That I may be saved from eternal death
#1
Friends,

Yesterday, I attended a talk on the child-abuse crisis given by a Sister. She turned out to be a novus ordo liberal, but her words really gave me pause about my future. Mostly, the conference was veiled anti-patriarchy nonsense; however, her focus on the need for maturity in seminarians was painful news.

Candidates for priesthood after the late 1960s were often emotionally-immature - and they became the abusers. By her estimation -  as a medical doctor - they lacked a healthy sense of relationship, family, an sexuality. Whether psychopathic offenders or "situational" offenders, their whole sense of Self was screwed-up.

I am probably in the same position as those men back then. I am extremely conflicted about my human identity and very fatigued and sad about the cyclical emptiness of life. I am far too nervous to drive a car. I am mostly a shut-in, because I'm afraid of getting a job "out there" in the scary, Godless "real world". I don't see any reason to live, except to be a help for the Church as a cleric.

With all these characteristics that heavily burden me, I can't see a way forward. I am afraid that if I pursued priesthood, my strong homosexual desires, deep sense of isolation, and emotional immaturity would destroy many souls - no matter how virtuous I tried to be. I am just "broken". I am very sad, because my life seems to be a pointless one: alone, useless, and mocked by Satan.

I desire prayers: that my way forward, my ultimate vocation, and my knowledge of salvation in Christ will be strengthened to a degree that I can have some sort of hope to live on. Right now, I have absolutely none.
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#2
Praying for you, Heorot.
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#3
Keep calm Heorot; or as our God would say, “Be still and see that I am God”.

I'll pray for you tomorrow.

Firstly, have you got any friends or family? If so you should talk to them about this fear of getting out and ask their help. There's nothing to fear out there—and I even bet Canada is a relatively safe place.

Secondly, regarding your vocation, firstly, the priesthood is indeed a very high calling, but every vocation when it happens, when God calls us to live some life, happens when we are yet sinful. The universal call to sainthood is made when we are yet sinners—remember Christ came for the sinners, and by Him we have peace with God; also I don't think anyone would marry anyone if they waited for perfection before entering holy matrimony. Secondly, its a fallacy that others people mistakes will be yours because you share some similarities.
If you don't think you're good for the priesthood, have you considered religious life, say, as a cloistered monk? I think this is one of the best lives, really, and have even considered for myself (still, who knows, I'm not engaged..)

One thing that I've learned with a wise person is that much anxiety comes from we judging ourselves, but even St. Paul said he dares not to judge himself, because he doesn't know himself. The process of knowing oneself is really hard and it takes a lifetime—we have all this stuff around us that is not the I (the I that should speak to God, the I that should be there in confession), like prejudice, vices, ideas whose origins we know not, etc. So, in most cases this judgment is false. When you are tempted to go on into judgment and remorse, etc., just say a prayer, an Ave or the Jesus prayer, that way you'll eventually change one habit with another.
Don't know if this trick will help, but it certainly helps me when I begin to despair and doubt God's favor.

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#4
(01-17-2015, 07:04 PM)Heorot Wrote: Friends,

Yesterday, I attended a talk on the child-abuse crisis given by a Sister. She turned out to be a novus ordo liberal, but her words really gave me pause about my future. Mostly, the conference was veiled anti-patriarchy nonsense; however, her focus on the need for maturity in seminarians was painful news.

Candidates for priesthood after the late 1960s were often emotionally-immature - and they became the abusers. By her estimation -  as a medical doctor - they lacked a healthy sense of relationship, family, an sexuality. Whether psychopathic offenders or "situational" offenders, their whole sense of Self was screwed-up.

I am probably in the same position as those men back then. I am extremely conflicted about my human identity and very fatigued and sad about the cyclical emptiness of life. I am far too nervous to drive a car. I am mostly a shut-in, because I'm afraid of getting a job "out there" in the scary, Godless "real world". I don't see any reason to live, except to be a help for the Church as a cleric.

With all these characteristics that heavily burden me, I can't see a way forward. I am afraid that if I pursued priesthood, my strong homosexual desires, deep sense of isolation, and emotional immaturity would destroy many souls - no matter how virtuous I tried to be. I am just "broken". I am very sad, because my life seems to be a pointless one: alone, useless, and mocked by Satan.

I desire prayers: that my way forward, my ultimate vocation, and my knowledge of salvation in Christ will be strengthened to a degree that I can have some sort of hope to live on. Right now, I have absolutely none.

Have you sought psychological help? It's possible that you could have some sort of anxiety disorder. I suffer from anxiety-which is tied to my hoarding-but I myself have not sought any form of help or treatment. I have been trying to exercise self-control, but it's not working. At the same time, I can't find myself motivated to go get help from a Catholic therapist. My anxiety is debilitating in the sense that I have physical discomfort, can't focus, and just seem to act impulsively.
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#5
:pray:
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#6
:pray: :pray: :pray: :pray:
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#7
:pray:
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