Very discouraged - advice needed, please?
I know how you feel. I suffer from a depressive illness which is 'invisible' but none the less debilitating.
You are in my prayers....

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  • knitwit
Dear Knitwit, I am sorry you are going through this. You seem like such a sweet person and this is indeed a very heavy cross.

I don't have much advice to give you here except to tell you that the Lord must truly love you for allowing you to suffer so much. The heaviest crosses are often the ones where we have to bear patiently with our own weaknesses, bodily infirmities, and the faults of those around us.

If nothing else, you have a great opportunity here to offer up your suffering for the salvation of your children and your husband, as well as for the future of your little granddaughter. That right there is more important than any shopping trips or outings with your granddaughter!

A few weeks before our marriage, my fiance left me. It was devastating, but I eventually found the courage to offer up the pain I experienced (and still experience) for his soul and so that I will eventually be able to forgive him.

You are in my prayers, and I hope you will find the support and love you deserve here on Fisheaters, as I have, even if you struggle to find it in your home.
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them." I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them,” because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

St. Mary of Egypt, Ora Pro Nobis!

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  • knitwit, mpk1987
(08-16-2018, 02:37 AM)knitwit Wrote: Greetings, all.  My young adult son made me find a forum for feedback on a very painful matter.  I really don't want to drag my adults kids into this; it feels too much like gossip and disrespecting the spouse, if that makes sense. Still, I need to reach out for thoughts, opinions, advice, anything.

I must apologize beforehand: this will be a long post, as I have never really vented this stuff to anyone for fear of gossiping. I am going through a very emotional time, but I will try to dial that back here.

There are issues between my husband and I. We have been married for nearly 30 years now (late marriage, many miscarriages, 2 living children). We're both 62 y.o.

I now have many health issues (none apparent until years after our wedding vows), ranging from Celiac/sprue disease (6 yrs ago) accompanied by the typical intestinal problems that go with that (sorry for the tmi... ugh), malabsorption of nutrition (the most serious consequence); asthma, allergies to "everything" (most now gone due to removing gluten from my diet), insomnia, and my adrenals seem to be nearly non-functioning, one problem after the other manifesting beginning around '07 (in retrospect) and snowballing from there.  Not to mention that I went through "The Change" in my early 40s.  (Yikes.)

That was when I found my strength and extremely high level of vigor I took for granted were fading, rapidly and inexplicably.  I hardly have the strength to do anything anymore, so I mostly sit and read books.  Sometimes I knit, but that is nearly all I do, other than cook the occasional simple meal and endless pots of coffee for everyone. Doing a rare load of laundry or going to Mass used to send me to my bed for several hours. On bad days, it still does.  

I was used to being so strong, capable, and hardy. I rarely ever got tired, and I rarely ever sat down, except to eat; afterwards, I was off again, doing more chores, more errands, gardening, canning, more everything.  I loved having my babies so close in age. I used to do so much more with them. We played together a lot, and I taught them little prayers, songs, chores, skills, etc.  Later, we homeschooled until graduation (Trad. Cath. curriculum).  Not to mention, before they got their licenses, I drove them everywhere. We did so much together, but in the last 3 years of their schooling, I started wilting; no matter what I did from that point on, I couldn't revive my energy.  Doctors couldn't find what was wrong, at the time, but I don't think they tried very hard, either.  :/

There are no real outward signs of my ill health that I can point to (or that anyone can see, as far as I can tell). But I do notice that my super-thick hair has been falling out by the handfuls (literally!), my skin is whiter and pastier, and I'm just depressed. I used to be a lot sunnier about life; I didn't even know I was depressed, as I'd never experienced it before.  Only within the last couple/three years have I even figured that much out. 

That said, the depression has lifted a bit, Deo gratias!   I do take nutritional supplements, vitamins, minerals, homeopathics (for allergies), and other things: whatever I can - and I know they help.  Those are probably why I'm still on my feet (sort of) and able to do a bit more than just sit and read.  

The difficulty is - my husband has never quite believed that I don't feel well; that I feel weak and exhausted nearly all the time; that I really AM too tired or too weak to walk across the floor -- too often.  It seems to be getting a bit better, but not by much, and that's only because of the supplements.  :/

But, according to my husband, I'm (apparently) just a sandbagger and "don't care" about... well, anything.  Not even my wonderful 3 yo granddaughter.  This accusation crushes me, and I just don't know what to do.  Yes, I've prayed--still am--and won't stop.  Prayers for my husband are in every one of my daily Rosaries, and have been for years. 

