Catholic wedding not in church, what to do?
#1
I am looking for some advice.  Last night the wife and I were talking about family and eventual weddings and what to do.  My family is Catholic but I am the only practicing one.  Eventually my brothers will get married probably and they will not get married in the church.  What should we do?  If we don't go we will effectively be ending our and our kids relationship with my brothers, their kids, their future spouses, my sister and her kids and her husband and my parents .  I mean our faith has already caused strain with our family and us.  So not going will cause our relationship to more than likely end.  So what should we do.  Can we attend or not?  I know not being I the wedding.  Not being in the wedding would cause strain but not break off the relationship like not going would.  So we would never be part of it but what about attending?
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#2
If they are Catholic they must (by present Canon Law, as amended by Pope Benedict in 2009) be married before an official deputed (i.e. delegated) witness, or be granted dispensation from their bishop for this requirement (dispensation from Canonical Form).

This is required for the validity of their marriage. That means, if they do not do this they are not married.

Once a Catholic, always a Catholic, which means that no matter if they do not practice, or if they've left for some other sect or religion, they are bound by that law. They cannot married validly "outside of the Church". That does not mean not in a church building, but a ceremony which is not officially witnessed or permitted by the Catholic Church.

You cannot go to or tolerate attendance at a ceremony you and they know to be invalid. It is no different if they person is going into a second adulterous "marriage" or if they are going into a state of fornication.  Such would be a grave sin of scandal and contrary to Charity (you would be encouraging them in their sin by your attendance).

The only case I could think of where that might be possible is when there is truly no scandal : the person who was possibly baptized when an infant, but never raised as a Catholic, does not know whether they are Catholic, and wants to marry in a civil or other religious ceremony. Because of the doubt, and because we do not have the obligation to investigate this for them, we could possibly attend, since there is no certain sin of scandal.

When that time comes, however, or even before hand, you could casually remind you family members of their duty to see that the necessities for a valid marriage are taken care of. It is possible that with such a gentle reminder, they might see it as, at least, important to you.
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#3
my extended family has not been to mass in I don't know how long. They don't go or practice the faith. Just talking about getting one of my brothers baptized caused issues between us. I don't even bring it up anymore. I figured your answer was right I was just hoping it wasn't the only option since it means my children will lose contact with my extended family, their grandparents, uncles, aunts and so on and my family will no longer speak to me.
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#4
(04-08-2018, 05:20 PM)havok579257 Wrote: my extended family has not been to mass in I don't know how long.  They don't go or practice the faith.  Just talking about getting one of my brothers baptized caused issues between us.  I don't even bring it up anymore.    I figured your answer was right I was just hoping it wasn't the only option since it means my children will lose contact with my extended family, their grandparents, uncles, aunts and so on and my family will no longer speak to me.

How about you write them a nice email or text with a link to this thread?  Tell your brother that you love him, and that you want his life to be filled with happiness.  Also tell him that you have a sense of duty to him, and that it's the best thing for him to marry in the Church, or AT LEAST get dispensed.
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#5
(04-08-2018, 05:52 PM)FultonFan Wrote:
(04-08-2018, 05:20 PM)havok579257 Wrote: my extended family has not been to mass in I don't know how long.  They don't go or practice the faith.  Just talking about getting one of my brothers baptized caused issues between us.  I don't even bring it up anymore.    I figured your answer was right I was just hoping it wasn't the only option since it means my children will lose contact with my extended family, their grandparents, uncles, aunts and so on and my family will no longer speak to me.

How about you write them a nice email or text with a link to this thread?  Tell your brother that you love him, and that you want his life to be filled with happiness.  Also tell him that you have a sense of duty to him, and that it's the best thing for him to marry in the Church, or AT LEAST get dispensed.

but they won't marry him when he doesn't go to mass, doesn't get his kids baptized, won't even attend mass with me and doesn't practice the faith.  One of my brothers went to church when he was a kid because my parents brought him.  Although he hasn't been since then.  My parents don't practice.  My sister and other brother don't practice.  They aren't hostile toward use because of our faith or they are ok with us telling my parents about things our kids do related to church but that have no interest in church.  If I send him this page it will cause issues.  I have brought up getting his kids baptized and that caused issues.  I brought up going to mass with us but that's a no go.  

