Confusion and need of advice
#21
(04-04-2021, 06:09 PM)Macksbeard Wrote:
(04-04-2021, 12:12 PM)Anon777 Wrote:
(04-04-2021, 09:52 AM)Evangelium Wrote: I recommend that you read Searching for and Maintaining Peace: A Small Treaise on Peace of Heart, by Fr. Jacques Philippe.  Anything by him is helpful.
Thank you very much. I will do this. Thank you! I have been very lost in my faith. I am not real read, in part I think it is because a lot of it is abstract and I have trouble with abstract thought. It is like hearing a joke and not getting it, even when it is explained to you. I want to love God, but I do not have much faith in myself. I have low self esteem and I am afraid if I try to get higher self esteem that I will be prideful. The modern world stopped making sense a long time ago. But I will see what I can do.

Listen to Ripperger's video above.  The problem isn't that you have low self esteem, but that this low self esteem actually masks a form of pride, hence, the Litany of Humility being one of the recommendations to spiritually-correct this.

You can think of the rules of discernment as learning the predictable 'attack patterns' of video game enemies.

With the 'abstract thought' comment, the problem is that you might be reading books aimed at Contemplation, not Meditation.  We go through three Spiritual 'Ages' in our Journey towards God, and in the first age, we reach out to God through our prayer through these stages (Vocal Prayer, Meditation, Affective Prayer, The Prayer of Simplicity).  You can think of it as 'levelling up' in a video game.  After that, God will remove your ability to Meditate, and Prayer turns into Contemplation - God will initiate prayer with you, not anything you do yourself - through another 5 levels of growth.

These five stages are much more abstract, but, also understand this:  God will connect to you via your Intuitive Intellect - the Holy Spirit infused knowledge directly in your Spiritual Soul via Contemplation.  This doesn't rely on your ability to reason.

So, you're in the Purgative Way, or the 'Spiritual Childhood' of a Beginner.  You need very simple, meat and bones instruction of what to do where you are.

I would suggest this classic Formation Text -meaning it has been a staple of seminaries for over 100 years -  'The Spiritual Life', by Tanquerey.  It's very much a 'car manual' style of writing.

https://archive.org/details/TanquereySpiritualLife/page/n75/mode/2up

The bibliography is listing the knowledge of the Saints the book is built upon.  You don't need to read the introduction, which is abstract theology.  Jump ahead to 'First Part - Principles' and begin there.  This can function as Catechesis for you.  This will offer you clear signposts of what you are attempting to do in your journey.

After you finish that first section, you would then focus on 'Book One - The Purgative Way of Beginners' and it will clearly instruct you on, as I said - what to do where you are.

As for your mistrust of people, this is known as a Psychological Wounds.  Demons like to pick at these to keep us in confusion and turmoil, generating emotional reactions in us, (since they have access to the Animal Soul, where our emotions reside).  You mention how your rage flares up.  Note that they do not have access to our Spiritual Soul, which is where God connects with us during Contemplation.  Fr Ripperger has videos on Wounds, I'd suggest looking them up on Youtube.  You want to close and repair these wounds, so the Demons no longer have access.  That book will mention 'mortification':  this is acting contrary to your impulses.  Your emotions want to overeat chocolate cake:  you force your will to say no to that desire.

What I would ask you to do is mortify your mistrust and fear of other people.  Fear, in particular, is an emotion used by demons to derail you.  There's healthy fear, sure, but there's also unrealistic and psychologically-damaging fear.  Ignore your thoughts of the Latin Mass for the moment:  God doesn't want you following the Letter of the Law believing it will make you Holy - this is what the Pharisees did, and St Paul clearly states the Law was cursed - particularly if it overrides the Spirit of the Law: Love one another as I have loved you.

I would ask you to use this prayer every time your thoughts are telling you to stay away from people:

"Father, I forgive n. in your name, and I ask you to bring down your blessings upon them."  n. would be anyone who is particularly upsetting you at that moment, or you could just say 'others' in a general sense.

