Wanna hear a joke?
A man walks into a grocery store, grabs 50 cans of cat food, and goes to pay. The cashier thinks to himself, “How do I know this guy’s really buying the food for his cats, and isn’t feeding it to kids?” So for proof, the cashier asks the customer to bring a cat. So the man goes home, returns with a cat, and the cashier completes the sale.

A few days later, the same man walks into the same store and grabs 50 cans of dog food. Again, the cashier questions whether the customer is using the dog food for dogs, or feeding it to his children, so he asks the customer to bring a dog as proof. The man goes home, returns with a dog, and the cashier completes the sale.

The next day, the same man walks in, this time carrying a bag. He goes to the cashier and asks him to put his hand in the bag and grab. The cashier does so, then yells, “You have poop in this bag!” The man replies, “Yep, it’s poop. Now may I buy some toilet paper?”
-sent by howitzer via the breech.

God's love is manifest in the landscape as in a face.  - John Muir

I want creation to penetrate you with so much admiration that wherever you go, the least plant may bring you clear remembrance of the Creator.  A single plant, a blade of grass, or one speck of dust is sufficient to occupy all your intelligence in beholding the art with which it has been made  - Saint Basil

Heaven is under our feet, as well as over our heads. - Thoreau, Walden
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An old one...

Christmas Story for people having a bad day: 



When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce 

toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which 

stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were 

about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, 

the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a 

shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider 

and hidden the liquor. 

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it 

broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found 

the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, 

yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. 

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a 

lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas 

tree.
Oh, where are the snows of yesteryear!
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My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended Morgan Park secondary school .
'Yes, yes i did. I'm a Morganner! 'He beamed with pride.
'When did you leave to go to college?' I asked
He answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?
'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then the ugly,
Old,
Bald,
Wrinkled,
Fat arsed,
Grey haired,
Decrepit,
******* asked..
'What did you teach?'
Oh, where are the snows of yesteryear!
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Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Truck.” 
Oh, where are the snows of yesteryear!
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:LOL: Even the C&SH thought that was funny!
Jovan-Marya of the Immaculate Conception Weismiller, T.O.Carm.

Vive le Christ-roi! Vive le roi, Louis XX!
Deum timete, regem honorificate.
Kansan by birth! Albertan by choice! Jayhawk by the Grace of God!
“Qui me amat, amet et canem meum. (Who loves me will love my dog.)” 
St Bernard of Clairvaux

My Blog 'Musings of an Old Curmudgeon'
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In honour of the Irish on St Paddy's Day...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to get the attention of the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.


The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.


The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.


The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did ya go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"


The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Jovan-Marya of the Immaculate Conception Weismiller, T.O.Carm.

Vive le Christ-roi! Vive le roi, Louis XX!
Deum timete, regem honorificate.
Kansan by birth! Albertan by choice! Jayhawk by the Grace of God!
“Qui me amat, amet et canem meum. (Who loves me will love my dog.)” 
St Bernard of Clairvaux

My Blog 'Musings of an Old Curmudgeon'
FishEaters Group on MeWe
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Did you hear about the drive in confessional? The sign said, 'Toot and tell, or go to hell'. :LOL:
Jovan-Marya of the Immaculate Conception Weismiller, T.O.Carm.

Vive le Christ-roi! Vive le roi, Louis XX!
Deum timete, regem honorificate.
Kansan by birth! Albertan by choice! Jayhawk by the Grace of God!
“Qui me amat, amet et canem meum. (Who loves me will love my dog.)” 
St Bernard of Clairvaux

My Blog 'Musings of an Old Curmudgeon'
FishEaters Group on MeWe
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UK Virus ALERT

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “P**** Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

The Russians have said “Its not us”
Oh, where are the snows of yesteryear!
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A passenger in a taxicab on the way to the airport gently tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. To the passenger's surprise, the driver let out a horrendous scream and nearly lost control of the cab, nearly striking a pedestrian and stopping just inches from a store's plate glass window.

"Oh my!" said the passenger, "I didn't mean to frighten you. I only wanted to ask a question. I'm sorry."

"No, no." replied the driver, "It was my fault. It was just a bit unexpected. This is my first day driving a taxicab. For the last twenty-five years, I've been driving a hearse."
Oh, where are the snows of yesteryear!
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Enjoy:

Better still:
One should have an open mind; open enough that things get in, but not so open that everything falls out
Art Bell
  
I don't need a good memory, because I always tell the truth.
Jessie Ventura

Its no wonder truth is stranger than fiction.
Fiction has to make sense
Mark Twain

If history doesn't repeat itself, it sure does rhyme.
Mark Twain

You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.
C.S. Lewis

Political Correctness is Fascism pretending to be manners.
George Carlin

“In a time of deceit…truth is a revolutionary act”
George Orwell
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