Moving out...how do you soften the blow for a parent?
#21
Do you have siblings or anything that can step in? I can't remember what that part of your situation is. I'm a bit concerned what will happen to her once you do go, with all the abberent behaviour. I'm not suggesting that you don't leave (quite the opposite.... she's clearly manipulating you and like Fonte says bringing her along is NOT a good idea!), but I'm wondering if that should be part of your exit strategy (to hand off care to someone else).

Also, how old is she? From what you're describing, I would agree that there's some sort of mental illness. Is there a social worker or something you can contact to get her paneled, if you think she might not be able to cope once you're gone? I know here in Manitoba you would contact them through the hospitals and/or family physician for that kind of assessment.

But I also agree that threats from her should be dealt with as Sacred Heart Lover describes. There are serious consequences to that kind of behaviour.
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#22
Her biological daughter (I'm adopted; she's my biological grandmother) lives in the States and they don't talk to each other anymore. From the sounds of it, my biological mom had similar issues with her.

The big reason why I wanted her to come along on the flight was, frankly, so I wouldn't be as concerned on the planes, but I've begun writing down a list of things to keep in mind in regard to their safety. I had a landing gear malfunction on a flight to Lexington, Kentucky, and we had to turn around and go back to Chicago to change planes. I'm sure it felt worse than it actually was, but it felt horrible, and I've been avoiding planes since then. It is the most logical thing to do in this situation, though, because I don't want my boyfriend to drive for 10-15 hours to pick me up at the halfway point and then turn around and drive another 10-15 hours to get home.

In regard to her age, I think she's sensitive about it, but she was born in 1945.

I can see if someone can watch her, but I texted someone in the family, letting them know that she was going off the rails, and got no response. I know it was seen because it had the 'read' notification, I'm almost certain.
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#23
In some ways, you situation reminds me a lot of my husband's grandmother. She was a difficult person to live with, and her behaviour pushed everyone away (her children and her grandchildren/great-grandchildren). She was elderly when she passed last year (she was 90 I think), but the pattern of behaviour stretches back to when my husband's mom was a kid.  In the 13 years I've been with my husband, I saw her berate people, accuse them of stealing, try to shame people by invoking the "what would your mother think" (her daughter/their mother died in the 80's), she was basically a horder and didn't trust anyone. And yet when the situation suited her, she could be a lovely, charming person.

Her living children all lived in another province and had for many decades, and the one daughter that she had regular contact with (my husband's aunt) had some of the same similar patterns - accused the grandkids of wanting to "get something" from Grandma for trying to help her, etc, although now in retrospect I wonder if it's just because she was believing what grandma was telling her.  In the end, my step-mother-in-law intervened and managed to get her paneled, and she was eventually put in a nursing home after years of living in an awful situation/house, especially after grandpa died, in part because she had pushed everyone away and she didn't allow anyone to help her.

I'm mentioning this because some of what you say remind me very much of that situation and her patterns of behaviour. There truly was a delusional aspect to it that continued even after she went to the home, but at least there we were secure in the knowledge that she was physically safe, fed, had clean clothing, etc. Some of the children and grandchildren/great-grandchildren came to visit her there, but some did not. Several of her own children did not come to the funeral, which breaks my heart.

I think you do need to get out. There's no question there, and even if you didn't have someone to build a new life with I would still say leave. She is in her 70s, so she is old enough to get CPP and OAS if she needs for income - not a glamourous life but enough for her to live simply on her own. She is also old enough to be paneled if you're concerned that she can't take care of herself.  Some of what she does is the choices she makes, but some will be due to her mental status.
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#24
(07-21-2016, 03:41 PM)In His Love Wrote: I'm concerned how she's going to react when I get there, especially since she's the one who's giving me a ride. I don't know how she'll respond once I get there and it really hits her that I'm not coming back to Canada, because I think she has it in her head that I'm going back with her, which I've already said I'm not going to do.

Could I please get some more advice on this? I've tried being soft-spoken and polite. I've tried being assertive and telling her, straight to the point, that I'm not putting up with a bad attitude. Neither end well or stay well for long.

If at all possible, find a different way to get a ride to that halfway point. When the day comes, pack your stuff and go, saying, "I love you, goodbye" as you're walking out the door. Don't talk about your leaving beforehand. She obviously already knows, resents it, and no good can come from talking about it. Don't bother with the round trick ticket for her. Just GO.

Once you're gone, call her periodically to see how she is. Send her birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas, and Easter cards. Write occasional letters to keep her apprised and make sure she has things she needs. Send her little gifts when you can. Love her -- from a distance. Keep your boundaries strong. Know that you can only do what you've done, that she has mental/spiritual problem(s) and there's nothing you can do about any of that but to make sure her physical needs are met, let her know that you love her, and pray for her.  Don't not be a Christian toward her ever, but don't look back. Don't cave. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated. Don't get sucked into her disease. Don't let her destroy your new life and your happiness. Don't feel guilty for saving yourself and making a life for yourself.
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#25
Thank you both for your advice. I really appreciate it. Smile
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