Prospective Questions on Conflict in Marriage.
#21
Satori Wrote:I may get in trouble for saying this, but I think the idea that you should go on dates with your husband is stupid. There's pressure to maintain a period of your relationship that served a specific purpose and died a natural death -- to keep on thinking of each other the way you did when you were just getting acquainted. I think married people, especially women, make themselves very unhappy by trying to revive a particular kind of romance instead of seeking something deeper and lasting.

Which is not to say that the husband should never tell his wife she looks as beautiful as the day he met her.

I agree with some of what you are saying. I think a lot of marriages fail because the couple thinks the honeymoon phase is supposed to last forever. When it eventually turns into reality, they think something must be desperately wrong with their relationship or they made a terrible mistake. There was a study that showed that couples who were extremely lovey-dovey (scientific terms) and described themselves as passionately in love were more likely to divorce later because the inevitable crash and burn into everyday married-life was much more dramatic.

I don't think it is unreasonable to want to stay in love with your spouse. Of course its not going to be the kind of love where your heart skips a beat when they enter the room. I keep an essay (written by some rabbi tucked away that I bust out when I'm not feeling particularly loving towards my husband) that says that being in love is a choice and that your heart wants what your brain tells it to want. I heard this same sentiment in the movie "Paris, Je t'Aime" where one of the characters says "By acting like a man in love, I became a man in love." I think there is a lot of truth to that.

And as for date night, I'm all for it...but, date night for my husband and I means getting the kids in bed before 9, renting a movie from the grocery store, and sharing a dessert (often 2 apple pies bought in secret from McDonalds. Fancy.) Its much easier to relax at home with the kids asleep than it is to be out and about and worrying about babysitters. Although that's fun too on occasion. Its nice to act like 2 adults every once in a while instead of Cranky and Crabby's Day Care Service.

Reply
#22
I guess I should wait until I don't have a baby's head stuck up my shirt constantly before I say anything else about marital dates.
Reply
#23
Haha, by dates I definitely had in mind Paloma's version. I essentially envisioned just a time to be together without the kids and chat a bit and relax. I hear that can be good sometimes. As another example, my God-son's parents are doing tango classes once a week for two hours, half a block away, while a friend and I babysit. They are from Argentina and it gives them some time alone.
But what the heck, I am not married, so I am not committed to a vision of marital dates either way.
QuidUtDeus, thanks; that's what I was wanting to hear, I think. I guess a real knowledge comes from experience, though. I think that has generally been my attitude, at least in theory, but reading St. Gianna, for example, made me think that maybe I was just being pessimistic about the potential for relationships. I think now that peoples' dispositions are just different; hey, maybe she did really struggle to remain so thoughtful and faithful to her husband, and even if not, it doesn't mean that it will come easily to the rest of us, right?
Please pray for me, marriage seems like very, very hard work!

SH
Reply
#24
I think that if you expect to be put off by someone's bad habits even during the engagement period, it will only get worse during marriage.  Best not to settle down with someone who's bad habits worry you.

A little bad habit here and there is fine, so long as it doesn't grate on your nerves day in and day out.  Find a compatible person who's bad habits are compatible with your bad habits.  At least, someone, who's bad habits you can understand.  Don't ever expect someone to change, though everyone changes a little bit over the years naturally.  You never know, the few things you liked may go away, the things you couldn't stand may increase.  Make sure you can get along with both the good and the bad in your betrothed.

Reply
#25
miss_fluffy Wrote:I think that if you expect to be put off by someone's bad habits even during the engagement period, it will only get worse during marriage.  Best not to settle down with someone who's bad habits worry you.

A little bad habit here and there is fine, so long as it doesn't grate on your nerves day in and day out.  Find a compatible person who's bad habits are compatible with your bad habits.  At least, someone, who's bad habits you can understand.  Don't ever expect someone to change, though everyone changes a little bit over the years naturally.  You never know, the few things you liked may go away, the things you couldn't stand may increase.  Make sure you can get along with both the good and the bad in your betrothed.
 Does he or she: 1) Put the cap back on the toothpaste tube? 2) Roll the toilet over the front or over the back? And, most important of all! 3) Like crunchy or smooth peanut butter?
Reply
#26
ErinIsNotNice Wrote:Just remember that he is the boss, and his wants and needs come before everything else in your life.  Never criticize, always wear make up and look pretty, and never argue.


You ARE joking, I hope?
Reply
#27
diotima Wrote:
ErinIsNotNice Wrote:Just remember that he is the boss, and his wants and needs come before everything else in your life.  Never criticize, always wear make up and look pretty, and never argue.


You ARE joking, I hope?

:laughing:
Reply
#28
Paloma Wrote:
diotima Wrote:
ErinIsNotNice Wrote:Just remember that he is the boss, and his wants and needs come before everything else in your life.  Never criticize, always wear make up and look pretty, and never argue.


You ARE joking, I hope?

:laughing:

I would never, ever joke about something like this.  Never.
Reply
#29
Satori Wrote:I may get in trouble for saying this, but I think the idea that you should go on dates with your husband is stupid. There's pressure to maintain a period of your relationship that served a specific purpose and died a natural death -- to keep on thinking of each other the way you did when you were just getting acquainted. I think married people, especially women, make themselves very unhappy by trying to revive a particular kind of romance instead of seeking something deeper and lasting.

Which is not to say that the husband should never tell his wife she looks as beautiful as the day he met her.

I think that going on a 'date' with your spouse is not about trying to maintain a specific period of your relationship but rather trying to maintain a connection with your spouse that is only between you and your spouse.

Yes, children are important.  Yes, we need to care about our children.  But the truth is that our children grow up and leave the family home to create their own family home.  If we don't nurture a relationship separate from our children and strive to maintain a sense of connection to one another as simply husband and wife then when the children leave we are left with nothing.

For us "date night" is not about thinking of each other as we were "then" but as a way to connect who we are now.  A chance to have a conversation without being overheard by young ears, interrupted by a constant stream of "Mom!" or "Dad!"  A chance to be alone.  A chance to step away from looking at the dishes that need to be done, the laundry that needs to be folded, the floor that needs to be swept, the lawn that needs to be mowed.  It is a chance to spend a little bit of time focusing on us, maintaining our relationship.

I am convinced more now than 14 years ago, when we married, that the best thing parents can give their children is a strong marriage.  One way to do that is to focus exclusively on one another on occasion.

Most of the time our "date night" is leaving the kid home alone (she's nearly 13 and my parents live two doors away) for an hour while we go to Sonic and get a cherry limeade or a diet coke with cherry syrup.  We sit in the car and just talk about the things that we never get a chance to talk about with my parents dropping by, the kid telling us all about every single conversation she had with her friends during the day, the cats, the dog, the phone ...

But then I suppose it may be because we never had the typical dating/romantic relationship before we were married that I find my husband still caring enough to want to spend time alone with me to be romantic.

It doesn't need to be candlelight and wine.  It doesn't even need to be out of the house.  But couples definitely need to spend some time alone together.  Talking, joking and basically just stepping, for a moment, out of the demanding daily grind and just being together.
Reply
#30
Southern Catholic, your post reminded me of my parents.  Every morning they'd get up extra early so they could have breakfast alone together.  It was nice to wake up every day and hear them in the kitchen talking and eating and just enjoying one another. 
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)