Wanna hear a joke?
(08-21-2015, 12:13 AM)jovan66102 Wrote: What do you call a pair of crows?

Attempted murder.

Good one!  Grin

A woman in a skimpy dress sat near Pope St. John XXIII during a meal. He did not say anything to her, but after the meal, he handed her an apple. She thanked him, but also asked him why he gave her an apple. He said, "It has to do with Eve. You see, after she ate the apple, she discovered her lack of clothing!"

Paraphrased from: http://stmaryvalleybloom.org/3rdSundayEaster-c.html
I posted this back in '07, so I think it's safe to post it again!

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.  They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.  The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.  These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1.        Liberals; and
2.        Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.  That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and  hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.  The rest became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.  Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.  Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.  Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.  Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer.. They eat red meat and still provide for their women.  Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.  Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.  That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.  They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.  A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tic them off.

Laughter is good. I'll bite:

Q: What smells worse than a whaling ship?
A: The Greenpeace ship following it.

Q: What does a hippie do when he sees a spaceman?
A: He parks his car in it, man!

Q: How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Hippies only screw in filthy sleeping bags.
A guy walks into a Latino-owned book store, and looks out of place, so the owner comes over and asks if he needs help.  The man says, "Yes, I'm looking for the book on Trump's immigration policies."  The owner becomes enraged and yells at the man, "GET OUT!  GET THE HECK OUT AND DON'T EVER COME BACK!!!"  The customer gets excited and says, "Yeah, that's it!  Do you have it in hardback?"

Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

A Baptist minister, sorely tempted, finally propositioned the choir director one night after practice, when they were alone in the church. "Where should we do it, Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied. "Right here on the floor!" he panted. "It'd be too cold." she whispered. "How about standing up?" He was shocked. "Good Lord, girl, have you taken leave of your senses? If anyone came in, they'd think we were dancing!"
I walked into a restaurant the other day, and saw three large women with accents I assumed to be Scottish. Trying to be pleasant and make small talk I asked, "What part of Scotland are you lassies from?" They glared at me and one said, "It's Wales! Wales, you idiot!"

"Very well," I replied, "What part of Scotland are you whales from?"

That's the last thing I remember...
A harp seal walks in and sits down at the bar. The bartender asks what he wants. The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks!"
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Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is!"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"That I can!"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I most surely do!"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"Indeed, he is!"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."
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