What you are doing is making the choice of the will to mortify that emotion.  Even if you're not initially feeling it, 'fake it til you make it.'  This will soon become a Holy Habit.

Given that the Melancholic Temperament arises because we hold onto injuries from others for a long time - even years - and stew on them, mortifying this instinct will be part of pulling spiritually-reparing your melancholia.
Thank you...SO MUCH. Also another question: about low self esteem how do I combat it?

Edit: oh stupid me! You explained it.
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#22
Boy this thread is like looking into a mirror. Anon I was feeling the same way you were a couple months ago, despair over how little I know and fear of making the wrong choice (part of the reason I avoid sede discussion, it's just beyond me atm). Most everyone's already given fantastic specific advice, but in case you're still feeling bad I'll add a couple things that helped me.

First, do NOT keep obsessing over how many are/going to hell. Horrible and faithless as things may seem at times, it will erode your faith to focus on the negative like that. If it still bothers you then keep in mind that we cannot definitely say who exactly is in hell, even those outside of communion with the Church. 

Secondly, I've found that when God seems absent it turns out to not be abandonment at all. On the contrary, it is a test to see how well you can do on your own not dissimilar to a father letting his child take off training wheels. Keep praying and you'll find that familiar feeling returning after some time.

Thirdly, He will not hold you responsible for things completely outside your control. If you can't make it to a TLM, don't beat yourself up over it. Though it is rather rare there can be devout men and women in the NO parishes. The priest I chiefly confess to is NO and while I care rather little for the mass he says his advice has been invaluable to me. It could be a gamble with your local priest but remember that if he gives you ambiguous advice you do have good resources here to check with. 

Finally, if you have autism and it's not being treated you will need to keep it in mind anytime you're reflecting on your sins. I don't know your precise situation so it's next to impossible to give good health advice. I only had a minor case of OCD which exacerbated my scrupulosity a ton but I eventually mastered it. On the other hand, autism can be seriously debilitating. If you're still finding it impossible to find some semblance of peace you may need a professional. I'd advise doing this only AFTER you consult with a priest and find it's still a problem, as many psychiatrists like to prescribe unneeded medication.

I hope some of this helped. Above all, remember that God wants you be with Him above everything else. If you keep trying your best, He will never let you fail in the end.
With no king to rule me I owe my fealty only to God.
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#23
I'm sorry for the wounds you experienced during your upbringing.  This is why it is important to work on forgiving all those who have hurt you, so your anger and bitterness doesn't stop charity growing in your heart.

Fr Gabriele Amorth was the Chief Exorcist at the Vatican for man years.  His 'Prayer for Inner Healing' has great power against the demons, and I would suggest you add this to your daily prayer routine.

Prayer for Inner Healing

Lord Jesus, Thou came to heal our wounded and troubled hearts. I beg Thee to heal the torments that cause anxiety in my heart; I beg Thee, in a particular way, to heal all who are the cause of sin. I beg Thee to come into my life and heal me of the psychological harms that struck me in my early years and from the injuries that they caused through my life.

Lord Jesus, Thou knows my burdens. I lay them all on Thy Good Shepherd’s Heart. I beseech Thee – by the merits of the great, open wound in Thy heart-to heal the small wounds that are in mine. Heal the pain of my memories, so that nothing that has happened to me will cause me to remain in pain and anguish, filled with anxiety.

Heal, O Lord, all those wounds that have been the cause of all the evil that is rooted in my life. I want to forgive all those who have offended me. Look to those inner sores that make me unable to forgive. Thou Who came to forgive the afflicted of heart, please, heal my own heart.

Heal, my Lord Jesus, those intimate wounds that cause me physical illness. I offer Thee my heart. Accept it, Lord, purify it and give me the sentiments of Thy Divine Heart. Help me to be meek and humble.

