Husband upset that I took phone call from ex-boyfriend
#11
It's inappropriate. I think this would fall in the category of 'near occasion of sin'.

If you're chatting with someone you had a romantic relationship with in the past, of course your husband will be upset. Catching up on the past with this person is reminiscing about your romantic relationship, or at least that particular time.

And I have to wonder about the motives of your old boyfriend. Rarely can a former couple "just be friends" and I'm sure your husband realizes this, even if you don't. I'll bet it's in the back of your old boyfriends mind as well. Very uncool of your old boyfriend to put you and your husband in that predicament.
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#12
(12-01-2020, 09:44 AM)Made New Wrote: Fulton Fan,

I respectfully disagree with your belief that a 45 minute conversation was excessive, because it was someone who I've known for a long time and hadn't spoken with in a decade.

My husband and I have different opinions on whether someone can be "just friends" with a person they dated for 7 years.  I believe it is possible, while my husband believes that there will always be "something special" between my ex-boyfriend and me.  I think he feels that way because my ex-boyfriend was also my "first love."  But, my husband's way of thinking is wrong. (Bold font added by FultonFan).

From the Sacrament-of-Marriage perspective, I know that I've done nothing wrong.  I've always been faithful and have never done anything to betray my husband.  It's hurtful that he has overreacted to this situation in the way he has.

Says who, that your husband’s way of thinking is wrong? You?
Maybe 45 mins for a phone call is normal these days.
Personally, I find chatting on the phone to be incredibly boring. Once I get to about 90 seconds I’m pretty well ready for it to end.
Anyway, I’m going to back out of this. This is between you, your husband, and God.
I apologize if I came across as rude.
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#13
There might be another way of thinking about this situation.  What matters more to you, restarting some kind of friendship with this ex-boyfriend (you mention you've had no contact for about 15 years) or the feelings of your husband about this?  What is more important, a renewed friendship with a guy you haven't seen since George W. Bush was president or the feelings of the man you've pledged the rest of your life to in the sacrament of marriage?  It really doesn't matter if you think you can have a purely platonic relationship with this ex now.  Your husband is clearly upset by it.  Why do that to him?  What do you gain by being friends with a guy from your past, at the expense of your husband's feelings?
"For the true friends of the people are neither revolutionaries nor innovators, but traditionalists."
- Pope St. Pius X

"For there shall be a time, when they will not endure sound doctrine; but, according to their own desires, they will heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears: And will indeed turn away their hearing from the truth, but will be turned unto fables."
- 2 Timothy 4:3-4

"Therefore God shall send them the operation of error, to believe lying: That all may be judged who have not believed the truth, but have consented to iniquity."
- 2 Thessalonians 2:11-12
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#14
“But, my husband’s way of thinking is wrong.”

Seems like you’ve already made up your mind that you are right and that your husband is an overreacting control freak. Why ask our opinions on a forum if you’re just going to double down on what you think is right? 

It doesn’t seem like you’re even trying to see things from your husband’s perspective. Furthermore, as Seeker said, it appears you value the expedient relationship you suddenly rekindled with this guy more than you value your husband, the man you’ve pledged your life to. 

Again, if your husband spent 45 minutes chatting to a woman who was his “first love” (whatever that means), how would you feel? I’m sure you would be just as angry, jealous, and suspicious as he is, and rightfully so. 

I’ve said my piece: bowing out now.
St. Joseph, Terror of Demons, Pillar of Families, Glory of Domestic Life, Pray for Us!

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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#15
Perhaps a 45-minute conversation to reminisce with an ex-boyfriend was a bit long. Next time, I suggest you put your kids down for a nap before you take a call like that, and invite your husband into the conversation.
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#16
I can't speak for every man, but for myself, every other man is a threat to my wife.  Sure, I suppose I can have enough trust that my best friend would never do anything to my wife (if I had one) if left alone with her.  Doesn't matter.  I wouldn't want it to happen because you just never know.  I would be that kind of husband who would also try to avoid ever having a man over at the house alone with my wife (e.g. a repairman).  You just never know, and as I am sure we all know, sexual offence hurts more than just about every other offence.  I know someone who was an unfortunate victim.  Her life is really not what it ought to be, even though the offender is now dead.

The other thing is a man is supposed to have a defensive nature of sorts.  He should want to fight to protect that which is important to him and those whom he loves.  Men also are supposed to have by nature, quite frankly, a huge ego of sorts; so if a former lover of my wife is on the phone with her for nearly an hour, not only am I feeling threatened by another guy getting way too cosy with my wife; but I am also now wounded in my ego because it all makes me think this guy is offering something better than I am. "I work all day on the job to provide you a good life, and you're talking to some other guy now?  Am I not good enough?  Are you going to walk out on me for someone you ‘used to’ love?"  These may all sound like ridiculous thoughts to have, but they are the first impulses that will go off through a man's mind.

