It's so hard to pray

[SacraCor714]

I'm having a really hard time praying right now in the midst of all this s**t that's been going on in my life. In fact, I feel like I've had nothing but bad luck for the last 10 years. I wonder if somebody put a curse on me.

Allow me to rant and whine. It feels so good.

In 9th grade I went to a private "Catholic" school because I was tired of being homeschooled. I lasted one semester. I was bullied, ignored, and emotionally abused. I spent the rest of my high school years recovering from that.

Everybody told me that college would be better. It wasn't. I barely graduated with a worthless degree and a lot less money. I'm not using my degree now and never will. I never had a single date in college and spent every weekend alone.

Right after college, my now-ex fiance moved to my home state to be with me. I graduated college early so I could help him find a job and a place to live. I found a very nice office job for myself and moved into a communal women's Catholic house. Three months later, I was kicked out of the house because I was suffering from mental problems. I had to move into my fiance's apartment so I could still work at my job. Three months after that, I was unexpectedly fired.

I found another job at a tiny, family-owned Catholic bookstore. Sounds perfect, right? I only lasted there 2 months before I had to leave because the owners were lunatics. That store is closed now and I think the owner killed himself.

I found another nice office job after that with an engineering company. I was determined to do well in this job and not make the same old mistakes. The fired me without explanation after 6 weeks. That was in September of 2017.

Now the man I've loved since I was 16 is leaving me. I had to call all of my family members and writhe under their pity as I told them the wedding was off. The invitations I sent out were really pretty. My wedding dress is exactly what I wanted. The apartment I hoped to share with him was cute and cozy. All of that is gone now.

Rant over.

The point is, I'm having a really hard time praying through all of this. I can't understand how we are supposed to just suck it up and endure the atrocious suffering that God sends our way because we're assured that it's "good" for us. How can this possibly be good for me. I literally want to die. It hurts to breathe. This is like a sadistic father brutally beating his young son with a belt and reassuring the sobbing, bleeding child that the beating was good for him and he'll thank his father for it someday. What kind of God is this?

I've never really had much of a prayer life anyway, I suppose. I like going to Adoration, but I don't go to Daily Mass much because I'm always in a state of mortal sin. And when I'm teetering on the brink of hell, it doesn't matter how many prayers I say: they do no good. I'm cut off from God's grace so I may as well just not say anything to Him.

Everybody tells me the same thing: keep trying, this too shall pass, you'll find somebody else, keep persevering in prayer like the saints did. I'm no saint. I am a very little and weak soul and I can't understand why God let this happen to me.

[havok579257]

One thing I will add is you can always go to mass even if you are in mortal sin. You can't receive communion but you can go and be with God

[GangGreen]

I can't really provide much comfort. 

The best I can say is to learn to pray the Rosary every day, it's a start, but a pain to develop the habit. Even if you fall into sin, just pray the Rosary anyway. If you stop praying once you fall into sin, you'll just break any good habits you're developing and have to start over. You need to replace bad habits with good habits. Even if the Rosary is the one and only block of time you spend in prayer throughout the day, it's something. Also, whenever you feel temptation, maybe try to say stuff like "I will not sin" and "I will not betray God" repeatedly. It may help in that you're actively telling yourself that what you're about to do is not only a sin, but a betrayal of God. You're also trying to force your will into a hard command of saying I will not do this. Not, I will try, but I will not, period. It may have a little more weight to it. Then if you can get your mind away from those thoughts a bit, pray for deliverance from the temptations and all that. Certainly something to try. Other than that, when we all suffer just have to always say "Thy will be done" there's nothing else we can do, certainly not easy when we have a flood of negative emotions about the things that are going on in our lives.

On another note, you seem to have issues with self confidence. I'm certainly not versed in how to increase that, but it should be something that you look into. Get into a good fitness regimen, find some positive hobbies, do things that will make you feel good about yourself.

[IntoTheMystic]

If you can try to get to daily Mass. It can take a whole heap of self-discipline to do it, but if you go every day I'm certain you'll notice a difference. Also what has helped me through my civil divorce is diligently keeping a private Holy Hour at the church. It gets me out of my house where I just sit alone and read all day, and it forces me to spend at least an hour with our Lord without distractions. That is key for me, and perhaps it could help you too. Even on days when I'm feeling super duper mopey because of the life changes I can't help but feel better after spending some time in the church in quiet mental prayer.

Also, perhaps consider picking up the Little Office as a daily practice? I know for me personally, it has brought about a profound change in the way I deal with sufferings and hardships. Our Blessed Mother said yes to God without knowing what was in store for Her, yet we fear to say yes to God when we - more or less - know what to expect from our choices. She went through so much pain and suffering while being the Mother of our Lord that it makes me feel shameful when I complain about mine. What is my suffering compared to Hers? Join your heart with Her heart and offer up the suffering. It seems so unrealistically possible, and probably for the first few weeks it will be, but keep at it.

