My fiancé keeps postponing our wedding....

I am going to talk to my priest about this matter, but I also wanted to mention it here. 

I am currently engaged to a good Catholic man I have known since I was 16. He moved from the East Coast to the Midwest and left his entire family behind to be with me. We became engaged in July of last year and planned our wedding for this past June, but I (very reluctantly) postponed it because he said he was not ready yet. He has been struggling in a very difficult job and is trying to decide to stick it out or quit. We both work in the same city and we currently live together with his brother in separate bedrooms (if I were to live with my parents, I would have to commute 2 hours to work every day in winter weather, which is impractical if not dangerous). Even with his brother there it is hard to stay chaste, and we have fallen into sin many times. We have not had sex but we still fall into mortal sin on an almost weekly basis, which causes me great distress (if we were married, of course, the things we are doing would not be sinful). 

I agreed to move our wedding date from June 2017 to June 2018. I reserved the church, bought my dress, and we attended pre-cana classes together. However, yesterday he informed me that he is still not ready and doesn't want to get married this June, but instead wants to postpone it even further to an unforeseen date. He says he is afraid that we will have kids right away and that he doesn't feel like he can support a family in his current job. He also says that he wants to go back to school (he only has a GED, whereas I am fortunate enough to have a BA) and doesn't think he'll be able to go to school and work to provide for a family at the same time. I have tried to assure him that I know NFP well and that I will be very careful about when we have sex so we can plan our family, but that doesn't seem to reassure him. I can understand my fiance's hesitations--he wants to be a good father and a good provider and he doesn't feel confident that he can do that yet. Perhaps this is a legitimate motive for postponing our wedding, or perhaps it's just an excuse for him not to commit? 

Naturally, I am very distressed about this turn of events.  I am, for lack of a better word, very anxious--almost desperate--to get married, and very tired of falling into sin over and over again via actions that would not be sinful if we were married. However, I know that I cannot force him to marry me by saying "If you don't marry me this June then I am leaving for good." He must enter into this marriage with his own free will. 

 I feel I must add that I am a very shy and sensitive girl whose heart is broken easily. This is the first and only man I have ever dated, and when I decided to start dating him, I spent a long time praying and asking God to make it very clear to me that this was the man He wanted me to marry. I begged God to not allow me to date this man if it was all going to be for naught, because I knew that if I decided to date him and then we broke up, I would never recover. I know that sounds rather dramatic and extreme--breakups don't kill anyone--but I have made a point of trusting God throughout this whole relationship, and when times have gotten tough and I've thought of breaking up, God has always come through for me and showed me yet again that He wants me to marry this man. So I am very confused and wondering if God was leading me on the wrong path this whole time, or if I was so blinded by the moment that I thought I was following God's will when I really wasn't. Regardless, the bottom line is that I cannot force this man to marry me and I really don't want to wait another 3-4 years of engagement. I also don't want to live with him anymore if we are not married, so if he doesn't change his mind, I will have to move out. 

One more thing I must say. My fiance is a very good, patient, and gentle man who loves God very much. We go to Mass and confession all the time, and he takes his faith seriously. I am afraid that if we broke up, I would never find a man like him ever again. Nearly all of my friends are single and complain to me daily that there are no good men out there. I am 24 and I am terrified of the whole dating scene--I have no idea how I would meet anyone else. I know that sounds like a terrible excuse, but I think in this day and age when there is such a shortage of good men, it is a legitimate issue. So I don't know if I should just move out and wait, or call all of this off, which would be so painful for both of us. 

I know that most of you will probably tell me to dump him. I have laid out this situation to the best of my ability, and I am hoping, perhaps vainly, that some of you will tell me that this can be saved somehow. Please be gentle. Thank you. 

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.

I'm federal agent Jack Bauer. This is the longest day of my life. 

A man's opinion. My first reaction was that you should kick him to the kerb and move on, but, upon reflection, I think you should move out and wait whilst praying about it. However, make it clear to him that if, by the grace of God, you were to meet a good Catholic man who was actually willing to get married, then he's had his chance.
Jovan-Marya of the Immaculate Conception Weismiller, T.O.Carm.

Vive le Christ-roi! Vive le roi, Louis XX!
Deum timete, regem honorificate.
Kansan by birth! Albertan by choice! Jayhawk by the Grace of God!
  “Qui me amat, amet et canem meum. (Who loves me will love my dog also.)” 
St Bernard of Clairvaux

My Blog 'Musings of an Old Curmudgeon'

A woman's opinion: you need to move out.  Right now, he is taking your relationship for granted and is used to spending spare time with you easily.  This means that you are both falling into sin and he doesn't see a reason to marry until he's got everything "perfect" (which may never happen).   Jovan is right: let him know that you are not breaking up but that you need a commitment that he needs to either give wholeheartedly or you need to move on and allow yourself the opportunity to see other men.  Even if you decide to marry next summer, move out.  Stop the cycle of sin and control the intimacy he has with you - until the wedding.  This gives you both more to look forward to.
My ipad keyboard hates me.  Please forgive the typos; they are unintentional.
[-] The following 1 user Likes Fontevrault's post:
  • jovan66102
What they both said. ^

Also, consider reassuring him about NFP, and how it's morally permissible to space children. You mentioned his desire to better himself via higher education; that's a good sign. A lot of degrees can be earned online. I'm currently pursuing a degree via that route.
-sent by howitzer via the breech.

God's love is manifest in the landscape as in a face.  - John Muir

I want creation to penetrate you with so much admiration that wherever you go, the least plant may bring you clear remembrance of the Creator.  A single plant, a blade of grass, or one speck of dust is sufficient to occupy all your intelligence in beholding the art with which it has been made  - Saint Basil
If you are interested in the perspective of an overworked catholic man who has been perpetually afraid of life's circumstances at all times just as your beau is;   

If everyone waited until we were rich enough or stable enough to marry, only the 1% would be getting married.   The epistle and gospel from this past Sundays mass is for both of you!!!

14th Sunday after Pentecost

The message for him is simple...  Behold the birds of the air, neither do they sow nor do they reap, nor gather into barns, and your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not of much more value than they? 

Long story short: As the gradual says,  Catholic marriage is synonymous with prayer life and faith in god.  It stands in contradiction to all of our fears, but If you have this you will get by, because you can count on nothing else. Marriage is hard - the gainfully employed are not without problems.  

Ironically enough, the epistle is applicable to your message also. Some mistakes you never get the opportunity to correct.. But you know this already.
"Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?" On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."  Matthew 9:10-14
I can see how painful this is for you. I'm so sorry for that. You should move out. Move back to your parent's house perhaps, even if it means you need to find a new job. If your guy is really feeling like he can't get married right now, then you can't fix the situation. Cut him loose. Give God a little time to sort things out.

Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)