Husband upset that I took phone call from ex-boyfriend
#1
Do you think what I did was okay or wrong?  Why?

Prior to meeting my husband, I went out with a guy for 7 years.  My husband knows him well, since they went through school together for 12 years.

Out of the blue, 10 years into our marriage, I received a phone call from him, wanting to know if I would be attending our high school reunion which was coming up that weekend.  I spent about 45 minutes "catching up" with him on the phone, since I hadn't had any contact with him in nearly 15 years.

My husband was very upset that I had taken the phone call at all, let alone spending 45 minutes on the phone with him while my husband watched our three young children.

Honestly, I thought nothing whatsoever about talking with my ex-boyfriend, as he, too, was married with children, and I knew that I had no romantic feelings whatsoever for him.  In fact, I consider him a friend and was simply interested to learn how he was doing.

Does my husband have the right to feel upset with me, or is he overreacting?
Reply
#2
I know my mother had a similar occurrence, where she heard from an ex from three decades earlier.  He apologised for their past difficulties, and they are now back in contact, talking on occasion and sharing old memories, and she also rekindled a close relationship with his own mother up until her death (possibly leading her back to the faith as well).  My father knows and knew about this the whole time; she discussed it with him, and he never had any issue.  There's no question of infidelity in their relationship, and she and the ex had both moved on in their lives.  I see no issue with this.

I can't speak for your husband or your relationship, but in general I would see trust in your spouse as an integral and fundamental part of a relationship.  That is to say, that I would trust my spouse as not being unfaithful to me simply because she had a nice conversation with conversation from a guy in her past, in the context of a school reunion no less.  It would raise the question to me of why it upset him so much.  Is there past infidelity?  Does he have issues with trust and security?  Was he hurt or betrayed in the past?  Or did he give a specific reason for it?  Was he perhaps upset that you were chatting and having fun whilst he was 'stuck' watching the kids?  Lots of options, and not really questions I'm asking to get answers for.

I'm sure people here will sharply disagree with me, and I'm also not looking to point and say he's unjustified in being upset.  I'm only saying that there's nothing inherently wrong with it, and even under inspection (as you describe it) it doesn't sound harmful at all, to me.

P.S. I see this is your first post; welcome to the forum!
"There are not over a hundred people in the United States who hate the Catholic Church. There are millions, however, who hate what they wrongly believe to be the Catholic Church -- which is, of course, quite a different thing." -Ven. Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

"Let me repeat this sentence. It is impossible in human language to exaggerate the importance of being in a chapel or church before the Blessed Sacrament as often and for as long as our duties and state of life allow. That sentence is the talisman of the highest sanctity." -Fr. John Hardon, S.J.
Reply
#3
This is probably better placed in the "About Women" category.
Reply
#4
Why would he care if you're going. You shouldn't have taken the call.
Reply
#5
The question to ask yourself is: if your husband had gotten a call from an old ex girlfriend that he’d dated for seven years and spent 45 minutes catching up with her on the phone while you watched the kids, would you be ok with that?

I’d venture to say probably not, if you were really honest with yourself.

Your husband’s reaction is one of common sense. After all, it’s not like this was just some guy you went on a few dates with. You were intimately involved with this man for SEVEN YEARS. You don’t easily forget someone you loved for that long a period of time.

I would put yourself in your husband’s shoes. How would you have reacted to him if your situation were reversed?
St. Joseph, Terror of Demons, Pillar of Families, Glory of Domestic Life, Pray for Us!

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
[-] The following 2 users Like SacraCor714's post:
  • Bushum, MagisterMusicae
Reply
#6
It sounds like he may have been over reacting but if I were you I would stay away from this guy in the future.
Reply
#7
It sounds like he may have been over reacting but if I were you I would stay away from this guy in the future.
Reply
#8
You spoke for 45 minutes on the phone?
Seems a bit excessive for a yes or no question.
I’ll at least give you credit for your endurance for managing to talk on the phone that long for something that wasn’t a professional meeting or a medical appointment. 

If something similar happens in the future, try being more concise in your answer.
In the meantime, if you hurt your husband: apologize, and tell him the truth, viz. it wasn’t your intention to hurt him. Then tell him you won’t do something like that again.

Incidentally, if you regularly chat this long on the phone with people, perhaps try reducing the average talk time by approx 95%.
[-] The following 2 users Like FultonFan's post:
  • MagisterMusicae, newenglandsun
Reply
#9
Fulton Fan,

I respectfully disagree with your belief that a 45 minute conversation was excessive, because it was someone who I've known for a long time and hadn't spoken with in a decade.

My husband and I have different opinions on whether someone can be "just friends" with a person they dated for 7 years.  I believe it is possible, while my husband believes that there will always be "something special" between my ex-boyfriend and me.  I think he feels that way because my ex-boyfriend was also my "first love."  But, my husband's way of thinking is wrong.

From the Sacrament-of-Marriage perspective, I know that I've done nothing wrong.  I've always been faithful and have never done anything to betray my husband.  It's hurtful that he has overreacted to this situation in the way he has.
Reply
#10
(12-01-2020, 09:44 AM)Made New Wrote: Fulton Fan,

I respectfully disagree with your belief that a 45 minute conversation was excessive, because it was someone who I've known for a long time and hadn't spoken with in a decade.

My husband and I have different opinions on whether someone can be "just friends" with a person they dated for 7 years.  I believe it is possible, while my husband believes that there will always be "something special" between my ex-boyfriend and me.  I think he feels that way because my ex-boyfriend was also my "first love."  But, my husband's way of thinking is wrong.

From the Sacrament-of-Marriage perspective, I know that I've done nothing wrong.  I've always been faithful and have never done anything to betray my husband.  It's hurtful that he has overreacted to this situation in the way he has.

If you put something divisive between yourself and your husband in marriage, then you have done something wrong.

If by “dated for seven years” and “first love” you are saying that this “ex” either had your virginity or had sex with you, then your husband is even more right to be grieved...because taking a call from said person and then protracting it into a 45 minute conversation is hardly “forsaking all others.”
[-] The following 1 user Likes yablabo's post:
  • SacraCor714
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)