If we all knew that marriage was going to be forever, people would never come home to, "Dear John" letters. How many spouses have walked out on the other to the other's complete surprise? There's always the threat. Let there never be the appearance of it.
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#17
Maybe they need to really ask themselves if they truly trust their spouse. A man shouldn’t feel so threatened as to think the only way his wife can be faithful to him is for other men to simply not be there. If a man feels so intimidated by other men potentially stealing his wife, maybe they should work on their trust issues. Adultery very frequently begins simply with friendly familiarity from the opposite sex, so it is wise to be cautious, but there is a difference between showing due caution and protecting one’s spouse, and simply being insecure.
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#18
(12-01-2020, 06:17 PM)Credidi Propter Wrote: Maybe they need to really ask themselves if they truly trust their spouse. A man shouldn’t feel so threatened as to think the only way his wife can be faithful to him is for other men to simply not be there. If a man feels so intimidated by other men potentially stealing his wife, maybe they should work on their trust issues. Adultery very frequently begins simply with friendly familiarity from the opposite sex, so it is wise to be cautious, but there is a difference between showing due caution and protecting one’s spouse, and simply being insecure.
You can be unfaithful with your affections and trust and sharing. It's not just carnal sex that can damage a relationship and wound a man. Someone already asked how you would feel if he took that call while you were in the room? If you want to catch up tell him to join you and your husband for a zoom happy hour
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#19
(12-01-2020, 06:17 PM)Credidi Propter Wrote: Maybe they need to really ask themselves if they truly trust their spouse. A man shouldn’t feel so threatened as to think the only way his wife can be faithful to him is for other men to simply not be there. If a man feels so intimidated by other men potentially stealing his wife, maybe they should work on their trust issues. Adultery very frequently begins simply with friendly familiarity from the opposite sex, so it is wise to be cautious, but there is a difference between showing due caution and protecting one’s spouse, and simply being insecure.

I'm not sure if this is a case of the husband being insecure.  This wasn't a 45-minute phone call with, say, a male colleague or a local father originally calling about some PTA business.  Such a conversation, even if it veered into casual talk, probably wouldn't be unusual.  But this was an out of the blue phone call with a man the OP dated for seven years and referred to as her first love.  I'm not saying the ex-boyfriend intended to do anything inappropriate.  None-the-less, her husband's reaction strikes me as very understandable, especially since she doesn't seem to think this is anything more than an overreaction on his part.  I'm not married and I haven't bothered dating in awhile but if I were in his shoes, I'd be quite upset with all this.  With the passage of 15 years, this ex could be a very different fellow now.  Is his marriage on the rocks?  How would I know?  Is he experiencing some midlife crisis, wants to turn back the clock? Again, how would I know?  Maybe his intentions were totally innocent, but given the few specifics we've been given here, I don't think he's being insecure.  I think the OP should ask herself if upsetting her husband is really worth having additional contact with this fellow.  Unless her husband is a control freak and trying to socially isolate her, I can see no harm in respecting him by declining further phone calls or talks with this guy.  And if hubby really is that kind of controlling type, therapy is desperately needed (not a new guy friend, which is asking for infidelity in such a bad situation).  So, perhaps you're right: maybe there are some trust issues that need work here.  As is often the case with questions like this, we have only a few details and only one side presenting the situation.
"For the true friends of the people are neither revolutionaries nor innovators, but traditionalists."
- Pope St. Pius X

"For there shall be a time, when they will not endure sound doctrine; but, according to their own desires, they will heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears: And will indeed turn away their hearing from the truth, but will be turned unto fables."
- 2 Timothy 4:3-4

"Therefore God shall send them the operation of error, to believe lying: That all may be judged who have not believed the truth, but have consented to iniquity."
- 2 Thessalonians 2:11-12
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#20
(12-01-2020, 08:20 PM)Ptochos Wrote: You can be unfaithful with your affections and trust and sharing. It's not just carnal sex that can damage a relationship and wound a man.

Indeed.  Our Lord has told us that adultery begins in the heart.  Adultery need not be a physical thing, it can occur in the heart.  An "emotional affair" is a grave matter and can be quite damaging to a married couple.  From the sounds of it, our OP didn't intend any such thing but sins like adultery (literal and within the heart) need to be constantly guarded against.  Honestly, I can't think of a single old girlfriend from 15 years ago or so that I would really need back in my life.  I'd prioritize the feelings of those in my life now over reconnecting with someone from a decade and a half ago.
"For the true friends of the people are neither revolutionaries nor innovators, but traditionalists."
- Pope St. Pius X

"For there shall be a time, when they will not endure sound doctrine; but, according to their own desires, they will heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears: And will indeed turn away their hearing from the truth, but will be turned unto fables."
- 2 Timothy 4:3-4

"Therefore God shall send them the operation of error, to believe lying: That all may be judged who have not believed the truth, but have consented to iniquity."
- 2 Thessalonians 2:11-12
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