Boundaries with MIL
#11
(12-16-2020, 07:02 PM)Ptochos Wrote:
(12-16-2020, 02:41 PM)SacraCor714 Wrote: My mother-in-law is  a cruel, evil, and narcissistic woman who refused to come to our wedding and has not spoken to us in over two years. She has had no contact with her only grandchild. Fortunately, she lives several states away, so the distance helps. We continue to maintain a good relationship with my husband‘s father, but we act as though my mother-in-law does not exist. It is better for everyone that way.

You are fulfilling the commandment to honor your parents if you provide for their material and spiritual welfare. If she were poor and needed something and you could afford to provide it, that is your moral duty (material welfare). You must pray for her soul (spiritual welfare). Affirming and playing along with her immoral life are in no way prescribed. In fact, I'd say that would be sinful.

I had a very difficult relationship with my abusive deceased father. I felt so guilty about distancing myself from him. I brought it to Confession 3 times. Each time I was told that I was fulfilling the commandment and that if I was unable to help him materially or spiritually then I was in way obliged to affirm him in his abusiveness - in fact, doing so was not at all loving but enabling. I have had innumerable Masses said for him. I pray for his soul. 

Peace be with you. Confess or talk to a good priest. He can help you if you are feeling guilty about this.

My MIL is a widow, but she receives a very healthy income without working. She makes more than the average American family. Despite this, even when he was making half her income, my husband gave her tens of thousands of dollars, which she squandered on luxury purchases, because she felt she “deserved them”, as well as outright shameful things with which to drown her sorrows. She called him crying and was given more. My husband took on $40K worth of her debt (she refused to sell a vacation RV for “sentimental reasons”). He rang up credit card debt helping her. Eventually, after a couple years, he cut her off. 

It’s been more than the money, though. She’s been a monster to me. And yet, I DO feel the need to go to Confession. I have tried so hard to be a dutiful daughter-in-law and feel like I’ve failed.
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#12
A priest once told me in the confessional that we are not bound to for our parents anything which is unreasonable, especially when we are adults.  Doing things that are unreasonable is, at the very least, uncharitable.

It’s probably the best that you do confess, though, if for nothing else than to get the burden off of your shoulders.
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#13
Toxic parents (or any other individual) will often left you feeling that way. Here is a book that still helps me alot to understant and rationalize some manipulative behaviors. I foung it easier to take distance or set boundaries afterwards. And without feeling remorse. It's called 'Toxic parents - overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life' 


https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?crid=27Q46FLL4ZG8S&dchild=1&keywords=toxic+parents+overcoming+their+hurtful+legacy&qid=1608301082&sprefix=toxic+parents+%2Caps%2C169&sr=8-1

Your family is in my prayers
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#14
(12-16-2020, 10:26 PM)Elle19 Wrote:
(12-16-2020, 02:41 PM)SacraCor714 Wrote: My mother-in-law is  a cruel, evil, and narcissistic woman who refused to come to our wedding and has not spoken to us in over two years. She has had no contact with her only grandchild. Fortunately, she lives several states away, so the distance helps. We continue to maintain a good relationship with my husband‘s father, but we act as though my mother-in-law does not exist. It is better for everyone that way.

Do you ever feel angry at her for this? I think one of the things that frustrates me is that because my MIL does not think she is wrong (ever), nothing good has come of it when my husband has tried to confront her. My husband is so angry at her that we can’t even talk about it. And as my son grows, I’m not sure how to explain why we don’t see her. Have you guys discussed a game plan?

I do feel very angry at her for what she has done to my husband. She told him to his face that she hated him and that he was dead to her. I can't understand how a mother could do that to her own child. My husband told me he remembers being a little boy and crying at the window watching her walk away from their house as she threatened to run away (apparently she did this at least several times a month). 


Initially when we were first married it took me a while to get used to the fact that my mother in law hated us both and wouldn't hesitate to hurt us or even hurt our baby if given the opportunity (I could totally see her taking a pistol and shooting any of us, that's how deranged she is). But eventually I realized that there was nothing I could do to change her, so I just had to accept things as they were and leave them in God's hands. As I mentioned earlier, we haven't spoken to her in almost 2 years. I have not missed anything, and I no longer feel bad about it. She is clearly in the wrong and yet refuses to see it, so my conscience is clear in that respect. 

Now, I do struggle with praying for her. I have always struggled with praying for my enemies (and my husband and I, being former members of the multi-million-dollar horse industry, have lots of enemies). I feel (however uncharitable) that it is her own fault that she has driven away anyone and everyone who could ever feel a shred of sympathy for her, and that if she has no one to pray for her, that is entirely her fault and she will get exactly what she deserves. After all, she should receive some kind of justice for all the pain and sorrow she inflicted upon her innocent children and grandchildren.
St. Joseph, Terror of Demons, Pillar of Families, Glory of Domestic Life, Pray for Us!

