Cafeteria Catholic Parents of Trad Adults
#11
I've thought about what I'm going to do too once I sign my life away get married. My parents aren't even close to being Catholic, always harping off on how good abortion is and other anti-Catholic  notions, but put up with my Catholicism as a sort of "phase of my life" (Oh, how wrong they are).

What the deuce do I do?

I don't want them infecting my future kids with their BS theories on life...so do I just shut 'em out??
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#12
(06-13-2011, 06:39 PM)LausTibiChriste Wrote: I've thought about what I'm going to do too once I sign my life away get married. My parents aren't even close to being Catholic, always harping off on how good abortion is and other anti-Catholic  notions, but put up with my Catholicism as a sort of "phase of my life" (Oh, how wrong they are).

What the deuce do I do?

I don't want them infecting my future kids with their BS theories on life...so do I just shut 'em out??

*hugs*

I'm sorry.  It's hard.  I wouldn't totally rule out a relationship, but I do think you have the right to set ground rules with your kids when your parents are around -- and your parents need to respect them.  So if you tell them that no, sorry, they cannot spout off on the wonders of abortion in front of your children, and they ignore that, you can either leave or ask them to leave. 

On the other hand, the joys of grand-parenthood soften some people.  How can you hate life when you hold a tiny baby?  I'm not saying that you can count on that -- it doesn't always work out that way -- but you can pray for the Lord to work a miracle, for your parents' hearts to be changed and made more open to God and for them to experence the joy in the many beautiful aspects of creation.  Smile  Pray
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#13
(06-13-2011, 06:39 PM)LausTibiChriste Wrote: I've thought about what I'm going to do too once I sign my life away get married. My parents aren't even close to being Catholic, always harping off on how good abortion is and other anti-Catholic  notions, but put up with my Catholicism as a sort of "phase of my life" (Oh, how wrong they are).

What the deuce do I do?

I don't want them infecting my future kids with their BS theories on life...so do I just shut 'em out??

Yep. I've done that with certain friends and family, and I'm at peace with my decision. I won't answer to any of them in the end.

St. Luke 12:51-53
"Think ye, that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, no; but separation. For there shall be from henceforth five in one house divided: three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against his father, the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother, the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law."

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#14
(06-16-2011, 01:05 AM)Semper Idem Wrote: St. Luke 12:51-53
"Think ye, that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, no; but separation. For there shall be from henceforth five in one house divided: three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against his father, the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother, the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law."

To add on to that:

Quote:Bear not the yoke with unbelievers. For what participation hath justice with injustice? Or what fellowship hath light with darkness?  And what concord hath Christ with Belial? Or what part hath the faithful with the unbeliever?  2 Corinthians 6:14-15

A friend is long sought, hardly found, and with difficulty kept. - St. Jerome
The friendship that can cease has never been real. - St. Jerome

This is a hard situation for anyone to deal with. Never let a bad influence have any impact on you.
With parents it's a lot more difficult since you really cant just let them go, just try and to hang in there and hope they change. Be the best Christian you can be and try to set the example for them.
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#15
(06-13-2011, 05:39 AM)OCLittleFlower Wrote: Do any of you who are traditional but with NO parents have issues with your parents' failure to accept the way you live your life?  I don't just mean what Mass you go to -- I mean lifestyle stuff.  Like number of children.  Desire for a large family.  Being family centered.  That kind of thing.

We have that issue with my in laws at the moment.

So, my DH and I met with his parents and sister today, letting them know about my infertility issues and our adoption plans.  We went in suspecting that they would mention in vitro and such, since they support it and helped a family member through it, including financially.  In the end, they all liked the idea.  However, they had some odd objections.

The main thing came from my mother-in-law, who was harping on our ages -- not maturity or anything like that, just wanted us to live a little, "take things one thing at a time," and be at least 30, ideally 35.  She said that we shouldn't even think about this until we have purchased a home.  Now, we don't want to apply or anything until then, but she objected to the fact that our desire and plans for a family are the deciding factor in WHICH home we choose.  To us, lifestyle should decide the home -- a couple like us who want children and large dogs should not purchase a high-rise condo in the city, for example.  Factors that relate to how we want to live our lives in the future matter -- otherwise it's a foolish purchase.  That's how my parents bought their first home (during engagement, from the developer) -- they wanted rooms for future children and a yard for Mom's dog.

I asked what we're supposed to do, i.e. what she thinks we should be doing with our lives.  She said that my husband should get promoted before we start a family.  I pointed out that he just did.  She then said that I should go back to school first and finish college.  I left for a reason with no intention to return, but every once in a while she brings it up -- however, it isn't "are you going to go back to school?" so much as "when are you going back to school?" or "what about going back to school?"  The reasons I left school are many, but the main thing came down to the fact that I wasn't happy in school and our goal was for me to stay at home anyway.  There were also factors early in our marriage that made me not free enough with my time to attend class.

