09-03-2007, 11:26 AM
i grew up catholic, but this was already post Vatican II, and i've always longed for the Church of my father. i craved the sacred, and something in me (the Holy Spirit perhaps) has always pushed me to seek more traditional parishes and traditional priests.
in my late teens and early twenties, i went looking for the sacred specifically.
i did find a parish who's priest was very traditional and holy, though he did celebrate the new mass.
eventually he became my spiritual director, and i learned much from him.i began to discern a vocation to the religious life, and when i told fr. fox about this, he warned me to be careful, as many sisters had lost their way. at first i found this strange, until i started looking into particular orders.
i finally decided that i wanted to be a Poor Clare Colletine Nun. i was blessed to have been accepted to a pre-candidacy retreat. i spent three months with the nuns, and i felt i had truly found home.
but, because i had ongoing health problems, mother abess said i would not
be able to enter, as the community could not afford my medical care.
i was crushed. she did tell me that she did not doubt my vocation, but that i would still not be able to enter.
i went to a few other convents, several Poor Clare communities and a Passionist community, but received the same answer.
my mother told me there were orders that would admit me, but these
were more secularized orders, and i knew my call lay in absolute contemplation of the Divine Love of our Crucified Lord, whom i adore above all things! and that i was being called to offer a life of prayer and penance for all the lost souls in today's world.
i did not want to end up in some liberal, feminist order, who may do good in the world, but who defy the traditions of the Church for their own needs or desires.
anyway, i never did become a nun, though i still feel a strong call to it. over the years it has lessened and then come back suprisingly storng.
and then it dawned on me. even if i could not become a nun, i could still live a life of prayer and penance, offered to our Lord for the souls of all those bound by sin.
i'm now 37 and married and still seeking sacred tradition in my life.
i try to be a good wife, and to work as the nuns did, praying ceaslessly.
and now i have one soul i am particulary drawn to fighting for, my husband's. i have offered God all that i am to save my husband's soul and bring him back to the true Church!
dear St. Rita gets lots of prayers from me :)
but to come back around to the beginning.....i don't know where i belong anymore
i strive to remain in the world, but not of it. i still long for the protection and guidance of the cloister, though i know that is impossible now. so i have built my own clositer in my heart.
we've recently moved, and thankfully our parish church has a Perpetual Adoration Chapel, where i find much peace and consolation by "watching with Him for just one hour" and offering up my sacrifices, small as they are, to console His heart,but the mass itself leaves me wanting.
i'm just reading about traditionalist movements in the Church, and have found the fisheaters web site to be a wonderful wealth of knowledge.
i need to learn more about the SSPX and sedevacanist movements, but i have to admit that i am frightened of schism. my prayer is that the Church will return to its traditional roots without some kind of uprising,
but i don't know if that can ever happen.
i long for absolute humility in front of God on the altar, but i feel i'm not even ALLOWED to receive Jesus in the way He wants me to receive him, particularly on the knees at the altar rail.
i never even grew up with that tradition, but God has placed the desire in my heart like a burning flame.
so as i began, so shall i end......do i belong here?
in my late teens and early twenties, i went looking for the sacred specifically.
i did find a parish who's priest was very traditional and holy, though he did celebrate the new mass.
eventually he became my spiritual director, and i learned much from him.i began to discern a vocation to the religious life, and when i told fr. fox about this, he warned me to be careful, as many sisters had lost their way. at first i found this strange, until i started looking into particular orders.
i finally decided that i wanted to be a Poor Clare Colletine Nun. i was blessed to have been accepted to a pre-candidacy retreat. i spent three months with the nuns, and i felt i had truly found home.
but, because i had ongoing health problems, mother abess said i would not
be able to enter, as the community could not afford my medical care.
i was crushed. she did tell me that she did not doubt my vocation, but that i would still not be able to enter.
i went to a few other convents, several Poor Clare communities and a Passionist community, but received the same answer.
my mother told me there were orders that would admit me, but these
were more secularized orders, and i knew my call lay in absolute contemplation of the Divine Love of our Crucified Lord, whom i adore above all things! and that i was being called to offer a life of prayer and penance for all the lost souls in today's world.
i did not want to end up in some liberal, feminist order, who may do good in the world, but who defy the traditions of the Church for their own needs or desires.
anyway, i never did become a nun, though i still feel a strong call to it. over the years it has lessened and then come back suprisingly storng.
and then it dawned on me. even if i could not become a nun, i could still live a life of prayer and penance, offered to our Lord for the souls of all those bound by sin.
i'm now 37 and married and still seeking sacred tradition in my life.
i try to be a good wife, and to work as the nuns did, praying ceaslessly.
and now i have one soul i am particulary drawn to fighting for, my husband's. i have offered God all that i am to save my husband's soul and bring him back to the true Church!
dear St. Rita gets lots of prayers from me :)
but to come back around to the beginning.....i don't know where i belong anymore
i strive to remain in the world, but not of it. i still long for the protection and guidance of the cloister, though i know that is impossible now. so i have built my own clositer in my heart.
we've recently moved, and thankfully our parish church has a Perpetual Adoration Chapel, where i find much peace and consolation by "watching with Him for just one hour" and offering up my sacrifices, small as they are, to console His heart,but the mass itself leaves me wanting.
i'm just reading about traditionalist movements in the Church, and have found the fisheaters web site to be a wonderful wealth of knowledge.
i need to learn more about the SSPX and sedevacanist movements, but i have to admit that i am frightened of schism. my prayer is that the Church will return to its traditional roots without some kind of uprising,
but i don't know if that can ever happen.
i long for absolute humility in front of God on the altar, but i feel i'm not even ALLOWED to receive Jesus in the way He wants me to receive him, particularly on the knees at the altar rail.
i never even grew up with that tradition, but God has placed the desire in my heart like a burning flame.
so as i began, so shall i end......do i belong here?
![[-]](https://www.fisheaters.com/forums/images/fisheaters/collapse.png)