I always thought life would get better because of things I could do for myself as well (just like you I went to university, got a job, 'married' a man who left me when I found God) etc. It took me until three weeks ago to realize that the reason I was in so much pain was that I was trying to rely on myself, and not upon God. This terrible heartbreak I experienced from my civil divorce was eased when I put it into perspective: perhaps this was to teach me that I NEED only God in my life and that I was causing Jesus harm by thinking I could do it all on my own. Take tragedy as an opportunity to give yourself totally up to Him and let Him guide your life. Sometimes these miserable life occurrences turn into the most beautiful of spiritual lessons.

I feel like I'm rambling...and perhaps not being helpful (?). Anyway, I will continue to pray for you. My heart just aches for the pain you must be experiencing. I wish I lived closer. You could use a girls day out with coffee I imagine. <3 Hang in there.

[Sacred Heart lover]

I'm no saint. I am a very little and weak soul and I can't understand why God let this happen to me.

That right there is your prayer right now, and I'm right there with you, Honey.

I say the same thing over and over.

Some days I can't even say my rosary and I feel so guilty.  All I can do is offer up my suffering.

Sometimes I hear Mary ask me to just listen to my rosary. 



Some days I don't even manage that. :/

Well, we Fishies will say prayers to supplement for you right now. ;)

In any case, life is just so much harder than any of us imagined growing up.

We didn't expect it to be this hard and this painful!

I too feel cursed and the subject of inexplicable disaster for most of my life.

I can't breathe the pain is so bad sometimes, and I feel like I could just die from a broken heart. :(

All I know, and I know this from plenty of practice now, is that when I force myself to say, "I don't understand, but thank you for this suffering.  Thy will be done.  Jesus I trust in you.  It's God's will," over and over the pain lessens just a little.  I'm not fighting, I'm accepting.

Everyone expects to fall in love and get married.  That's the only way to be happy right?

Especially when everyone on TV and Facebook, etc. seem to be having the time of their lives. (:P It's all lies!)

 Well, mostly.  Some marriages are happy, but I don't believe it's the norm, to be honest.  If it's not a break up it will be cancer or the death of a child or an affair or bankruptcy or some other cross but the cross is inevitable no matter what and I've seen my friends go through it as well.

Plus, I can honestly tell you that a miserable marriage is more lonely than the single life and much worse when children are involved.

As for the constant struggle with sin, that is also such a source of shame and suffering. Yet St. Paul described a constant thorn in his flesh. 

 I can only imagine if we didn't struggle with sin and were living a life of sanctity while our friends and family were all "living in sin".  How prideful would we be?  Well, I know the answer for me anyway. :/

So when I have struggled with sins that seemed impossible to overcome I cried out, "Lord, I won't give up if you won't!"  And I consoled myself in the understanding that this was keeping me humble and totally dependent on God.

That's where He has you right now.  Totally humbled.  Totally dependent.  (Not at all like your "self-sufficient friends".)

True love is tested.  God is testing your love and trust in Him right now.  Will you prevail?

Well, take it one day at a time and don't look down the road for a while.  Maybe one hour at a time or even one minute if necessary for a while.

It's a way of accepting reality because when we fight with reality it hurts.  When we accept it and place ourselves in His hands we can at least get through it, bit by bit.  

At least our God doesn't ask us to go through anything worse than He chose to go through for us!  

Here is a good video to watch every day for 9 days.  It's only 11 minutes.  

Jesus even allowed his own mother to suffer worse than we can imagine.  Do we deserve better?



We feel in this country that we are owed a Disney princess romance and marriage, healthy children, a nice home with the picket fence and at least 80 years of good health before we die.  Is that realistic?  

What if we were grateful we lived to see 30?  What if we didn't expect to ever get married or have kids or own a home. We could hope, but like a child in a third world country we could decide to be grateful for the roof over our head each night, a bowl of rice, and that we didn't have to turn trix to get it.

What if we were surprised and overwhelmed by every little break that came our way?

If we lower our expectations we increase our level of contentment and gratitude. 

I find schadenfreude is good therapy.  We have such unbelievably impossible expectations for "quality of life" in our country.  We don't need to feel guilty about feeling sad or depressed sometimes, so please don't think I'm saying that, but gratitude is such a powerful antidote.

I always try to consider those who have it worse.  Perhaps you can offer up some of your suffering for sex traffickers who will never feel love in their lives, that someone will show them kindness or they might escape. Watch some videos about their lives and think about their hopes and dreams. 

Offer some of the shameful feelings and suffering you endure for those who are trapped in the web of child porn or pedophilia.  How hopeless that must seem!  Thank God for protecting you from such evil!  Imagine how easy it is for the poor sinner to sink deeper and deeper without recourse to the grace of the Sacraments. How blessed we are to have access to our priests!

I cling to Catholicism in times of distress because it offers the only meaningful answer to the inevitable suffering of all humanity.  Christ our Lord can commiserate and console because He has been there and we can unite our suffering to His.  It actually gives it meaning, dignity and purpose.  

