It's so hard to pray
#11
In regard to your comment about always being in mortal sin: I've seen posts you've made in the past that address issues surrounding repeatedly falling into sins such as masturbation.  I thought your comments were very insightful and clear-headed.  It sounds like you are now no longer taking your own advice on this topic.  Maybe you should go back and read some of those posts.

You mentioned suffering from some mental problems.  Are those issues still present?  While these things are sometimes transient, we can often learn to live with them and get used to them, and that can have a very deleterious effect over the long term.  I would echo the recommendation to visit a therapist of some kind if it is financially feasible.  There are lots of little things you can do to stabilize yourself mentally too.  Because you sound quite depressed, I hate to say "eat well and exercise" but you really really should.  It's a vicious cycle when you're feeling too down and unmotivated, and that sedentary lifestyle compounds the problem.  Make yourself do 30 minutes of cardio several times a week.  Try the Couch to 5K program (https://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/c25k/Pages/c...-plan.aspx); it's the best way to push yourself to exercise efficiently without burning yourself out.  Especially given your current mental state.  Go to the store and buy yourself a store-brand multivitamin and take it everyday in the morning.  Cut down on simple sugars where you can to avoid crashes and depression.  

As cliche as it may sound, consider your strengths.  You've been able to find a number of jobs over time, indicating you have a level of social and professional competence that other people struggle with immensely.  You had a guy move across state lines to be with you.  Although you made reference to your loneliness, you've still found love in your life and had a breadth of experience that should, if nothing else, serve as proof that finding companionship is not out of reach.  Avoid generalizing too much from the pain you feel now.  Use the Easter season to pray for a sort of resurrection in your own life.   Don't be afraid to spend some time just distracting yourself (as long as you're also exercising and taking care of yourself).  Do you want some anime or video game recommendations?
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#12
Many times when God wants us to grow in holiness he will withhold the consolations he might give to other people. That is because he wants you to give of your self. Remember, we worship the God of consolations, Not the consolations of God.
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#13
Thank you, all, for your comfort and offering up your prayers on my behalf when I am too broken to do so myself.

I have never gotten involved in anything occult, but I did discover masturbation when I was a child and I have been struggling with it ever since, as most of you on here know. So perhaps that was the door through which Satan entered my life and has been giving me one bad stroke of luck after another.

I have gone to therapy; spent thousands on it, actually. It helped a little but still didn't cure me, and now that I don't have any health insurance it's gotten to be too expensive.

(I was supposed to be on my fiance's health insurance once we were married, but now that that's been shot to hell and my dad is retiring, I will have no health insurance and may have to sign up for Obamacare.)
St. Joseph, Terror of Demons, Pillar of Families, Glory of Domestic Life, Pray for Us!

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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#14
Consistent prayer is hard to sustain in the best of times so don't be too hard on yourself. Often  things fall apart around us our formal prayers become one of the first casualties. Just do what you can,no more,no less. 

Sometimes for me the breviary comes alive and i can go weeks praying most of the hours with consistency,at other times I'm lucky if i pray one nocturn of Matins and Vespers if I'm lucky,and when i do it is sheer boredom and dryness. Ive had to just stick it out.
Walk before God in simplicity, and not in subtleties of the mind. Simplicity brings faith; but subtle and intricate speculations bring conceit; and conceit brings withdrawal from God. -Saint Isaac of Syria, Directions on Spiritual Training


"It is impossible in human terms to exaggerate the importance of being in a church or chapel before the Blessed Sacrament as often and for as long as our duties and state of life allow. I very seldom repeat what I say. Let me repeat this sentence. It is impossible in human language to exaggerate the importance of being in a chapel or church before the Blessed Sacrament as often and for as long as our duties and state of life allow. That sentence is the talisman of the highest sanctity. "Father John Hardon
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#15
Maybe a priest could also say some deliverance prayers over you . . . there may be something generational going on. Are you first born?

Also, I recommend that you have some Masses said not only for yourself, but for your ancestors, specifically for the reparation of sin.
I ask Jesus to cover me and my family in His most Precious Blood against any and all incursions of the evil one, in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost.  Amen.
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