The Experiences of Homosexual Trads
#9
Thank you for this thread and your appeal to charity, Vox. What a beautiful statement you made in that large paragraph about all races and peoples. Truly, we are called by name by Christ, regardless of our sins. He came to be sacrificed and resurrected for the glory of the Father, that our worthless little human glorifications, tinged by sin, might become truly mighty praises offered in a deserving manner to the God of Hosts. That sacrifice continues daily, hourly, across the world for all us unworthy sinners.

I am very ambivalent about the attitude that most people - gay, straight, traditionalist, liberal - take in this matter. If we're going to have a "gay trads" thread, why not have "trads who love legs", "trads who love backsides", and "trads who love breasts" threads? That is very crude, but it illustrates a conviction I always had, even as an atheist: our sexual attractions are not us. Having a fetish for legs or other parts of the female body, in straight men, is just as twisted as having a fetish for members of the same sex. One distorts the humanity of the female he is attracted to, and the other distorts the image of God in what he is attracted to, by shifting it to members of his own sex.

Anyway, this thread is a good opportunity, so I should not disparage it!

I am 25, male, a little overweight, with glasses, and a full but short beard. Broad shoulders. Not immediately obvious as one to be trifled with, or a stereotypical ponce or fruit. I wear polo shirts casually and a full suit & tie when I go to church. I am quiet, intellectual, melancholic, and INFJ. I am a ridiculously excitable person in the realm of sexuality, but that probably just comes with youth. I draw architectural drafts while dreaming of restoring Romanesque and Classical styles to Catholic churches, and help with English-language tutoring for Italians in this area. I despise the gay lifestyle and think it is entirely from Satan. Due to extreme depression and anxiety throughout my teenage years, however, I never left the house much, so I was never drawn into the Lifestyle. There's a gay bar in this city, but it might as well have been 3000 miles away. Thanks be to God.

I'd say I am a trad, but I live in a place where there are no licit 1962 Masses celebrated for more than 100 miles in every direction. I've enver heard a novus ordo priest say anything overtly accepting of homosexuality, gay marriage, or whatever. They do get ambiguous, saying we need to accept everyone, love everyone, etc., with all the abandonment of Catholic teaching which that style of speech can imply. This is a very boring, usual liberal diocese with not-particularly-holy Masses, but nothing particularly wild either. I basically just feel lost and empty here... but it's better than being in a den of iniquity like San Francisco or a pit of heresy like Amsterdam. I long for the reverent Mass, the Mass that has content. Sometimes I wonder if it's due to the innate psychological tendencies to melodrama, ballet, and showing-off. I fully admit that all gay men have this interest - the Oxford movement was filled with homosexuals, effeminate men, and pederasts. They loved the hangings and incense and flowers and bells and colours.

I believe male homosexuality (or, better, same-sex attractions) is caused by neglect, abuse, a distant father, loneliness, and emptiness. One simply does not grow up properly when under constant anxiety, which causes self-obsession, which leads to a sense of brokenness and entitlement. That feeling of being broken leads to you looking at other gay men (who are similarly psychologically broken) and, instead of seeing the image of God, seeing your own self. You attach to them, and almost want to comfort and embrace your own self in them. Genetic causes will never be found for homosexuality. It's all about not having becoming a man, in the ethical and virtuous sense... and that can be traced to a relationship with the father and mother. Nurture, not nature! We all sin in our fallen nature, but particular sins are formed by the way we live.

My great desire is to be a religious and/or priest of any kind. Franciscan, Dominican, Carthusian, diocesan, clerk, canon - anything sacred. I have lately seen that this is actually a wish to break free from the smothering feeling of being useless, worthless, and pointless as a "fag". Having had these exclusively-male-directed urges since I was 11 years old, my whole adolescence and adulthood has been formed by them. I have given up impurity, and would never go anywhere near a gay man who looked at me in a queer fashion. I have zero attraction to boys, and would never act on such attractions anyway. It doesn't look as if I'd ever be able to apply to become a seminarian or brother in good conscience, however, as the Church has always been very clear about the emotional and spiritual state required for that.

Since I have no interest in women and hate dishonesty, I cannot force myself to marry. Along with Papist, I've pretty much come to accept that I'll be a pointless, useless lay-person, celibate and alone, for the rest of my life. That is how I see it when I am in darkness. When in the light of joy and hope, I know that I can never be alone if I am in the state of grace - and even if I am not, Christ is still creating me and sending forth His Spirit to keep me in existence. Praise God. There is so much more to life than sexuality.
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Re: The Experiences of Homosexual Trads - by Heorot - 02-26-2014, 08:27 PM



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