Cutting ties with a sibling
#1
I'm dealing with a situation with my sister and I sense I'm approaching a crossroad with our relationship.  Without going into details on our upbringing I will just say we have grown to be 180 degrees and polar opposites on practically all facets of life.  The difference is, she has been very egotistical along with the "my way or the highway" mentality.  Now, I have not been very gracious in dealing with our issues so I'm not painting myself as an angel. She is so full of hatred, malice, and non stop gossip including saying things about people that could wreck their lives.  There has to be an element of mental illness because she absolutely no convictions or remorse for her actions.  Coupled with these traits, she is also severely anxious and insecure, which leads me to believe she is dealing with something that she may not have full control over.  She becomes enraged when disagreed with or corrected, to the point where she knows she is wrong but will never admit it. She spews out the more horrendous insults, that are jaw dropping. When she is in the midst of a meltdown she completely checks out of herself and loses all control and sense of reality. It's nothing short of disturbing.

Ok, I'm done ranting but things are so bad it's like walking on eggshells being around her because she takes advantage of every little opportunity to degrade and demean me.  When I confront her, it's war.

Have you ever had to cut off a family member because of a toxic relationship or something similar?  I understand if it does come to that, it's important that there should never be hatred or bitterness toward her because that would not allow me to be effective in praying for her.

Just seeking advice here.

Thanks everybody
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#2
(06-02-2018, 10:34 AM)capmchuck Wrote: I'm dealing with a situation with my sister and I sense I'm approaching a crossroad with our relationship.  Without going into details on our upbringing I will just say we have grown to be 180 degrees and polar opposites on practically all facets of life.  The difference is, she has been very egotistical along with the "my way or the highway" mentality.  Now, I have not been very gracious in dealing with our issues so I'm not painting myself as an angel.  She is so full of hatred, malice, and non stop gossip including saying things about people that could wreck their lives.  There has to be an element of mental illness because she absolutely no convictions or remorse for her actions.  Coupled with these traits, she is also severely anxious and insecure, which leads me to believe she is dealing with something that she may not have full control over.  She becomes enraged when disagreed with or corrected, to the point where she knows she is wrong but will never admit it.  She spews out the more horrendous insults, that are jaw dropping.  When she is in the midst of a meltdown she completely checks out of herself and loses all control and sense of reality.  It's nothing short of disturbing.

Ok, I'm done ranting but things are so bad it's like walking on eggshells being around her because she takes advantage of every little opportunity to degrade and demean me.  When I confront her, it's war.

Have you ever had to cut off a family member because of a toxic relationship or something similar?  I understand if it does come to that, it's important that there should never be hatred or bitterness toward her because that would not allow me to be effective in praying for her.

Just seeking advice here.

Thanks everybody
Yes.  It was very very hard to do this. I wish I didn't have to, but I do.  Any my life, my mental health is better because of it.
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This was not just due to the current political problem - family members who can't eat dinner together without spitting hate over politics.  This was someone who made me, and others, MISERABLE.  It was destructive to the family in general because the saying "one bad apple soils the barrel" can apply to familial relationships - my family member undermined people within the family, caused hard feelings and was a contributing factor to family members not speaking to each other for years.
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This person is not mentally ill.  Does not need to be taken care of, does not need help holding a job, just, well, mean.  Passive-Aggressive with a large dose of narcissism, not anti-social, but social only with people that can be kept at a distance. enjoys pitting people against each other, sowing seeds of discord.  And still holding on to anger over slights that occurred 50 or more years ago.
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So, sadly, and with much thought and prayer, and professional counseling, it was time for this person to go.  It is the right choice for me.  It is a great relief.  Noone is going to sabatoge me anymore.
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#3
I can sympathize with this. I have a sister with some mental illness who has repeatedly tried to take advantage and we have always had to be on guard against. We've tried to not sever ties completely but I have certainly adjusted what I am open to helping her with. When I spoke to my priest about it, he said that when it comes to situations like this there is a limit to what you can do especially when it comes to mental illness. It's a tough situation to be in no matter the circumstances. I do not think Jesus intended us to be formats. Good luck and God bless.
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#4
Sometimes it is not just psychological but diabolical. I would recommend having some Masses said for your sister. Keep praying for her, but at a distance, if necessary.
I ask Jesus to cover me and my family in His most Precious Blood against any and all incursions of the evil one, in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost.  Amen.
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#5
Yes, I have had to take "cooling off" periods of several months' duration with my mother before; fortunately it has not progressed to a full cut, but it could always go that way. My feelings were a terrible mix of feeling such a drastic move was necessary and of tremendous guilt. Even though I believe it was the right thing to do, I will not lie and say it was easy.

It seems like your sister needs help of some kind, mental health or spiritual counseling in particular. Whether she would pursue such help is up to her. What you can do, of course, is separate yourself from such toxicity. It isn't easy or pleasant, but if you've dealt with this for years and have begun seriously contemplating cutting ties, I'm going to suggest it's the right call. It doesn't have to be forever; perhaps your decision might spur her to examine her behavior. She will probably be worse for a while, until the initial shock wears off.

In the meantime, though, be sure to include her well-being, spiritual and material, in your daily prayers.
O unashamed intercessor of Christians, ever loyal advocate before the Creator, do not disregard the prayerful voice of sinners but in your goodness hasten to assist us who trustfully cry out to you: Intercede always, O Mother of God, in behalf of those who honor you!
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#6
This is an old thread, so it is probably too late, however, for anyone else who need help, this is the way to go! It works, and they make use of experts, they are not on a see saw of continuous therapies!

Contact NAMI https://www.nami.org/

Take their 12 week class. They will help you change your behavior, yes, Yours! (Peace begins with me!) which will in turn change your sister's behavior. We are supposed to help our family members, not kick them out! Absolutely do Not desert her in her hour of need!

Also, make her a nutrient smoothie, or get a supplement for her-(slip it in her milk, if need be!!)-often the body chemistry is off. The body and nerves need All the Vitamins, Minerals, and Enzymes to work efficiently!
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#7
Provided the sibling is able to make it financially one their own, I guess the decision is a little easier although still very difficult.


In my own situation, and given the fact that my husband and I have family members who will probably (?) always need assistance (two brothers), it's just sort of a different thing. One will always need help, the other can hopefully get back on his feet somehow. But we will probably never cut ties with either. Then there's the grannies, they get a free pass to any assistance they need always. Not to memtion our children. Oh, the blessed baggage God gives us by the time we're in our 50's....

ETA: did I mention the fact that I have two dogs?  Big Grin
"Not only are we all in the same boat, but we are all seasick.” --G.K. Chesterton
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