It just stinks because if they ever get married, when we can't go my wife, kids and I will lose our relationship with my parents, brothers and sister and their family.  My family is the family who thinks family comes above all else.  You do whatever for family.  For them, they would think I am being unreasonable for not doing this one thing for the family.  That I can't make this one concession.  They don't understand how important faith is to me and my family.  I just hate knowing some time down the line my kids will lose access to their grandparents and aunts and uncles and me to my parents and siblings.
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#6
(04-08-2018, 06:36 PM)havok579257 Wrote:
(04-08-2018, 05:52 PM)FultonFan Wrote:
(04-08-2018, 05:20 PM)havok579257 Wrote: my extended family has not been to mass in I don't know how long.  They don't go or practice the faith.  Just talking about getting one of my brothers baptized caused issues between us.  I don't even bring it up anymore.    I figured your answer was right I was just hoping it wasn't the only option since it means my children will lose contact with my extended family, their grandparents, uncles, aunts and so on and my family will no longer speak to me.

How about you write them a nice email or text with a link to this thread?  Tell your brother that you love him, and that you want his life to be filled with happiness.  Also tell him that you have a sense of duty to him, and that it's the best thing for him to marry in the Church, or AT LEAST get dispensed.

but they won't marry him when he doesn't go to mass, doesn't get his kids baptized, won't even attend mass with me and doesn't practice the faith.  One of my brothers went to church when he was a kid because my parents brought him.  Although he hasn't been since then.  My parents don't practice.  My sister and other brother don't practice.  They aren't hostile toward use because of our faith or they are ok with us telling my parents about things our kids do related to church but that have no interest in church.  If I send him this page it will cause issues.  I have brought up getting his kids baptized and that caused issues.  I brought up going to mass with us but that's a no go.  

It just stinks because if they ever get married, when we can't go my wife, kids and I will lose our relationship with my parents, brothers and sister and their family.  My family is the family who thinks family comes above all else.  You do whatever for family.  For them, they would think I am being unreasonable for not doing this one thing for the family.  That I can't make this one concession.  They don't understand how important faith is to me and my family.  I just hate knowing some time down the line my kids will lose access to their grandparents and aunts and uncles and me to my parents and siblings.

Who won't marry him??  The Church?? 
I'm pretty sure they will.  The situation you're describing isn't that unusual.
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#7
(04-08-2018, 08:02 PM)FultonFan Wrote:
(04-08-2018, 06:36 PM)havok579257 Wrote:
(04-08-2018, 05:52 PM)FultonFan Wrote:
(04-08-2018, 05:20 PM)havok579257 Wrote: my extended family has not been to mass in I don't know how long.  They don't go or practice the faith.  Just talking about getting one of my brothers baptized caused issues between us.  I don't even bring it up anymore.    I figured your answer was right I was just hoping it wasn't the only option since it means my children will lose contact with my extended family, their grandparents, uncles, aunts and so on and my family will no longer speak to me.

How about you write them a nice email or text with a link to this thread?  Tell your brother that you love him, and that you want his life to be filled with happiness.  Also tell him that you have a sense of duty to him, and that it's the best thing for him to marry in the Church, or AT LEAST get dispensed.

but they won't marry him when he doesn't go to mass, doesn't get his kids baptized, won't even attend mass with me and doesn't practice the faith.  One of my brothers went to church when he was a kid because my parents brought him.  Although he hasn't been since then.  My parents don't practice.  My sister and other brother don't practice.  They aren't hostile toward use because of our faith or they are ok with us telling my parents about things our kids do related to church but that have no interest in church.  If I send him this page it will cause issues.  I have brought up getting his kids baptized and that caused issues.  I brought up going to mass with us but that's a no go.  

It just stinks because if they ever get married, when we can't go my wife, kids and I will lose our relationship with my parents, brothers and sister and their family.  My family is the family who thinks family comes above all else.  You do whatever for family.  For them, they would think I am being unreasonable for not doing this one thing for the family.  That I can't make this one concession.  They don't understand how important faith is to me and my family.  I just hate knowing some time down the line my kids will lose access to their grandparents and aunts and uncles and me to my parents and siblings.

