New EWTN Hit: "Cooking With Raymond"?

Cooking With Raymond: The Leaked Screenplay

By I. M. Persiflage, A-CNN Film Critic

[Image: ray_arroyo.jpg]

Finally, a Catholic Emeril!

(A-CNN) A-CCN has acquired a leaked screenplay of the upcoming made-for-TV movie about EWTN’s latest prime time show. The movie is to be called, “Cooking with Raymond: the Untold Story.” It is based on the book by the show’s former director, Joe Smith. Here is a sneak peek!

Act I

(EWTN Board Room- Executive Director Doug Keck is leading a meeting. Present are Director Joe Smith and Theological Expert Colin Donovan)

Doug: Ok, folks, you know why I called this meeting. I’ll be frank with you. Our ratings are in the tank. Cardinal Dolan’s Comedy Hour started strong, but as soon as he had to resort back to the foam cheese head for laughs, I knew we jumped the shark.  Joe, what are our best-rated shows?

Joe: Well, the top rated show is The World Over with Raymond Arroyo.  The next is Savoring Our Faith, a cooking show with Fr. Leo.

Doug: Hmmm…interesting… I have an idea. Get this. What if we combined the premise of a cooking show with… Raymond Arroyo! Genius! The best of both worlds for ratings. We’ll put it in one of our prime time slots. Who do we have at 8pm on Wednesdays?

Joe: Fr. Mitch hosting EWTN live.

Doug: Sub it in for his Wednesday show. Tell him he’s cancelled.

(Doug turns to Colin Donovan, resident EWTN theologian)

Colin, are there any moral or theological problems with a cooking show?

Colin: Uhhh, not that I see off hand. Cooking is a morally neutral act that…

Doug: Great!

(Just then Fr. Joseph opens the door and walks in with a big plastic garbage can on wheels.)

Doug:  Fr. Joseph? I thought I told you we’re having a board meeting! Only laypersons are allowed in here.

Fr. Joseph: Oh, I’m sorry. I was just helping empty trashcans. Remember, I asked you how the brothers could help the network? You said by taking over the janitorial duties.

Doug: Ahh, yes, Father! How could I forget? Please by all means come in.

(Fr. Joseph slowly wheels his container over to the trashcan. Doug Keck impatiently looks at his watch and taps his foot. Fr. empties trashcan in his container and starts to wheel out the door.)

Doug: Father, wait!

Fr. Joseph: Yes, Doug?

Doug:  I just finished my coke. Here’s the can.

Fr. Joseph: Gee. Thanks, Doug.

(Fr. Joseph wheels out the door)

Doug: Ok, Joe. Get Raymond on the phone!

(Joe dials Raymond on conference call)

Female voice: Raymond Arroyo’s office. How can I help you?

Doug: Yes, this is Doug Keck. I’m calling for Raymond. Who’s this?

Female voice: I’m Raymond’s personal assistant. I screen all of his calls.

Doug: What!? (leans over to Joe) When did Arroyo get a personal assistant? We’re hurting for money here. Who authorized this?

Joe: I believe you did, sir.

Doug: (to Joe) Quiet! (to phone) What’s your name, young lady?

Female voice: Mary Ann

Doug: Mary Ann, you tell Raymond he’s going to star in a cooking show next Wednesday night at 8pm. Oh, and tell him to book one of those celebrities he knows to cook with him! Tell him to be ready.

Mary Ann: Will do, sir.

Doug: Brilliant idea! I’m mining gold here folks. I hope you’re all taking notes.

Click here for Acts II & III:

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New EWTN Hit: "Cooking With Raymond"? - by hbaldauf - 12-09-2012, 12:12 PM

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