoing tragedy?"

The Irishman in the water thought on it, and answered, "The sinking of the Titanic."

"Right you are!" said the trawler captain, "Come aboard."

Then, the captain asked the Scotsman in the water, "And, how many died with that sinking?"

The Scotsman thought about, and answered, "Twelve hundred."

"Right you are!" said the captain, "Come aboard."

Then, glaring at the Englishman in the water, the Irish captain prompted, "Name them."

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Pope John Paul II was meditating. Then, he asked God, "God, will there ever be married priests in the Holy Roman Catholic Church?"

He waited.

The reply came, "Not in your life time."

So, the Pope meditated some more. Then, he asked God, "God, will there ever be women priests, in the Catholic Church?"

He waited.

The reply came, "Not in your life time."

After meditating some more, the Pope asked God, "God, will there ever be another Polish Pope?"

The reply came right back, "Not in my life time."

Well, that hurt the Pope. After meditating some more, he asked God, "God, will there ever be an American Pope?"

He waited.

And he waited.

And he waited some more.

Finally, God said, "...I'll...reconsider...another Polish pope."


Grin


Re: Wanna hear a joke? - CaptCrunch73 - 06-21-2015

A Roman walks into a bar holds up two fingers and says five beers please...


Re: Wanna hear a joke? - In His Love - 06-22-2015

(06-21-2015, 11:07 PM)CaptCrunch73 Wrote: A Roman walks into a bar holds up two fingers and says five beers please...
That one took me a minute, but it sure is good!  LOL


Re: Wanna hear a joke? - dcmaccabees - 06-22-2015

Three elder clergymen loved to go fishing with each other on Mondays, after they were all done with their respective weekend holy day. There was a Jewish rabbi, a Catholic priest and a Baptist minister. Then the old Baptist preacher died.

Shortly after he was buried, his replacement arrived in town. A young Baptist preacher with a lovely wife and 8 mo. old baby.

Eventually, the rabbi and priest invited him to go fishing with them. They were all in the priest's 18' boat off the bait shop on shore. They ran out of drinks and the rabbi said, "I'll go get some more." and stepped out of the boat and walked over the water to the bait shop. He bought two cans of beer and a can of Coca Cola, walked over the water to the boat, got in and passed around the drinks. The young preacher didn't say anything except thanks for his coke, because he didn't know what to say.

After awhile, they ran out of sandwiches and the priest said, "I'll go get desert.", stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the bait shop, got some pastries walked back across the water to the boat, got in and passed around the pastries for desert. Again, the young preacher was so impressed he couldn't talk except to thank the priest for the pastry.

In another while, they were out of bait, so the young preacher says, "I'll go get some more<" steps out of the boat onto the water and sinks like a stone. The rabbi and priest pull him onto the boat and he gets out again, saying, "I can do this, I know I can", steps onto the water and sinks like a stone. As the rabbi and the priest pull him up again, he can hear one of the old men ask the other, "You think we should tell him where the rocks are?"

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Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father"

Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."

The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."

Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin"

Man replies "Who is that?"

Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You're blocking traffic!"

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Q: how did CA end up with most of the lawyers, and NJ with most of the toxic-waste dumps??

A: NJ had first pick!!!


Re: Wanna hear a joke? - In His Love - 06-22-2015

A Hindu, a rabbi, and a televangelist go to a hotel to stay for the night. When they check in, they are told that there is only room for two people in the hotel; one of them will have to stay in a local barn. The Hindu says, "I'll stay in the barn." A few minutes later, there is a knock at the door. The Hindu says, "I can't stay in the barn. There is a cow in there, and cows are sacred in our religion." The rabbi says, "That's okay. I'll stay in the barn." A few minutes later, there is another knock at the door. The rabbi says, "I can't stay in the barn. There is a pig in there, and it wouldn't be kosher." The televangelist says, "That's okay. I'll stay in the barn." A few minutes later, there is a third knock at the door; it's the cow and the pig.


Re: Wanna hear a joke? - dcmaccabees - 06-23-2015

(06-22-2015, 04:18 PM)Share Love Wrote: A Hindu, a rabbi, and a televangelist go to a hotel to stay for the night. When they check in, they are told that there is only room for two people in the hotel; one of them will have to stay in a local barn. The Hindu says, "I'll stay in the barn." A few minutes later, there is a knock at the door. The Hindu says, "I can't stay in the barn. There is a cow in there, and cows are sacred in our religion." The rabbi says, "That's okay. I'll stay in the barn." A few minutes later, there is another knock at the door. The rabbi says, "I can't stay in the barn. There is a pig in there, and it wouldn't be kosher." The televangelist says, "That's okay. I'll stay in the barn." A few minutes later, there is a third knock at the door; it's the cow and the pig.

Grin


Re: Wanna hear a joke? - dcmaccabees - 06-23-2015

There are 3 fundamental truths about religion:

Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God,
Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ,
and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.

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A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly his eye the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father's sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?"

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There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"


Re: Wanna hear a joke? - richgr - 06-24-2015

A Russian, an American, and an Italian astronaut were sitting in a bar. The Russian astronaut boasted, "I'm going to be the first man in space." The American scoffed, "Well, I'll be the first to land on the moon!" The Italian remained silent, sipping his drink, so the Russian said to him, "So, what are you going to do?" The Italian smirked and pointed upwards, "I'm going to be the first man to land on the sun." The American and Russian burst out laughing and said, "That's impossible! You'll burn up before you even get close!" The Italian just leaned back in his chair with the same easy smile and replied, "Shows what *you* know. I'm going at night."


Re: Wanna hear a joke? - dcmaccabees - 06-24-2015

You better not let my Italian grandma hear you tell that joke, rich Wink

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A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor had knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took out his card and wrote "Revelations 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

{Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and him with me.}
The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10".

{I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.}

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What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?

Well, they were both founded by Spaniards, St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.

What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?

Well, have you met any Albigensians lately?

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A guy was walking down a street in Ireland when a man approached from behind him and stuck a knife to the the guy's throat.
"Be you protestant or catholic", the assailant asked.
The guy thought "If I say I'm catholic and he's protestant, I'm a dead man. If I say I'm protestant and he's catholic, I'm a dead man."
After a little thought, the guy said, "I'm jewish, I'M JEWISH".
"Aha," the assailant said, "I have to be the luckiest Arab in Ireland!"


Re: Wanna hear a joke? - jovan66102 - 06-25-2015

(06-24-2015, 11:41 PM)dcmaccabees Wrote: A guy was walking down a street in Ireland when a man approached from behind him and stuck a knife to the the guy's throat.
"Be you protestant or catholic", the assailant asked.
The guy thought "If I say I'm catholic and he's protestant, I'm a dead man. If I say I'm protestant and he's catholic, I'm a dead man."
After a little thought, the guy said, "I'm jewish, I'M JEWISH".
"Aha," the assailant said, "I have to be the luckiest Arab in Ireland!"

True story-- In the late 60s, in the early days of The Troubles, a US magazine sent a reporter into Ulster to write a story. The fellow walked into a pub and the bar man asked him if he was Catholic or protestant. The fellow answered, truthfully, that he was an agnostic, at which the bar man said, 'All well and good, but are you a Catholic agnostic or a protestant agnostic?'