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Vatican Announces Beatification of Man Who Rearranged Chairs on the Titanic Before Succumbing to Death Without Glory

Cardinal Giovanni Angelo Becciu, Prefect of the Congregation for the Causes of the Saints, told Reuters that Pope Francis judged it to be the right time for the step. "Today's bishops really need up-to-date role models for their pastoral work. You know, Charles Borromeo, John Neumann, men who actively built up the Church with well-targeted efforts based on dogmatic faith -- they are no longer relevant. What we are looking for is an example of someone who did the wrong thing, at the wrong time, too little and too late, but did it heroically."

The deckchair rearranger, Arthur Lanley Coxcomb, had apparently no special qualifications for the job. "But that did not prevent him from serving his fellow passengers," said His Eminence. "He just stepped into the breach and did what any uninformed and shortsighted person would have done. This is what makes him so valuable for our times. Think of how much inspiration he could give to the episcopal conferences around the world!"

Msgr. Jerry "Jellyroll" Jigsaw, a consultant to the Congregation, concurred. "There are already so many strong, well-chiseled, independent-minded bishops listed among the saints. This offers almost no model for bureaucrats to imitate. They need someone who always goes along and gets along, as apparently Arthur did."

Asked when the beatification would take place, Msgr. Jigsaw replied: "Well, you see, the date hasn't been set yet, because some American bishops have objected that Arthur showed too much energy and initiative in how (according to eyewitnesses) he rearranged the chairs. So we are in negotiations now with the USCCB and are confident a unanimous vote can be reached."
Jovan-Marya of the Immaculate Conception Weismiller, T.O.Carm.

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