So Tired of Going to Confession...
#6
Unlike the others, I have no consolatory advice or prayerful answers for you. I never had a masturbation problem and any issues I had with lust were quashed by having crucifixes over my bed. One look at that and the mood was gone. (When I lived in Central Asia, I kept framed fotos of the leaders above my bed because one look at them would be a turn off.)
 
Like you, confession and falling shortly after are the story of my life. You are obviously not alone. While you have your issues, mine are anger and blasphemy. Again, like you, this anger is related to my lot in life and we have some similarities.
 
I was raised in a Trad family and becoming a nun or wife/mother was the ultimate goal. As fate would have it, as a child, no fault of my own, I developed chronic illness that led to double organ failure. Try finding a suitable Catholic husband with that black cloud. For a long time, I blamed God too. Ranted, raved and like you, thought God was cruel.
 
Many a priest told me to unite my suffering with Jesus and offer it up. So, you go on with that message for a while and see a point comparable to being lost in the desert. You get into a routine of daily devotions, saying the Rosary, reading helpful spiritual readings and you can hold off your most-committed sins at bay. Other priests would say my life situation was guiding me towards my vocation of celibacy, probably 50 cats and a bad perm. I liked boys and boys liked me. Naturally, I raged at God and when I rage, I rage. RAGE. 
 
For the last two years, every day was a struggle. You pray, people say they’ll pray for you, most people don’t give a squat and others say, “In your situation, you better get right with God” (in other words, since you have one foot in the grave and it’s more of a threat of damnation) so you go to Confession constantly. A day or so later, something happens, or you come to a realization you’ll never be good enough, and there goes the blasphemin’.

I finally got married and took flack for that. Accusations I got married just to get laid. I can’t have 10 babies and homeschool them all, and past my Trad expiry date, so get off the Trad bus! Further snide remarks that there really is no point to my marriage and anything we do is illicit. I got so angry, especially at Catholic culture, Canons of the church and like you, question whether this is a God I want to serve. Currently, this is my struggle and a lot of times, I err on the side of not wanting to serve.

And then, I finally get my big breakthrough. Life-saving surgery and make plans. Have that baby in a year! Maybe another! But like the Yiddish proverb, “Man plans, God laughs.” No, more problems in my way and I just feel like I am a jester for God on this earth. Not even at the level of a holy fool. You phrased it perfectly by saying there is a flaunting of something and then having it ripped away in the moment when it would hurt the most. If this is spiritual warfare brought on by nefarious forces, it feels more like a defeat than a consolatory “crumb” of which you speak.
 
Many faithful will tell you, as you have seen advice on this thread, that sometimes, bad things happen because we are to learn a lesson and something better awaits us in the future. We don’t understand God’s big picture of our lives or as the Annales School would say, la longue durée. In your situation, I believe this is true. You will find a suitable partner when you are ready but what must you learn now? Perhaps God wants you to re-examine what is the point of marriage and not sexual relations as the logical purpose, or release, for it. Perhaps God is leading you to address your “uncontrollable sexual desires” and find the root of it before you are at the proper point to move on in your life. Maybe you learned you can't "make" someone love you no matter how good you are and sometimes it pays to be discerning before we commit for life. I don't know. Many of your posts illustrate a lot of thoughts and concerns that would remain even if your choice of future spouse changed. But, I don’t have a psych degree. You need a good spiritual advisor, not an average priest, to guide you here.
 
Unfortunately for me, I have to throw myself at the foot of the cross and scream “Why?” because there is no real lesson to be had for my situation. But I am not alone and being selfish. People have faced cancer and rare disease with more grace than I will ever know. Children have faced worse as well, what is the reason for that? God knows, we don’t. We need complete trust in God but it is hard when we seek crumbs. Maybe this seeking of crumbs illustrate our faith needs to be stronger to reap blessings? Who knows... I ask for prayers, say novenas, pray the Rosary like no tomorrow but some days, I connect more with Mercyful Fate’s “Last Rites” than any prayer. So, back to confession over and over again.

You are always going to be tempted with sexual matters and this is probably a lifelong cross for you. Try going a day, and then two, and then three, I don’t know, where you do not engage in this sin. If the thought comes into your mind, and you are aware of it, change it to something else and get busy doing something else. You know what they say about idle hands... and the same for idle minds. At least you can say that you tried, and truly tried, which God asks.
 
God knows we are fallen and sinners. It’s true that only a select few attain such admirable holiness but we are all called to be saints. Saints didn’t become saints because their lives were easy or they didn’t face temptation. This is your war and you need a long plan to defeat it. Something all inclusive. It won’t happen right away but with constant trying, and maybe seeking outside help, and occupying your mind with other thoughts, perhaps your need for confession will subside too.

That's my advice but it's probably really tainted so ignore it.

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RE: So Tired of Going to Confession... - by Zubr - 04-16-2018, 02:49 PM



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