Heal me, O Lord, from the pain caused by the death of my loved ones, which is oppressing me. Grant me to regain peace and joy in the knowledge that Thou art the Resurrection and the Life. Make me an authentic witness to Thy Resurrection, Thy victory over sin and death, Thy living presence among us. Amen.


------------

Ok, If you can be honest here, I'd appreciate it.  I'm not interested in judging sins - we're all sinners - but getting the mess cleaned up.  I'd ask two questions:

1) Are you aware of any Freemasonic involvement in your family line?

2) During your power-seeking, atheist period, did you ever experiment with magick, new age, or the occult, or make any kind of deal with a spirit for power?
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#24
Anon, I've read more of your posts elsewhere, and I would say with certainty that you are not a Melancholic, you're a Choleric.  You anger quickly and hang onto the anger for a long time.  The melancholic angers slowly and hangs onto the anger for a long time.  An untempered Choleric looks like this according to both Jordan Aumann and Chad Ripperger:

"The Choleric despises his fellow man. To his mind others are ignorant, weak, unskilled, slow, at least when compared to himself. He shows his contempt of his neighbor by despising, mocking belittling remarks about others and by his proud behaviour toward those around him, especially towards his subjects."

... which is describing a Choleric friend of mine to a T.

Their paraphrased comments on how to combat this Temperament: practice Humility, which will temper both pride and anger; and also practice meekness, which is contrary to anger.

Work on developing kindness and charity, you can start by humbling yourself before those around you and asking for direction, such as the Priest in question, rather than relying on yourself, otherwise your tendency is 'to forge ahead on your own, whilst lacking the intellectual direction necessary to do so.'  You can be considered of having some form of self-inflicted mental illness - Cholerics can be bitter and very difficult to be around for other people.  I have great patience with my friend, because I understand few people would be able to put up with him.  As such, whilst it's important to ask others for help you need to understand they're showing you charity and patience when interacting with you and to be grateful for that.  Rather than being self-obsessed, focus your attention outwards to other people, but do so under the direction of a Priest.

For Humility:

- foster a devotion to the sacred heart
- read the litany of humility daily
- accept your humiliations rather than getting angry - 'offer them up patiently'
- meditate on the suffering your choleric actions cause others
- meditate on the passion or a book of meditations on humility

This book is cheap.  Do a search on 'Lectio Divina' for how to read a book like this.

https://www.amazon.com/Humility-Heart-Ca...0895557665

This is all to tame the negative qualities of the Choleric.  Correctly ordered, the positive qualities make you the Holiest Temperament and capable of amazing things for God.  Whilst St Peter was a Sanguine, St Paul was a Choleric.  Don't think you can't undergo a similar conversion of heart and become a new man through some efforts at mortification. I can no longer call myself a true Melancholic.

For you, I'd be wary of both Conspiracy Theory and taking unwarranted pride in Traditionalism, because this can easily turn a mindset of "I'm part of an elite group, I have spiritual knowledge the masses lack, and we're the only one who will get to heaven."  Which is the heresy of Gnosticism.
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#25
(04-06-2021, 10:51 PM)Macksbeard Wrote: Anon, I've read more of your posts elsewhere, and I would say with certainty that you are not a Melancholic, you're a Choleric.  You anger quickly and hang onto the anger for a long time.  The melancholic angers slowly and hangs onto the anger for a long time.  An untempered Choleric looks like this according to both Jordan Aumann and Chad Ripperger:

"The Choleric despises his fellow man. To his mind others are ignorant, weak, unskilled, slow, at least when compared to himself. He shows his contempt of his neighbor by despising, mocking belittling remarks about others and by his proud behaviour toward those around him, especially towards his subjects."

... which is describing a Choleric friend of mine to a T.

Their paraphrased comments on how to combat this Temperament: practice Humility, which will temper both pride and anger; and also practice meekness, which is contrary to anger.

