Trad Men and Annulled Women
#21
(09-03-2014, 08:27 AM)Old_Sarum Wrote: I'm totally single, btw girls. Just letting you all know.

What are you waiting for? Start your dating thread in the In Search of a Spouse Subforum!  :)

Neopelagianus
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#22
(09-03-2014, 08:16 AM)Neopelagianus Wrote:
(09-01-2014, 03:01 PM)PatienceAndLove Wrote: I actually had one guy tell me that he only wanted to marry a virgin!


How awfully rude  :realmad:


Neopelagianus

How is that rude? Maybe he's a virgin and would be more comfortable with another virgin.
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#23
(09-09-2014, 01:25 AM)orangemetal Wrote:
(09-03-2014, 08:16 AM)Neopelagianus Wrote:
(09-01-2014, 03:01 PM)PatienceAndLove Wrote: I actually had one guy tell me that he only wanted to marry a virgin!


How awfully rude  :realmad:


Neopelagianus

How is that rude? Maybe he's a virgin and would be more comfortable with another virgin.

It is a plain fact, though an unpleasant one if it's you, that a woman who is not a virgin is generally less desirable as a mate. It won't do anyone any good to get upset at men for their preferences here. And yes, there is a double standard with men here; that's nature, and that's life.
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#24
(09-09-2014, 02:41 AM)Dirigible Wrote: It is a plain fact, though an unpleasant one if it's you, that a woman who is not a virgin is generally less desirable as a mate. It won't do anyone any good to get upset at men for their preferences here. And yes, there is a double standard with men here; that's nature, and that's life.

Not trying to be gross or saying I agree but there is a reason for the "double standard." If you look at things in a purely physical way, sex washes off men but not women. A woman can't exactly "clean herself out." A guy can wash himself off to give the illusion that he is "clean." Of coarse spiritually that is nonsense since both souls are marked with sin if sex is outside of marriage. For those who don't see with the Spirit it would be hard to see a woman with a child as "clean."

The "double standard" really isn't such a double standard though. If a man said he was married several times many women might shy away from him because there may be a reason his marriages don't last and that reason may be his personality. It isn't the sex per se that women would be turned off by, but the circumstances that led to it. Also, how many women are really excited to mother another woman's children? Women can be so catty about stupid things like presents for kids (http://dailycurrant.com/2013/11/30/woman...-wal-mart/) or what their peers wear. Can you imagine what parenting the same kid would be like? Same would be true for guys.
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#25
(09-09-2014, 05:13 PM)divinesilence80 Wrote:
(09-09-2014, 02:41 AM)Dirigible Wrote: It is a plain fact, though an unpleasant one if it's you, that a woman who is not a virgin is generally less desirable as a mate. It won't do anyone any good to get upset at men for their preferences here. And yes, there is a double standard with men here; that's nature, and that's life.

Not trying to be gross or saying I agree but there is a reason for the "double standard." If you look at things in a purely physical way, sex washes off men but not women. A woman can't exactly "clean herself out." A guy can wash himself off to give the illusion that he is "clean." Of coarse spiritually that is nonsense since both souls are marked with sin if sex is outside of marriage. For those who don't see with the Spirit it would be hard to see a woman with a child as "clean." 

That analogy doesn't make sense.

(09-09-2014, 05:13 PM)divinesilence80 Wrote: The "double standard" really isn't such a double standard though. If a man said he was married several times many women might shy away from him because there may be a reason his marriages don't last and that reason may be his personality. It isn't the sex per se that women would be turned off by, but the circumstances that led to it. Also, how many women are really excited to mother another woman's children? Women can be so catty about stupid things like presents for kids (http://dailycurrant.com/2013/11/30/woman...-wal-mart/) or what their peers wear. Can you imagine what parenting the same kid would be like? Same would be true for guys.

Yes, a man who has been married several times before would indeed probably worry a woman.
But to completely dismiss a person because she isn't a virgin is ridiculous. 
If it was the fact that I had a child that bothered him, he should have said s, because I understand the concern (my daughter was one of the reasons my XH cited divorcing me).  To say "I only date virgins" smacks of a holy-than-thou attitude.
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#26
(09-09-2014, 05:21 PM)PatienceAndLove Wrote: That analogy doesn't make sense.

It makes perfect sense. Most guys have an aversion to other guys' genetic material. Whether its because of cultural conditioning or some natural phenomenon that is how it is. For women, however, there is no transfer of genetic material to a man and as I said "men can wash off the evidence" from themselves. Also, since most trad guys take responsibility for the family's security, dealing with the potential threat of another dude barging in to become an issue can be a huge turn off to many. It is unlikely that a woman would pose a comparable threat to the family's security except by using the police power of the feminist-sympathetic state.

(09-09-2014, 05:21 PM)PatienceAndLove Wrote: Yes, a man who has been married several times before would indeed probably worry a woman.
But to completely dismiss a person because she isn't a virgin is ridiculous. 
If it was the fact that I had a child that bothered him, he should have said s, because I understand the concern (my daughter was one of the reasons my XH cited divorcing me).  To say "I only date virgins" smacks of a holy-than-thou attitude.

Never said I agree with that line of thinking, but my guess is the said guy doesn't have very good interpersonal communication skills. Some people only date those of a certain height. Some a certain profession. Some a certain religion. Being a virgin is just another item on the list. There are far more women who refuse to date us short guys than there are guys who require virginity and being short is completely out of our control.
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#27
Our lord said, "behold, I make all things new."

