Moving out...how do you soften the blow for a parent?
#1
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#2
Can't you just ignore her? While I know she's your mother, can't you just treat her like a roommate at this point, which means you have permission to not indulge her in unnecessary communications?
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#3
I agree with PM: keep all communication to a minimum.  At this point, that seems the safest bet. 
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#4
(07-21-2016, 03:56 PM)PrairieMom Wrote: Can't you just ignore her? While I know she's your mother, can't you just treat her like a roommate at this point, which means you have permission to not indulge her in unnecessary communications?
I can for the most part. My main concern is that she'll freak out when the time comes from me to leave.
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#5
She is going to freak out.  If she freaks out about trying to tone down the junk food in the house, she most certainly will get upset when you leave the country.  You can't change that.  But you are also an adult and fully capable of making your own decisions.  You have tried being nice; at this point, don't mince or play nice.  Don't fight her unless you absolutely have to, but just let her be responsible for her own emotions and choices and you be responsible for yours.
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#6
(07-21-2016, 04:04 PM)Fontevrault Wrote: She is going to freak out.  If she freaks out about trying to tone down the junk food in the house, she most certainly will get upset when you leave the country.  You can't change that.  But you are also an adult and fully capable of making your own decisions.  You have tried being nice; at this point, don't mince or play nice.  Don't fight her unless you absolutely have to, but just let her be responsible for her own emotions and choices and you be responsible for yours.
Good advice. Thank you, Fonte.

Thank you as well, PM.
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#7
Chin up!  Moms can be a hard thing to handle.  Honoring your parents as an adult does not mean never making them upset.  If it did, I'd be in serious trouble!  When parents get overly emotional (let's be honest: I mean moms), all you can do is make sure your own responses are as level handed as you can manage and stay honest.  It's tempting to not rock the boat, but that gives them an illusion of control over your adult life that must eventually be destroyed.  It's kinder (in the long term) and more honest to voice your concerns and do so in as loving and respectful a way as you can manage. 

For example, when we told Pilgrim's parents we were going to move in with mine, we both expected a complete explosion.  In the past, his mother has thrown fits of epic proportions, so it would have been completely in character for her to do so now.  We have been known to avoid all confrontation because the last big fight almost ended our relationship with my in-laws.  Luckily, that was years ago.  This time, she asked details about the arrangement, wanted to see pictures, and asked her husband to open a bottle of champagne to congratulate us.  This was a shocking and amazing outcome that wasn't even on our "possible reactions" list.  I think she has finally come around to the idea that we always have good reasons for what we do and generally make good decisions.  But this is a relatively new phenomenon.  It would never have been possible if we hadn't upset her in the past and instead had always done as she asked.  It also wouldn't have happened if we had gone in there all emotional and ready for a fight.  I spent months working up to this conversation: laying groundwork, building ideas by sharing information about my parents' health, and just presenting the facts as they are.  So, when the final conversation came, it was a logical solution to a lot of issues. 

Your mom isn't acting in a logical fashion.  She isn't processing things normally.  At this point, she knows you are leaving, knows why, and has voiced her opinion.  There isn't much more to discuss.  There is no way to win the argument except by doing exactly what you have planned to do and letting her sort out her own emotions about it. 
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#8
Could she be a narcissist??  I have just recently found out I have one in my life and they act irrationally like that. Good luck and I agree as little contact as possible.
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#9
(07-21-2016, 07:36 PM)algts Wrote: Could she be a narcissist??  I have just recently found out I have one in my life and they act irrationally like that. Good luck and I agree as little contact as possible.
Possibly, although, in my personal opinion, I think she's a borderline. There's a title of a book on Borderline Personality Disorder out there called, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me," and that is exactly how she acts most of the time. Her moods go from being really happy and interested in being around me to being really angry and agitated and isolating herself from me, and I'm never quite sure which version of her I'm going to get on any given day. Some days, I get both.

She's only like this with her children; she is very bubbly and outgoing to everyone else around her, always. If she gets unpleasant with me, she says it's because she's tired, she hurts, or something else, but these almost never result in her losing her temper with anyone else here. She very, very seldom gets visibly angry with anyone but me, and she doesn't speak to her other daughter at all.
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#10
I agree with Fonte 100%. She's going to freak out no matter what you do. You've clearly outlined what's happening and why, and beyond that there's not much you can do.

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