Starting RCIA Thursday
(03-31-2018, 10:15 PM)IntoTheMystic Wrote: Boom. Catholic! <3 Thank you, Jovan, and everyone for your heartfelt prayers. I know they have helped! <3

Laus Deo!

Christ is Risen! 
He is Risen Indeed!
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Christ is risen from the dead,
Trampling down death by death,

And upon those in the tombs
Bestowing life!

Happy Easter, or as we say in Serbian, Христос воскресе! Ваистину воскресе!
Jovan-Marya of the Immaculate Conception Weismiller, T.O.Carm.

Vive le Christ-roi! Vive le roi, Louis XX!
Deum timete, regem honorificate.
Kansan by birth! Albertan by choice! Jayhawk by the Grace of God!
  “Qui me amat, amet et canem meum. (Who loves me will love my dog also.)” 
St Bernard of Clairvaux

My Blog 'Musings of an Old Curmudgeon'

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  • IntoTheMystic
Just some random sharing - I figured I'd post to this thread as to keep all my rambling in one place; and since I'm always in need of prayers - I am weak and so they are always welcome - it seemed fitting to just continue this thread. If this method is discouraged I will gladly make a thread elsewhere :) No worries. [ Oh and as a quick read through before posting note: I am not mentally unstable. I have gone to a few doctors in the past because of depression etc and they have never diagnosed me with anything except seasonal depression. I mention this because I now realize how weird this post may sound ] 

I can say beyond a doubt that I have not had a single religious experience in my life until today during private Holy Hour in the church. All else prior was just in my head. What I felt today was unlike anything I have ever imagined possible.

I managed to arrive at the perfect time, and nobody was there (not even Father as he was away visiting family). I’ve been keeping my Holy Hour daily for a few weeks now (ever since Father recommended I start doing so), but today's was far different. I was in the middle of my hour for the Little Office (my priest asked me to start doing it a few months ago for which I am very thankful) when I just broke down and started sobbing (side note: the Little Office has been life-changing. Other than daily Mass and the rosary I find it the devotions to which I look forward to upon waking and the one I approach with the most joy).

I have longed for the Grace of tears since I first read St. Therese's account of her experience in her Story of a Soul which I read after St. de Montfort's "True Devotion to Mary" (a few months before I started this thread so I've longed for this almost a year now); however, after trying to bring them about by my own will and failing I was resigned to accepting a life of dull prayer. I figured perhaps I was not intended to have these experiences. I was very concerned when I didn't receive them at Baptism or - and especially more worrisome for me - my first Communion last night as I had hoped. I almost felt as if I should stop because of it, but Father talked to me after Mass and instructed me firmly to continue with my devotions without any interruptions. I have learned to just listen to him even if I don't feel like doing something. He's helped many people join the Church so I'm certain he knows better than I do what one should and should not put their time and effort into. 

I had been told by Father that this would be the first sign that I was doing the right thing in discerning a vocation for religious life, and that he was not surprised that I had not yet experienced it because I was still seeking it on my terms (I wanted to badly to experience such a moving spiritual emotion at my Communion for instance). I am remaining skeptical at the moment about the experience, but when I spoke with him this evening he let me know to continue telling him about this in the future should it occur again (I was shy at first and thought he would think I was deluding myself - this is something I am still considering as a very likely possibility - or that I would need some sort of medical evaluation).

Anyway, when I pray the Little Office - especially in the church - I like to stop between Psalms and reflect on their meaning. Today, my heart felt as if it had become intimately connected with our Blessed Lady and I began to cry because I could only think of what it must have been like for her to experience and watch her son being tortured, humiliated, and crucified. I then began to think about how terrible it is that she must still watch Him suffer when any of us commits a sin against Him. I thought of all the pain I had caused Him through my life, and how unworthy I was to have been brought into His Church. However, He did indeed guide me and I can not continue to hurt Him considering the great mercy He has already shown someone as worthless as myself.

I have, in the past, though I had indeed received spiritual experiences. However, anything experienced previously was all in my head. All of it was either deception by the devil - which this may very well still be I imagine so I am cautious - of my own ego trying to feel as if I had accomplished something through my own efforts.  Absolutely nothing compares to today. It was like a 14 hour acid trip condensed in one hour but without anxiety, nausea, or wandering thoughts (I haven't used LSD in over a decade- and have no intention of ever doing so again - so no worries LOL but it's the only thing to which I can compare today's experience). I absolutely lost myself - I hadn't noticed my Holy Hour had become a Holy and a Half Hour. I thanked God - because if it was an experience it was only by His grace - composed myself, and finished my hour. Then headed home. I felt spacey for a while afterwards, and only began to feel better an hour or so before I called Father to see if I could come in and talk with him (I just got back an hour or so ago, and I'm so thankful for him being so generous with his time. Talking with him eased a lot of my worries). 

I can only say: Incredible. Baptism and Confirmation work. Communion Works, and by this I fully 100% am certain all the other Sacraments as well. I believed prior to today. After today I have faith (if that makes any sense. To me that seems like an important distinction but I'm not quite sure why). Of course, I had no religious experiences prior. I had not received the Holy Spirit. My faith in our Sacraments was confirmed for me today - in that, now after Baptism and Confirmation God may begin to guide my journey in ways I had never imagined. He has, certainly, been guiding me this entire time - my entire life; however, today just felt so astoundingly different. I am so thankful to have experienced this so soon. I know it will give me the strength to continue forward especially when things get dry as Father - and many books - have warned me should God continue to guide me in this fashion. 

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Our Lady of Mt. Carmel. Thank you St. Teresa of Jesus (Avila, my patron). Thank you all on this forum who have prayed for me. I am so very thankful to be a member of His Holy Church. My life will never be the same. Pray for my spiritual director that he can continue to guide me and help me to understand the ways God communicates His Will to me so that I never again walk away from His calling me. Also, please pray for me so that should He call me to the religious life I have the strength and courage to - like our Blessed Mother who said yes to God without knowing how painful of a life she and her son would lead while we, to some degree, know what we can expect in following His Will for us - say yes to God.

If you read this far, thank you. I know I have a habit of rambling in text - in person you would be hard pressed to get a single world out of me LOL
I am in the process of discerning my vocation with the help of my priest. If you would like to read my thoughts as I progress through this process of discernment feel free to visit my blog:
I started the St. de Montfort consecration preparation today with my priest. He said to expect it to take a bit longer, but that he would let me know when it was time to move on to the next phase. I figure it'll be quite a bit more than the suggested 12 weeks, but that's okay. I'd like to make sure I am well prepared for that big decision. After that, it's the Brown Scapular as he highly recommends that for me and my disposition. I'm starting to read about that this week as well :)

[ sorry; didn't want to edit the above post ]
I am in the process of discerning my vocation with the help of my priest. If you would like to read my thoughts as I progress through this process of discernment feel free to visit my blog:

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