Plus, I'm so grateful to know that this isn't our home!  We are only visitors here. ;)

Here are a few videos that I watch once a year to help me be grateful for every little thing I have:  clean water, toilet paper, clean sheets, a nice view out my window, no bombs going off on my street strewing the limbs of children about, no stench from piles of garbage out my window, a delicious meal or treat, my sweet and silly dogs, a good smelling soap, a kind friend.  RELISH those things right now and thank the Good Lord for them.

So get a blanket and some popcorn and some kleenex and enjoy a few movies to help you process the emotions you are feeling and give you a different perspective on life:



A good Twighlight Zone Episode about what life without suffering would be like:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5rol6l

[FultonFan]

SacraCor -- Have you ever considered speaking with a traditional Catholic psychotherapist?

[SEDLIBERANOSAMALO]

Maybe there is some diabolical oppression in your life . . .have you ever played with a Ouija board or seen a psychic? Was anyone in your family a freemason? Many things can open up portals of evil.

There are some Catholic deliverance prayers that the laity can use . . .I would start there. Attending Mass, going to Confession and Adoration, and praying the rosary are also effective tools to drive out evil. Listen to Gregorian chant too.

Will keep you in my prayers!

[JacafamalaRedux]

Sacra Cor, please know you're in my thoughts and prayers. We are here for you, your little online community and we want to give you hope and to comfort you. 

God does hear your prayers when you ask Him for graces to stay out of sin and carry on. He loves you so very, very much and He hasn't left you, He never will leave you. You're NOT without resources in the sacraments. Keep the faith and please, please don't despair!

[angeltime]

I'm having a really hard time praying right now in the midst of all this s**t that's been going on in my life. In fact, I feel like I've had nothing but bad luck for the last 10 years. I wonder if somebody put a curse on me.

Allow me to rant and whine. It feels so good.

In 9th grade I went to a private "Catholic" school because I was tired of being homeschooled. I lasted one semester. I was bullied, ignored, and emotionally abused. I spent the rest of my high school years recovering from that.

Everybody told me that college would be better. It wasn't. I barely graduated with a worthless degree and a lot less money. I'm not using my degree now and never will. I never had a single date in college and spent every weekend alone.

Right after college, my now-ex fiance moved to my home state to be with me. I graduated college early so I could help him find a job and a place to live. I found a very nice office job for myself and moved into a communal women's Catholic house. Three months later, I was kicked out of the house because I was suffering from mental problems. I had to move into my fiance's apartment so I could still work at my job. Three months after that, I was unexpectedly fired.

I found another job at a tiny, family-owned Catholic bookstore. Sounds perfect, right? I only lasted there 2 months before I had to leave because the owners were lunatics. That store is closed now and I think the owner killed himself.

I found another nice office job after that with an engineering company. I was determined to do well in this job and not make the same old mistakes. The fired me without explanation after 6 weeks. That was in September of 2017.

Now the man I've loved since I was 16 is leaving me. I had to call all of my family members and writhe under their pity as I told them the wedding was off. The invitations I sent out were really pretty. My wedding dress is exactly what I wanted. The apartment I hoped to share with him was cute and cozy. All of that is gone now.

Rant over.

The point is, I'm having a really hard time praying through all of this. I can't understand how we are supposed to just suck it up and endure the atrocious suffering that God sends our way because we're assured that it's "good" for us. How can this possibly be good for me. I literally want to die. It hurts to breathe. This is like a sadistic father brutally beating his young son with a belt and reassuring the sobbing, bleeding child that the beating was good for him and he'll thank his father for it someday. What kind of God is this?

I've never really had much of a prayer life anyway, I suppose. I like going to Adoration, but I don't go to Daily Mass much because I'm always in a state of mortal sin. And when I'm teetering on the brink of hell, it doesn't matter how many prayers I say: they do no good. I'm cut off from God's grace so I may as well just not say anything to Him.

Everybody tells me the same thing: keep trying, this too shall pass, you'll find somebody else, keep persevering in prayer like the saints did. I'm no saint. I am a very little and weak soul and I can't understand why God let this happen to me.

Peace....while you continue to attend Mass and Confession, tell God everything you posted here.  It's honest and straight from your heart - a heart which is in pain.  He will take care of you!  God bless, angeltime :heart:

[Catherine]

When the going is so hard that you can scarcely even pray... Your brothers and sisters in Christ (us Fishies!) will be here to pray for you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I pray that God gives you the grace to withstand these trials, and may He open your heart to those graces. May our Blessed Mother wrap you in her mantle and present you to her Son. 

I also second what SacredHeartLover said about miserable marriages, as the child of parents who have been divorced and remarried multiple times. You never know while you are suffering now if God spared you from an even greater agony.

I don't know how much advice I could add to those posting before me, but honestly sounds like you need a hug the most right now, so here is a virtual one to you!