My dilemma
#1
I have a son who is 26 and still single.  He has been in a couple of serious relationships (both over 2 years) but nothing has lasted.  It has been over a year since he broke up with the last one.  I think he is starting to get concerned about being single because he is asking my advice.  And I have a dilemma about what to tell him.

Of course, I want him to marry a Catholic women who cares strongly about the Faith.  However, he does not care about it that much.  He only attends Mass (NO) sporadically and does not seem really committed to obeying Church teaching.  I am reasonably sure that a strong Catholic girlfriend would influence him in the right direction, but I am concerned it would not be fair to her.  He is a nice guy and really good looking, but a woman needs a man who can be a spiritual leader.  He just isn't at that point now.

So part of me wants to encourage him to get involved in activities where he can meet women with strong Catholic faith and part of me has serious misgivings about doing this.  What do you all think?
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#2
(09-03-2012, 02:05 PM)JayneK Wrote: I have a son who is 26 and still single.  He has been in a couple of serious relationships (both over 2 years) but nothing has lasted.  It has been over a year since he broke up with the last one.  I think he is starting to get concerned about being single because he is asking my advice.  And I have a dilemma about what to tell him.
Instead of advice, he needs to know himself.

I would ask him what he wants, and figure out why he wants it.

I would wager he does not really know. His life is without direction (most likely) and he hasn't considered any big questions yet (at least, not the point of resolution).

Digging deep into a person's ignorance with the question "why?" usually is annoying though.

Quote:So part of me wants to encourage him to get involved in activities where he can meet women with strong Catholic faith and part of me has serious misgivings about doing this.  What do you all think?

I would tell him he is 26 years old and to be a man. He cannot hope to be a husband until he is secure in himself spiritually.  I would ask him what is with attending Mass sporadically. Either he believes or he doesn't. Go, or not go, don't half-rear end it.

Then, after he knows who he is, and what he wants, and why, then he can take a course of action consistent with his chosen life.

You may notice I am single and have chosen to remain single, and my advice should be taken as such. That is how I would be to him, as a man around my age. As a parent, I would be most confused how I acquired responsibility for a child older than me.
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#3
(09-03-2012, 02:42 PM)Rosarium Wrote: You may notice I am single and have chosen to remain single, and my advice should be taken as such. That is how I would be to him, as a man around my age. As a parent, I would be most confused how I acquired responsibility for a child older than me.
:grin:  Well I don't have to worry about that concern.  Thanks for you advice.
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#4
(09-03-2012, 02:42 PM)Rosarium Wrote:
(09-03-2012, 02:05 PM)JayneK Wrote: I have a son who is 26 and still single.  He has been in a couple of serious relationships (both over 2 years) but nothing has lasted.  It has been over a year since he broke up with the last one.  I think he is starting to get concerned about being single because he is asking my advice.  And I have a dilemma about what to tell him.
Instead of advice, he needs to know himself.

I would ask him what he wants, and figure out why he wants it.

I would wager he does not really know. His life is without direction (most likely) and he hasn't considered any big questions yet (at least, not the point of resolution).

Digging deep into a person's ignorance with the question "why?" usually is annoying though.

Quote:So part of me wants to encourage him to get involved in activities where he can meet women with strong Catholic faith and part of me has serious misgivings about doing this.  What do you all think?

I would tell him he is 26 years old and to be a man. He cannot hope to be a husband until he is secure in himself spiritually.  I would ask him what is with attending Mass sporadically. Either he believes or he doesn't. Go, or not go, don't half-rear end it.

Then, after he knows who he is, and what he wants, and why, then he can take a course of action consistent with his chosen life.

You may notice I am single and have chosen to remain single, and my advice should be taken as such. That is how I would be to him, as a man around my age. As a parent, I would be most confused how I acquired responsibility for a child older than me.

I think this advice is spot on. 

Went through something similar with my oldest son.  At 36, he is still ambivalent about attending Mass.  But he has been happily married to an un-baptized lady for 2 years.

He does, however, go to the traditional Mass when he goes, and goes to confession each time he actually attends.

They also were married in the Catholic Church at his desire--of course a waiver of impediment had to be obtained first.

I wish I had been stronger in insisting that he figure out what he really wanted in life and get off the fence.

But now, I think he really does know what he wants--he just doesn't want me to know what that is!! ???
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#5
First of all, it is highly unlikely he is as good looking as you presume him to be.  Mothers always think their children are attractive, even if they are as ugly as a barrel full of monkeys.  Therefore, he may simply not be capable of attracting an appropriate lady and those he has attracted to this point may have been looking for any number of things besides romance (money, food, a male girlfriend, companionship, etc.) 

Secondly, perhaps he has a vocation to the priesthood and is completely ignoring it.  As such, by attempting to entangle him in a romantic relationship you may very well be thwarting God's plan.

I'd pray God's will be done and move on with your life.  That's my advice.
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#6
(09-03-2012, 02:05 PM)JayneK Wrote: So part of me wants to encourage him to get involved in activities where he can meet women with strong Catholic faith and part of me has serious misgivings about doing this.  What do you all think?

I don't think you need to worry about getting him involved in activities and thinking your saddling a Catholic lady with him.  A  lady who knows what she is looking for will no doubt be quite able to handle herself.  As for your son, being around people his age who know what they want will perhaps serve as a wake up call.
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#7
(09-03-2012, 11:54 PM)DrBombay Wrote: First of all, it is highly unlikely he is as good looking as you presume him to be.  Mothers always think their children are attractive, even if they are as ugly as a barrel full of monkeys.
While he may not be as good looking as me, the fact he has had some dating success in the past indicates he has at least a normal spread of characteristics.

My mother takes issue with my beard and thinks I would look much better if I cut it. Looking good is not my goal thought.
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#8
(09-04-2012, 02:09 PM)Rosarium Wrote:
(09-03-2012, 11:54 PM)DrBombay Wrote: First of all, it is highly unlikely he is as good looking as you presume him to be.  Mothers always think their children are attractive, even if they are as ugly as a barrel full of monkeys.
While he may not be as good looking as me, the fact he has had some dating success in the past indicates he has at least a normal spread of characteristics.

My mother takes issue with my beard and thinks I would look much better if I cut it. Looking good is not my goal thought.

Yes, I know.  I've seen pictures of you.
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#9
(09-04-2012, 09:17 PM)DrBombay Wrote:
(09-04-2012, 02:09 PM)Rosarium Wrote:
(09-03-2012, 11:54 PM)DrBombay Wrote: First of all, it is highly unlikely he is as good looking as you presume him to be.  Mothers always think their children are attractive, even if they are as ugly as a barrel full of monkeys.
While he may not be as good looking as me,

Yes, I know.  I've seen pictures of you.

Please. Remember I am trying to be humble.

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#10
(09-04-2012, 09:22 PM)Rosarium Wrote:
(09-04-2012, 09:17 PM)DrBombay Wrote:
(09-04-2012, 02:09 PM)Rosarium Wrote:
(09-03-2012, 11:54 PM)DrBombay Wrote: First of all, it is highly unlikely he is as good looking as you presume him to be.  Mothers always think their children are attractive, even if they are as ugly as a barrel full of monkeys.
While he may not be as good looking as me,

Yes, I know.  I've seen pictures of you.

Please. Remember I am trying to be humble.

That is a nefarious edit.  But well played.  :sneaky:
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