is this where i belong?
#1
i grew up catholic, but this was already post Vatican II, and i've always longed for the Church of my father. i craved the sacred, and something in me (the Holy Spirit perhaps) has always pushed me to seek more traditional parishes and traditional priests.
in my late teens and early twenties, i went looking for the sacred specifically.
i did find a parish who's priest was very traditional and holy, though he did celebrate the new mass.

eventually he became my spiritual director, and i learned much from him.i began to discern a vocation to the religious life, and when i told fr. fox about this, he warned me to be careful, as many sisters had lost their way. at first i found this strange, until i started looking into particular orders.
i finally decided that i wanted to be a Poor Clare Colletine Nun. i was blessed to have been accepted to a pre-candidacy retreat. i spent three months with the nuns, and i felt i had truly found home.
but, because i had ongoing health problems, mother abess said i would not
be able to enter, as the community could not afford my medical care.
i was crushed. she did tell me that she did not doubt my vocation, but that i would still not be able to enter.
i went to a few other convents, several Poor Clare communities and a Passionist community, but received the same answer.
my mother told me there were orders that would admit me, but these
were more secularized orders, and i knew my call lay in absolute contemplation of the Divine Love of our Crucified Lord, whom i adore above all things! and that i was being called to offer a life of prayer and penance for all the lost souls in today's world.
i did not want to end up in some liberal, feminist order, who may do good in the world, but who defy the traditions of the Church for their own needs or desires.
anyway, i never did become a nun, though i still feel a strong call to it. over the years it has lessened and then come back suprisingly storng.
and then it dawned on me. even if i could not become a nun, i could still live a life of prayer and penance, offered to our Lord for the souls of all those bound by sin.
i'm now 37 and married and still seeking sacred tradition in my life.
i try to be a good wife, and to work as the nuns did, praying ceaslessly.
and now i have one soul i am particulary drawn to fighting for, my husband's. i have offered God all that i am to save my husband's soul and bring him back to the true Church!
dear St. Rita gets lots of prayers from me :)
but to come back around to the beginning.....i don't know where i belong anymore

i strive to remain in the world, but not of it. i still long for the protection and guidance of the cloister, though i know that is impossible now. so i have built my own clositer in my heart.

we've recently moved, and thankfully our parish church has a Perpetual Adoration Chapel, where i find much peace and consolation by "watching with Him for just one hour" and offering up my sacrifices, small as they are, to console His heart,but the mass itself leaves me wanting.
i'm just reading about traditionalist movements in the Church, and have found the fisheaters web site to be a wonderful wealth of knowledge.

i need to learn more about the SSPX and sedevacanist movements, but i have to admit that i am frightened of schism. my prayer is that the Church will return to its traditional roots without some kind of uprising,
but i don't know if that can ever happen.
i long for absolute humility in front of God on the altar, but i feel i'm not even ALLOWED to receive Jesus in the way He wants me to receive him, particularly on the knees at the altar rail.
i never even grew up with that tradition, but God has placed the desire in my heart like a burning flame.
so as i began, so shall i end......do i belong here?
Reply
#2
Sounds like you belong here to me. I am 40 and I long for the TLM. I too am praying for my spouse to return to the Church. I spend a lot of time on this site reading, I don't post very much. I have noticed that if someone is getting off track the people here will let them know.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, pray about it. I'm sure the right answer will come.

By the way Welcome !!!!
Reply
#3
Thank you Bob :)

i too enjoy the discussions here, but rarely comment. i had started a livejournal account to record my own journey of faith and found a few "catholic communities" online, but every time i posted anything espousing traditionalism, they were like savage beasts, even so-called theology students. so i was looking for a place to find those who long for the TLM and other traditional practices.....looks like i've found it :)
Reply
#4
Welcome.
Reply
#5
Welcome - you belong here if you want to belong.  It's as simple as that.  :)

You should find yourself another good spiritual director if you don't currently have one.  He would be able to help you work out how to fit all these aspects of your life together.  There has to be some balance because married people can't fast, etc., as much as single people since they are joined to another.  A good Spiritual Director / Confessor can help you stay grounded and balanced.




Reply
#6
Thank you for the warm welcomes, and for the advice on spiritual direction. i am currently seeking one. i have recently moved and had just discussed it with my new priest....so we shall see :)
Reply
#7
The SSPX are not schmisitic. Go to sspx.org asap and find the closest Mass site.

God Bless,
Bruno
Reply
#8
anyway, i never did become a nun, though i still feel a strong call to it.

As I read your story, I could strongly relate to certain elements of it. Last year I started discerning a vocation to the religious life, completed a survey, and started receiving information from various communities. At that point, I found the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist, the Cistercians, and the Poor Clares of Perpetual Adoration most interesting. Reflecting back on that period of discernment, I'm glad I didn't join a religious order, because I would never have discovered the Society of Saint Pius X and the Traditional Mass. From reading your story, it is clear you thoroughly investigated whether God was calling you to become a religious sister, and you got your answer. Therefore, I wouldn't have second thoughts about it; God placed you in the married state, and that's your vocation. At the same time, I'd encourage you to find a parish where the Traditional Mass is offered, and maybe help out around there, since you have a strong attachment to the Church. Anyway, welcome to the forum!
Reply
#9
Awesome story. And ditto what Bruno said.
Welcome!
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)