Who won't marry him??  The Church?? 
I'm pretty sure they will.  The situation you're describing isn't that unusual.

So he can get married in the church if he is not a practicing Catholic, has no intention of going to mass, has no intention of living the faith and has no intent to be at the church to get married other than to appease family?  Cause that's exactly what it would be.
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#8
Most people who don't practice their faith won't bother going through the pre Cana process and meeting with a priest. It's not like someone can just get a blessing from the Church with no strings attached.
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#9
(04-08-2018, 03:38 PM)havok579257 Wrote: I am looking for some advice.  Last night the wife and I were talking about family and eventual weddings and what to do.  My family is Catholic but I am the only practicing one.  Eventually my brothers will get married probably and they will not get married in the church.  What should we do?  If we don't go we will effectively be ending our and our kids relationship with my brothers, their kids, their future spouses, my sister and her kids and her husband and my parents .  I mean our faith has already caused strain with our family and us.  So not going will cause our relationship to more than likely end.  So what should we do.  Can we attend or not?  I know not being I the wedding.  Not being in the wedding would cause strain but not break off the relationship like not going would.  So we would never be part of it but what about attending?

If your family members get the appropriate dispensations then why not go?
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#10
(04-08-2018, 08:30 PM)havok579257 Wrote:
(04-08-2018, 08:02 PM)FultonFan Wrote:
(04-08-2018, 06:36 PM)havok579257 Wrote:
(04-08-2018, 05:52 PM)FultonFan Wrote:
(04-08-2018, 05:20 PM)havok579257 Wrote: my extended family has not been to mass in I don't know how long.  They don't go or practice the faith.  Just talking about getting one of my brothers baptized caused issues between us.  I don't even bring it up anymore.    I figured your answer was right I was just hoping it wasn't the only option since it means my children will lose contact with my extended family, their grandparents, uncles, aunts and so on and my family will no longer speak to me.

How about you write them a nice email or text with a link to this thread?  Tell your brother that you love him, and that you want his life to be filled with happiness.  Also tell him that you have a sense of duty to him, and that it's the best thing for him to marry in the Church, or AT LEAST get dispensed.

but they won't marry him when he doesn't go to mass, doesn't get his kids baptized, won't even attend mass with me and doesn't practice the faith.  One of my brothers went to church when he was a kid because my parents brought him.  Although he hasn't been since then.  My parents don't practice.  My sister and other brother don't practice.  They aren't hostile toward use because of our faith or they are ok with us telling my parents about things our kids do related to church but that have no interest in church.  If I send him this page it will cause issues.  I have brought up getting his kids baptized and that caused issues.  I brought up going to mass with us but that's a no go.  

It just stinks because if they ever get married, when we can't go my wife, kids and I will lose our relationship with my parents, brothers and sister and their family.  My family is the family who thinks family comes above all else.  You do whatever for family.  For them, they would think I am being unreasonable for not doing this one thing for the family.  That I can't make this one concession.  They don't understand how important faith is to me and my family.  I just hate knowing some time down the line my kids will lose access to their grandparents and aunts and uncles and me to my parents and siblings.

Who won't marry him??  The Church?? 
I'm pretty sure they will.  The situation you're describing isn't that unusual.

So he can get married in the church if he is not a practicing Catholic, has no intention of going to mass, has no intention of living the faith and has no intent to be at the church to get married other than to appease family?  Cause that's exactly what it would be.

The Church would never witness the marriage of a Catholic who does not intend to practice the Faith, or who is known to be living in a public state of mortal sin. Marriage is a Sacrament, and to receive it as a Sacrament would be a sacrilege. The Church will not countenance such.

Still, to prevent a worse evil, a continued state of sin by living unmarried, but appearing to be married, certain bishops might dispense a non-practicing Catholic from canonical form in the hopes that by having a valid marriage there might be a means of influence over the person. The case is highly individualized. It would probably be done only where there was a non-Sacramental marriage (a lax Catholic to a non-Baptized person), so no risk of sacrilege.
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