Disagreeing with husband on parenting techniques
#1
Our son is 4 1/2 months old. My husband wants to let him “cry it out“ whenever he is fussy. Last night, my husband held our son while he screamed his head off for 25 minutes. My husband refused to give our son to me, because he said he wanted our son to “get used to being with his dad.“ My husband is convinced that our son is just manipulating us with his crying. Nothing I tell him can convince my husband otherwise. Furthermore, when I Google articles about crying it out, all I can find articles by supposedly professional doctors and psychologists saying that the cry it out method does not cause any long-term psychological harm. However, I find this hard to believe. It is so difficult for me listening to our son scream.  It is also causing a major point of contention in our marriage.

My husband was raised by an abusive narcissistic mother who use the cry it out technique on my husband and all of his siblings. My husband claims that “he and his siblings turned out OK“ so there must be nothing wrong to the cry it out method. I really don’t know what to do. It feels so wrong to let my son scream for hours on end, but I can’t find many well researched  articles to the contrary. My husband will not listen to anecdotal evidence; he wants to go strictly on his personal experience and on what the experts say.
St. Joseph, Terror of Demons, Pillar of Families, Glory of Domestic Life, Pray for Us!
Reply
#2
It depends on the kid, really. My son is now 2 and has been a screamer all of his life. No amount of coddling has helped him get over his severe tantrums, so more often than not we had to resort to letting him cry it out. While on the other hand, we didn't need to do that with our daughter because more often than not she simply needed something or was uncomfortable.

I would say that since your kid is still so young, it would be best to avoid that and try to determine whether they are in need of something, tired, or maybe even have discomfort from gas before thinking that such a young one is trying to manipulate you (which is doubtful).
"The Heart of Jesus is closer to you when you suffer, than when you are full of joy." - St. Margaret Mary Alacoque

"[T]he Church is putting off it's medieval character as the mother of nations, returning again into its primitive condition as a society of members scattered among the peoples and cities of the world." - Cardinal Manning, Present Crisis of the Holy See (1861)

"At the behest of the two-horned beast looking 'like a lamb', but who 'speaks as a dragon' (Apo. 13:11), the partisans of Barabbas are now closing in for the kill by democratizing the Church herself." - Solange Hertz
[-] The following 1 user Likes Augustinian's post:
  • newenglandsun
Reply
#3
Agreed with Augustinian. And let your husband know that you've been nearest to the child longer than he has. There is a saying, "Mama knows best".
https://historyofnewengland.blogspot.com/?m=1
"This guy gets it." Fan mail I've received.
Reply
#4
At this stage, no one knows your baby better than you.

Your son is too young for “cry it out.” He is not capable of manipulation through crying.

EDIT: I found resources from Dr Sears extremely helpful. Some people hate, HATE him, but the Baby Book felt right and spoke to the kind of mother I want to be.
Reply
#5
Why does your husband believe that a 4-month-old is trying to manipulate him? That sounds like paranoia.
Reply
#6
An infant is completely helpless and relies on you for EVERYTHING. Screaming and crying is a baby’s only vocabulary for communicating a dire need that must be met, so letting him “cry it out” at this phase would be abusive neglect. It shouldn’t be a surprise that a child has a strong preference for mommy for at least the first 12-24 months of life. A mother was made to offer reliable comfort in a way a father just can’t - demonstrated quite well by your husband’s “get over it” attitude.

At the same time, I sympathize with his insecurity. So if I were you, I’d take the opportunity to extend that reliable comfort to him as well as your baby. Remind him how important he is in your baby’s life, that he will provide an increasingly vital role as a father as the little one grows, in a way a mother can’t.
Reply
#7
Might I suggest a middle ground?  Check all the usual things: clean diaper, no gas, recently fed, comfortably clothed etc.  If all those needs are met and he has had some cuddle time, he may just want to be held.  This is normal.  The challenge becomes that mommy and daddy can't hold the baby 24/7 - nothing would get done.  So, you could get a baby wearing device - they work well.  You could also set times when you cannot hold the baby.  For example, take care of all the baby's needs first snuggle him to sleep and then go eat dinner.  If he wakes up the instant you put him down, he will need to learn to accept this big nasty thing called a crib.  

In truth, it is hard as a mom to accept anyone else - even the hubby - doing things for your child.  It is hard to hear those cries and not respond.  I would always put on soothing music, swaddle the baby, snuggle him to sleep, and only then put him in the crib.  It made it easier on me and on him.  Have you tried communicating your distress to your husband?  He might understand better if you explain how much it hurts you to hear the baby crying.  You can acknowledge that sometimes babies cry while asking him to please acknowledge your distress.  Balance . . . always balance.  

In the end, no mom can be "on call" 24/7.  You need to sleep sometime.  Remember that your husband may well be trying to (a) force you to let him care for his child so that you can rest and (b) feel very distressed that he really isn't a part of the equation right now.  These are all normal feelings: for both of you.
Adoption, Home School, and Catholic Family Life:  StolenPears.com
[-] The following 1 user Likes Fontevrault's post:
  • Catherine
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)