I guess it's shocking to me to hear this from a woman who married at 20 and had her first baby at 21.  She doesn't know anything about being a first time mom after 35, all she knows is that it's easier financially.  And then there's the unspoken implication that she thinks people should contracept until they're 30 or older. 

My in-laws as well as some of my husband's aunts and uncles often say they had children too young -- they say this in front of the kids.  All of them were in their 20s and married.  I've been told that we are lucky we don't have children yet.  As a traditionalist, I don't count that as luck.  Sure, I'm okay with how things are -- with our path and with the opportunity to help orphans in this way (and I do believe it's for a reason).  I just don't believe that children are this horrid life ending curse.  And I sure as heck think that remarks like that should never be said around young people -- especially your own children, about their own birth.  Not that they should be said at all, of course.

How do you all deal with these issues -- with the family members who don't get it?  With the people who say things like that in front of children?  My heart breaks every time.  The separation of the primary aim of marriage from the sacrament itself in the minds of so many cafeteria Catholics confuses me.  What do you all say when they question your choices?

Your m-i-l is meddling big time. Obviously she's doing the meddling because she loves you both and wants to see the both of you be "successful", in the worldly sense. But her idea of success is very different from yours and your husbands idea of success. Your idea of course, equates being successful with living an authentically Catholic life. I would explain that to her the next time she starts in. 

In answer to your question, my m-i-l is too smart a woman to do that. She's a liberal Catholic, but has more sense then to run off at the mouth like a bull in running through a china shop. I have some aunts who have given me worldly advice, but fortunately, not too often as they live far away. I just sort of disregarded their contraception advice and said something like, "But I love having babies."

When my mom starts in with liberal advice, I give it back (respectfully) and tell it like it is, because she's my mom and I can do this--it's a closer relationship. By that I mean I remind her of what the Catholic teaching is. I think your m-i-l needs a little dose of "closeness" (i.e.--frankness), from you at this point. She's earned it. She actually wants you to wait until you're 30-35 years of age? Ask her if she wants to know her grandchildren? My first baby came along at thirty, and my father and f-i-l never lived long enough to meet all their grandchildren. They only knew half of them--as babies. Your m-i-l might want to think about that... She's not going to live forever, and grandchildren are a great joy. Does she really want to miss out on that?!?!?

The irony is that I'm finding that as I get older, I'm the one giving family members the unwelcome advice, such as, "I think you need to get to Confession... How long has it been since you've gone?" This must be a sure sign that I'm getting older and beginning to fill the role of the bossy matriarch LOL
"Not only are we all in the same boat, but we are all seasick.” --G.K. Chesterton
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#16
Thanks, Jaca.

I'm a little reluctant to pull the "don't you want to know your grandchildren?" card, since her parents both died when her first child (my husband) was an infant.  I don't want to drag up a whole mess of stuff and have her resent me for that -- and from what I understand, she's never emotionally recovered from her parents' sudden deaths.  I guess I do cut her slack because of that, but at the same time there's nothing that grants people a free pass to treat other people poorly forever.

I also don't know if I can pull the Church teaching card, unless it is simply to say that children and family are the primary aim of marriage.  It isn't like she's telling us to contracept -- she's telling us not to plan and apply for adoption, and trying to push me back into college. 

She also wants to tack on all these extra goals that either a) don't matter or b) don't have anything to do with having kids or not.  For example, she wants my husband to focus on building his career -- yeah, well, guess what?  He's doing that.  The man works hard.  Just got promoted at his most recent review.  With me not working, he will still be able to work hard and rise up the ladder, even after we have kids.  And, with no career plans -- there's no point in my going back to college.
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#17

There are two rules for success in life -- and not surprisingly, for getting along with parents and in-laws.

Rule #1.  Don't tell everything you know.
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#18
(06-16-2011, 06:54 AM)OCLittleFlower Wrote: Thanks, Jaca.

I'm a little reluctant to pull the "don't you want to know your grandchildren?" card, since her parents both died when her first child (my husband) was an infant.  I don't want to drag up a whole mess of stuff and have her resent me for that -- and from what I understand, she's never emotionally recovered from her parents' sudden deaths.  I guess I do cut her slack because of that, but at the same time there's nothing that grants people a free pass to treat other people poorly forever.

I also don't know if I can pull the Church teaching card, unless it is simply to say that children and family are the primary aim of marriage.  It isn't like she's telling us to contracept -- she's telling us not to plan and apply for adoption, and trying to push me back into college. 

She also wants to tack on all these extra goals that either a) don't matter or b) don't have anything to do with having kids or not.  For example, she wants my husband to focus on building his career -- yeah, well, guess what?  He's doing that.  The man works hard.  Just got promoted at his most recent review.   With me not working, he will still be able to work hard and rise up the ladder, even after we have kids.  And, with no career plans -- there's no point in my going back to college.
Yeah, I hear you. All that makes sense.
"Not only are we all in the same boat, but we are all seasick.” --G.K. Chesterton
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