There is virginity and purity of the body, and then there is purity of the heart.

I married my wife who was raped as a 5 year old girl.  She also was raped on another occasion as an 8th grader, and carried and miscarried that baby.  Never once did I think she was dirty, even though she was not a virgin in its archaic form.

Don't listen to anyone that would tell you that you're less than desirable.  If God wants you to marry, it will happen.

Patiwnce and love, cultivate the virtues of purity and love of God..trust in God's will.  I heard it somewhere that
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#28
(09-01-2014, 03:01 PM)PatienceAndLove Wrote: My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up back in May.  It was a long distance relationship.  He made the suggestion that there were plenty of Trad men in my area, and I should have no problem replacing him.

So, out of curiosity, I registered with two well-known online dating sites for Catholics.  My searches have turned up CINOs galore, staunch OF-ers (know desire to explore Traditional Catholicism), and Trad guys with no interest in annulled women.
The CINOs hit me up rather regularly, but are more interested in getting together for adult activities and the ability to finally say to their families "look! she's Catholic!"; or they espouse heretical beliefs like Mary Magdalene being Christ's lover (?!?!?!??!!!!).
The staunch OF-ers are interesting to talk to, but many have expressed concern over my photo of me veiling (no one does that anymore!) and my preferred Mass being the EF (the priest has his back to the people! no one speaks Latin!!). 
The Trad guys I have attempted to talk to message me back summarily dismissing me because I am annulled and have a child.  I actually had one guy tell me that he only wanted to marry a virgin!

Suffice to say, this has devastated me, and actually driven me to tears several times.


PLEASE someone tell me that all of these men are anomalies and that maybe I will find the man God wishes me to meet.

OH! And I do attend the EF in my area- the other attendees are older (50's+), married, or seminarians (at least that's a good thing that the seminarians are attending!!)
I do admit to not making it up to the EF in Erie, as that's is currently a bit far away (I already have to drive to Edinboro everyday for my temp job... driving to Erie on a Sunday feels a bit much).

TIA, y'all!

OK, I'll admit, what is EF? I'm familiar with NO & SSPX.
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#29
(09-02-2014, 11:13 AM)items Wrote:
(09-01-2014, 09:39 PM)AntoniusMaximus Wrote: My take is that dating sites, particularly Catholic ones are not worth the geld or time.  Dating or Courting, in general, is very difficult even among Catholic circles.  My experience with one of the premier Catholic dating sites is (mind you I am a man here), is that very few women on there were serious about looking for a mate, while most of the men are either creepers or generally socially inept (even more so than myself!), which is probably why few women take it seriously.  And it gets harder when you are in that age range from late 20's to mid-30s where you are still young in spirit, but you can't connect with younger people (who are less likely to be serious about relationships) and older people (who are less desirable for mates in general). 

I have been stressing myself lately whether I should try to date again or just remain in the single state.  I think divinesilence got it right with pray not for a spouse but for God to show you the way to the vocation, He has for you.  Don't be stressed by it and be patient.

(09-02-2014, 12:52 AM)PatienceAndLove Wrote:
(09-02-2014, 12:27 AM)RyanPatrick Wrote: I should add, though, that if you're annulled, you were never married to begin with so that should not be a problem to a Trad man.

You'd think.  I think the big problem is is that I have a daughter.  A lot of men don't want to be an "insta-dad".

This all is quite moot, though, since I am in no place to be with anyone.  It's just gonna be me and The Lord for a long while.

I think it would be worth your time to check out a tradition-oriented dating site and pay the money. In terms of dating sites, the best things aren't necessarily free. There are some generalizations being thrown around here about trad guys (and gals) that are not necessarily germane to the conversation. I wouldn't say that a man would be wrong for not wanting a child immediately that is not his. Some of the questions he might have would be how involved the bio dad is and what that would mean for your married relationship. Also having a child living in the home that is not "flesh and blood" may be difficult for some guys, too. The point is the guy needs to be true to himself and know what he values in a potential mate before he's out there, just like you must.

These are all things that may work or may not be deal breakers for some. I would, however, caution you in trying to be muted about being a trad. That will get you someone who is attracted to a woman who is good at masking her true proclivities. The previous poster who mentioned what else you could possibly compromise on is spot-on. What if you do meet a trad guy who is a bit more open minded with respect to children? And they are out there. You need to be true to yourself and to a potential mate. I say this after having dated two women with whom I "hid" aspects of tradition. I learned my lesson about that. They both ended up being explosive (and not in a good way), with both relationships ending over religious matters on which trads and non-trads frequently clash. Both were Catholic, both converts whom I thought were zealous, though in the end I found out the hard way that they were not interested in attending the TLM or the reasons why I attend. Was I necessarily the best witness? Maybe not, but you also shouldn't have to worry about evangelizing in a relationship. Relationships are hard enough without religious differences.

After having met a traditional lady online who is now my wife, I am glad to say I never once compromised the faith or did something as a trad that I would be uncomfortable doing just to "score" someone.
I have been sorely disappointed with CM. Yet, it's great you can create useful filters on that site. Avemariasingles is a disappointment. I'm willing to try a couple sites I've seen on this thread.
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#30
Heart 
I wonder also if men over 40 (>50) are less interested in a woman who, while granted an annulment several years ago, ready for the right relationship :heart: , are less inclined when I tell them I do not have any children. Course I suppose my other glitch might be an issue with dogs.

I know he's out there!
I've started asking St Raphael for prayers and assistance.
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