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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#15
(12-17-2020, 01:13 PM)Fontevrault Wrote: We went through this same issue two years ago with Pilgrim's parents.  It was a horrible experience and one we never wanted.  It boiled down to his parents' lack of a desire to see their son as an adult and an independent person capable of making his own choices and taking care of his family.  Things were said that were shameful.  They attacked our faith (which they do not support), or choices for our family, and even the number of children we have (suggesting it would be better if we hadn't had our last one).  In the end, we simply told them we refuse to fight with them and that if they could behave nicely and discuss something else, then we would be happy to see them . . . but if they could not, then we had best not visit.  They moved away (to a different state) and my mother-in-law subsequently died.  When Pilgrim reached out to his father, he was told not to bother and that he was at fault for her death.   The whole thing is ludicrous because his mother had been in a wheel chair the entire time I've known her (over 20 years) and had been ill for 46.  I'm not entirely certain when she lost the ability to walk but I think Pilgrim was a child when it happened.  Anyway, we pray for them and hope that one day Pilgrim's father might renew contact, but we just aren't going to put ourselves or our children through any more.  

In retrospect, I had pushed Pilgrim closer to his parents and tried to include them when he was more lukewarm to the idea.  Perhaps that was wrong, but I see family as super important and wanted to create more connections.  That ended up backfiring.  

This is a long way of saying cutting off contact is something that has painful consequences and leaves scars - not matter how it is done.  I feel pained by the whole mess and will probably do so for years to come.  Pilgrim feels terrible pain and has been reevaluating his entire experience of his parents with eyes opened to the weird variety of emotional abuse he has suffered.  I'm not sure, but I do think he has forgiven them - just not forgotten.  There's a lot of pain still left to process.  

I would say one more thing: your first priority must be protecting and teaching your children.  That obligation is paramount.  If you must, that includes protecting them from toxic grandparents.  It will hurt, but it is necessary to put your children's welfare first.

I am so sorry to hear all of this. This is the sort of thing I was dreading. I have been shocked and confused by my MIL’s behavior because I too place tremendous importance on family. I had wonderful relationships with all my grandparents and was the favorite granddaughter. Especially after having lost my last living grandparent this year, it pains me that we could separate my son from one of his grandmothers, yet she is not a good woman. I just... don’t want her around my son. At all, unfortunately.
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#16
I could write a book. Feel free to pm me.
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#17
We get cards (Christmas) to my husband only. Enough said...our kids are my kids so they are left out too.

We just pray for her.
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#18
(12-16-2020, 12:34 AM)The Fairy Wrote:
(12-15-2020, 11:58 PM)Elle19 Wrote: My husband has finally convinced me that it’s time to severely restrict—even completely cut off—contact with his mother. Over the last five years, this woman has been cruel to us, despite us bending over backwards to please her. But now we have a child and do not want her influencing our son. She is immoral. She does not respect our marriage or our parenting choices. Has anyone ever had to do something like this? How did you handle it? I am now struggling with the cumulative hurt, and trying to forgive her.

Not exactly in the same situation as yours. But pleople - lay catholics and priests - told me that cutting contact, or restrain contact is an act of love (in the case of toxic relations). 

Hope you and your family finds a way

Completely agree with setting up strict boundaries as being an act of love.  God may want to work on your MIL, His way, and removing yourselves from a toxic environment is most likely a must.  I am not married but am certainly experiencing a parallel with my parents.  I am working on leaving and starting over and I seriously doubt there will be much, if any, contact with them, for a very long time and for the very reasons you stated for regarding your MIL.  God Bless!!
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#19
(02-26-2021, 06:59 PM)AnaCarolina1 Wrote: We get cards (Christmas) to my husband only. Enough said...our kids are my kids so they are left out too.

We just pray for her.

My father-in-law sends cards to the children but does not acknowledge his own son.  We throw the cards in the trash and say nothing.  We are thinking of sending them back marked "RETURN TO SENDER."
Adoption, Home School, and Catholic Family Life:  StolenPears.com
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#20
(02-26-2021, 06:59 PM)AnaCarolina1 Wrote: We get cards (Christmas) to my husband only. Enough said...our kids are my kids so they are left out too.

We just pray for her.
Did I mention that my husband  and I share the same kids? Biut since I'm mom, only he gets the card.

 I'm fit her daughter is a cow and have been hated for this. I went to her daughter s shower and home with a gift.  She sent a card 7 month s after my first born with 10.00 and I sent it back.
Then I was accused of being money hungry. We had a conversation. Lol.
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