Poem Help!
#1
Hey fishies...sit benedictus nomen eijus in saecula!

I am not so sure that this is the right forum for this, but I suppose it is cultural and subtly Catholic, so I will give it a go.
I wonder if any one interested in poetry (or history for that matter) might like to read this and give me some honest feedback!
Many thanks

The land is basking in the aftermath of all thats past,
and yet its scorched kings leave their shadows still upon the path,
i watched the sun go down on dreams of a utopian evermore,
which in the smoke arose, from hidden suburbs, dark-robed doors,
i watched them fall like rocks roll down the barren mountain breeze:
death to insanity, and all her suitors' make-believe.

They filled the valley with delight and hollow alibis,
and hid remorse beneath the river and the flashing lights.
I saw their Tiamat dressed up, adored, and lionized,
but nothing soothed the pain that ruled behind her made-up eyes.
I saw mendacity cry out to me, I turned away,
as all the kings of plastic paradise fell on their blades.

I saw a thousand empires smashed, as sea-shells made of glass,
the greatest of them cut from earth like nameless blades of grass,
and when the angels came and separated sand from stone,
i wept at how the brood of beauty ever called it home,
for they as wasted children in the school-yard played,
Until the rains came and their phantom kings were swept away.

I heard a lonesome voice from deep within the chasm ask,
when wisps of smoke escaped like trails of ashes from their cask,
were they not better when they sheltered 'neath the wings of dark,
than naked refugees between Atlantis and the Ark?
But as in winter subtle sheaths of ice encase the path,
the lonesome eye sees now the night not yet the aftermath.


Thank you, must go, next door dog is fight pigeon again!
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#2
A  great poem.  Do you know the author? 

Thank you for posting.
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#3
(07-11-2013, 04:47 PM)FlosCampi Wrote: A  great poem.  Do you know the author? 

Thank you for posting.

Thank you very much, (I am the author).
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#4
(07-11-2013, 06:00 PM)LiberaNosIesu Wrote:
(07-11-2013, 04:47 PM)FlosCampi Wrote: A  great poem.  Do you know the author? 

Thank you for posting.

Thank you very much, (I am the author).


Have you had your poetry published other than on the internet? 
May I post it on my website?  I understand you don't want to put your real name on the internet, but you should be proud of your work.
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#5
That last line is golden  :)
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#6
Honest feedback only, not a critique, okay?

You're for free verse I see (T.S. Eliot, Robert Frost, et al.) but you use rhyme and unrhymed lines (no pattern), then I would suggest use the "meter" (iambic pentameter -- Shakespeare and others of that age) which is unsually unrhymed, which would suit your poem but you must maintain a pattern, which is also a rule in free verse, which means cutting down much yet retain your import (the meaning you want to convey).

E.G.:

"The land is basking in the aftermath of all thats past,
and yet its scorched kings leave their shadows still upon the path"

Good and well meant.

In iambic pentameter (five accents in 10 syllables) this would read:

"The land basks in the aftermath gone past,
yet leave shadows of scorched kings on the path"

The sense is almost the same, the style is different (Le style, s'il homme -- is what would make you -- a poet, with your own style).

I'm sure other better versed poets here can put one better than what I could. 
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#7
(07-12-2013, 01:42 AM)FlosCampi Wrote:
(07-11-2013, 06:00 PM)LiberaNosIesu Wrote:
(07-11-2013, 04:47 PM)FlosCampi Wrote: A  great poem.  Do you know the author? 

Thank you for posting.

Thank you very much, (I am the author).


Have you had your poetry published other than on the internet? 
May I post it on my website?  I understand you don't want to put your real name on the internet, but you should be proud of your work.

Hello there, no I haven't really thought about it. I have some ideas for bigger works but I am not in any rush. I will study and pray a few more years and see what happens. Sure you can post it on your website, thank you, and if anyone has any feedback would you let me know? Thanks, Blessed be Jesus!
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#8
(07-12-2013, 11:23 AM)Vincentius Wrote: Honest feedback only, not a critique, okay?

You're for free verse I see (T.S. Eliot, Robert Frost, et al.) but you use rhyme and unrhymed lines (no pattern), then I would suggest use the "meter" (iambic pentameter -- Shakespeare and others of that age) which is unsually unrhymed, which would suit your poem but you must maintain a pattern, which is also a rule in free verse, which means cutting down much yet retain your import (the meaning you want to convey).

E.G.:

"The land is basking in the aftermath of all thats past,
and yet its scorched kings leave their shadows still upon the path"

Good and well meant.

In iambic pentameter (five accents in 10 syllables) this would read:

"The land basks in the aftermath gone past,
yet leave shadows of scorched kings on the path"

The sense is almost the same, the style is different (Le style, s'il homme -- is what would make you -- a poet, with your own style).

I'm sure other better versed poets here can put one better than what I could. 

Thank you for the feedback, just what I was hoping for! I will do some research on iambic pentameter and free verse, and style in general.
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