Wanna hear a joke?
This joke comes from the Biersach & Coulombe episode with regard to false apparitions.

Our Lord spoke with Our Lady and St. Joseph and said, "I want to give you both vacations back on earth. Where would you like to go?"

St. Joseph said, "I'd like to go back to Jerusalem and Bethlehem and revisit all the holy sites."

Our Lady said, "I'd like to go to Medjugorje. I've never been there."

Also, my fiance said this the other day and I thought it was really funny. I'll have to paraphrase it a bit because I won't get it completely verbatim. His daughter was playfully making some bizarre sounds. He said to me, "Go ahead. You can go in there and check up on her." I asked why he wanted me to do it, and he said, "She's making demonic noises. I figured you have more skill in those areas."  LOL
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Osama allowed a short visit to Heaven

After his death, Osama bin Laden was allowed a short visit Heaven.

There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!".

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared.

Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"


Oh, where are the snows of yesteryear!
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A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, sits down, and orders a shot.  He downs the shot, slams the shot glass on the counter, and says, "TGIF!"  A Mexican guy sitting next to him orders a shot, downs it, and says, "SPIT!"  The cowboy looks at him kinda funny, orders a 2d shot, and yells again, "TGIF!"  The Mexican guy also orders a 2d shot, downs it, and again says, "SPIT!"  Finally the cowboy asks him, "What on earth does SPIT mean?"  To which the Mexican replies, Stupid Pendejo, It's Thursday!"
-sent by howitzer via the breech.

God's love is manifest in the landscape as in a face.  - John Muir

I want creation to penetrate you with so much admiration that wherever you go, the least plant may bring you clear remembrance of the Creator.  A single plant, a blade of grass, or one speck of dust is sufficient to occupy all your intelligence in beholding the art with which it has been made  - Saint Basil

Heaven is under our feet, as well as over our heads. - Thoreau, Walden
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In honour of the Irish for St Paddy's Day.


A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.


The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"


The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Jovan-Marya of the Immaculate Conception Weismiller, T.O.Carm.

Vive le Christ-roi! Vive le roi, Louis XX!
Deum timete, regem honorificate.
Kansan by birth! Albertan by choice! Jayhawk by the Grace of God!
  “Qui me amat, amet et canem meum. (Who loves me will love my dog also.)” 
St Bernard of Clairvaux

My Blog 'Musings of an Old Curmudgeon'


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The Spoon

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Very impressive!

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirtpocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. ‘If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' ‘Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.


I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
 
Have a nice day


Oh, where are the snows of yesteryear!
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Yesterday we had some pretty nice weather here.  So I took the opportunity to lounge out back in my hammock and sip a beer.  The beer helped stimulate some deep thoughts.

After a while, my wife walked by and asked what I was doing.  I told her I was thinking.  "About what?" she asked.  About the old question of whether giving birth is more painful than a guy being kicked in the junk is what I told her.  She said I was being ridiculous, and that nothing is more painful than giving birth. She seemed rather annoyed that I would ask such a question.

After a minute, I told her that she was wrong, and that getting kicked in the junk is more painful than giving birth. I explained to her that however painful childbirth is, it's pretty common for a woman to say a year or two later, "It would be nice to have another baby." I have never, ever heard a man say, "You know? I'd really like to get kicked in the nuts again."

It's time for another beer.
-sent by howitzer via the breech.

God's love is manifest in the landscape as in a face.  - John Muir

I want creation to penetrate you with so much admiration that wherever you go, the least plant may bring you clear remembrance of the Creator.  A single plant, a blade of grass, or one speck of dust is sufficient to occupy all your intelligence in beholding the art with which it has been made  - Saint Basil

Heaven is under our feet, as well as over our heads. - Thoreau, Walden
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How does crazy person get to the woods?

They take the psychopath.


Oh, where are the snows of yesteryear!
[-] The following 2 users Like Blind Horus's post:
  • Jeeter, jovan66102
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(03-20-2019, 02:23 PM)Jeeter Wrote: Yesterday we had some pretty nice weather here.  So I took the opportunity to lounge out back in my hammock and sip a beer.  The beer helped stimulate some deep thoughts.

After a while, my wife walked by and asked what I was doing.  I told her I was thinking.  "About what?" she asked.  About the old question of whether giving birth is more painful than a guy being kicked in the junk is what I told her.  She said I was being ridiculous, and that nothing is more painful than giving birth.  She seemed rather annoyed that I would ask such a question.  

After a minute, I told her that she was wrong, and that getting kicked in the junk is more painful than giving birth.  I explained to her that however painful childbirth is, it's pretty common for a woman to say a year or two later, "It would be nice to have another baby."  I have never, ever heard a man say, "You know?  I'd really like to get kicked in the nuts again."

It's time for another beer.

Crazy, but I actually liked giving birth. For me it was powerful, not painful.
"Not only are we all in the same boat, but we are all seasick.” --G.K. Chesterton
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(03-20-2019, 03:04 PM)Blind Horus Wrote: How does crazy person get to the woods?

They take the psychopath.

You hit my weakness: I love psycho jokes!

[Image: psyco-the-rapist.jpg]
-sent by howitzer via the breech.

God's love is manifest in the landscape as in a face.  - John Muir

I want creation to penetrate you with so much admiration that wherever you go, the least plant may bring you clear remembrance of the Creator.  A single plant, a blade of grass, or one speck of dust is sufficient to occupy all your intelligence in beholding the art with which it has been made  - Saint Basil

Heaven is under our feet, as well as over our heads. - Thoreau, Walden
[-] The following 1 user Likes Jeeter's post:
  • SeeTheLight
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(03-21-2019, 06:13 AM)JacafamalaRedux Wrote: Crazy, but I actually liked giving birth. For me it was powerful, not painful.

Wow! You should have heard the things my wife called me whilst he was in labour!
Jovan-Marya of the Immaculate Conception Weismiller, T.O.Carm.

Vive le Christ-roi! Vive le roi, Louis XX!
Deum timete, regem honorificate.
Kansan by birth! Albertan by choice! Jayhawk by the Grace of God!
  “Qui me amat, amet et canem meum. (Who loves me will love my dog also.)” 
St Bernard of Clairvaux

My Blog 'Musings of an Old Curmudgeon'


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