I think part of his attitude stems from fear; mostly (I think?) fear that I won't be able to "take care of him" when he needs it.  And it's possible I couldn't, even if I were in perfect health.  He's much larger than I am, and there is just no way I could physically man-handle him into and out of clothes, baths, bed, whatever.  I'm 4'10" and 108 lbs; he's 6' and 230 lbs!  

He also has a tendency to see the world in black and white - and as far as I can tell, he gets to decide which is which.  This makes him seem rigid and very judgmental sometimes, and often unfairly so.  I think he hates it when I disagree with his rash judgment of someone: he presumes to know everyone's motives (incl. mine) and is very swift to judge, but I hate letting that sin slide without comment.  I do try to defend myself with simple and calm statements, but it never works, and I give up pretty quickly to avoid an argument. I think the only reason I try anymore is the result of knee-jerk habits.

As for my own flaws, I think I am discouraged too easily these days. I often question whether I am just making excuses for myself (something I "always did", according to my departed mother). I thought I was just explaining things, but I am now doubting myself so much, that I no longer feel like I know what's true and what isn't.  I never learned to trust my own judgment (about anything) as a child.  I don't know which is the right thing to do: defend myself when I think I am being unfairly accused, or just keep my silence? 

My mind goes in circles, wondering if maybe he's right: that I'm simply being selfish, lazy, and "don't care for" my beautiful grandchild.  I know I love her dearly, so how that translates into "not caring" for her, I don't know.  

A bit of background: the whole family is Trad, and I am a 21-year convert from Southern Baptist, then Novus Ordo, before discovering genuine Tradition.  My husband quit attending Mass altogether after being gratuitously, and rather outrageously, insulted by a man in our congregation about 3 years ago.  He used that guy's behavior as an excuse to quit going to Mass, something he wanted to do anyway, I think.  He seems to hate that I'm still very much a believing and practicing Catholic, and that I wouldn't give up the wonderful Faith for anything, period. 

According to him, I have "enough energy to go to Mass" (every 2 weeks only), but not enough to care for our whirlwind of a grandchild.  Hint: imagine a child, but one that can't sit still. Crazy! (Mass doesn't usually involve running 99.99% of the time.)  

Sometimes, I do miss Mass because I really don't have the energy to go;  the "busy baby" is over here nearly every day, and we're on our feet nearly the whole time she's here.  For hours.  

The problem is that it is my husband who takes on watching "baby" most of the time she's here, even though she really doesn't need constant oversight.  She's a whirlwind, but doesn't tend to get into things she shouldn't.  He is possibly resentful that neither I nor her parents see things his way, and it seems he is translating his "need to hover" (and my not hovering) into me somehow "not caring" about her.  Argh!

If anyone has any insights into what I should do, or how I should handle this, I would be truly grateful to hear it, even if it's uncomfortable for me. Again I just need feedback, advice, anything that can offer me possible insight to this situation, and if there are any other sources I can turn to.

Thank you so much for any prayers, help, advice offered!  
+St. Joseph, pray for us!+
I'm so sorry to hear about your health and troubles with your husband. Have you guys tried going to a marriage counselor?  Maybe a counselor could help you guys open up the doors of communication?

Also, it sounds like you might be suffering from some hormone issues, which can be extremely difficult to diagnose. Have you gone to an endocrinologist and/or internist?
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  • knitwit
Hi, CatholicWoman, and thank you for your response. Yes, I am very sure much of my issues stem from hormonal imbalances; probably thyroid, definitely adrenal, and probably female hormones, as well. I haven't gone to any specialist, though. I DID have my family Dr. take a thyroid blood test, and he said the levels came back "within norms", but I KNOW that the typical thyroid test does not factor in everything it should.
Re. your physical issues, what worked for Jordan Peterson's daughter might work for you. Her website is here: :

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Prayers for you, honey. It's not easy I can tell. Just do the very best you can. God love you. May God bless you.
"Not only are we all in the same boat, but we are all seasick.” --G.K. Chesterton

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