Work on developing kindness and charity, you can start by humbling yourself before those around you and asking for direction, such as the Priest in question, rather than relying on yourself, otherwise your tendency is 'to forge ahead on your own, whilst lacking the intellectual direction necessary to do so.'  You can be considered of having some form of self-inflicted mental illness - Cholerics can be bitter and very difficult to be around for other people.  I have great patience with my friend, because I understand few people would be able to put up with him.  As such, whilst it's important to ask others for help you need to understand they're showing you charity and patience when interacting with you and to be grateful for that.  Rather than being self-obsessed, focus your attention outwards to other people, but do so under the direction of a Priest.

For Humility:

- foster a devotion to the sacred heart
- read the litany of humility daily
- accept your humiliations rather than getting angry - 'offer them up patiently'
- meditate on the suffering your choleric actions cause others
- meditate on the passion or a book of meditations on humility

This book is cheap.  Do a search on 'Lectio Divina' for how to read a book like this.

https://www.amazon.com/Humility-Heart-Ca...0895557665

This is all to tame the negative qualities of the Choleric.  Correctly ordered, the positive qualities make you the Holiest Temperament and capable of amazing things for God.  Whilst St Peter was a Sanguine, St Paul was a Choleric.  Don't think you can't undergo a similar conversion of heart and become a new man through some efforts at mortification.  I can no longer call myself a true Melancholic.

For you, I'd be wary of both Conspiracy Theory and taking unwarranted pride in Traditionalism, because this can easily turn a mindset of "I'm part of an elite group, I have spiritual knowledge the masses lack, and we're the only one who will get to heaven."  Which is the heresy of Gnosticism.
I took the temperamental test that this site has, and it shows I am melancholic. GRANTED, people rarely if ever are all one temperament. I am deeply grieved by the evils of the world and I often think that the worst is yet to come. Maybe I am a bit of a choleric. Because I noticed that I forgive a wrong easily, but if i am wronged many times it build up. Another thing is speaking the word of God. It is not that I don't want to, I am afraid it won't do any good because no one will listen. For example, I have told my parent to clean their language but they keep doing it. I am not afraid of dying to speak the truth. I am afraid no one will understand or care. Apathy...I hate apathy.
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#26
(04-07-2021, 10:10 AM)Anon777 Wrote:
(04-06-2021, 10:51 PM)Macksbeard Wrote: Anon, I've read more of your posts elsewhere, and I would say with certainty that you are not a Melancholic, you're a Choleric.  You anger quickly and hang onto the anger for a long time.  The melancholic angers slowly and hangs onto the anger for a long time.  An untempered Choleric looks like this according to both Jordan Aumann and Chad Ripperger:

"The Choleric despises his fellow man. To his mind others are ignorant, weak, unskilled, slow, at least when compared to himself. He shows his contempt of his neighbor by despising, mocking belittling remarks about others and by his proud behaviour toward those around him, especially towards his subjects."

... which is describing a Choleric friend of mine to a T.

Their paraphrased comments on how to combat this Temperament: practice Humility, which will temper both pride and anger; and also practice meekness, which is contrary to anger.

Work on developing kindness and charity, you can start by humbling yourself before those around you and asking for direction, such as the Priest in question, rather than relying on yourself, otherwise your tendency is 'to forge ahead on your own, whilst lacking the intellectual direction necessary to do so.'  You can be considered of having some form of self-inflicted mental illness - Cholerics can be bitter and very difficult to be around for other people.  I have great patience with my friend, because I understand few people would be able to put up with him.  As such, whilst it's important to ask others for help you need to understand they're showing you charity and patience when interacting with you and to be grateful for that.  Rather than being self-obsessed, focus your attention outwards to other people, but do so under the direction of a Priest.

For Humility:

- foster a devotion to the sacred heart
- read the litany of humility daily
- accept your humiliations rather than getting angry - 'offer them up patiently'
- meditate on the suffering your choleric actions cause others
- meditate on the passion or a book of meditations on humility

This book is cheap.  Do a search on 'Lectio Divina' for how to read a book like this.

https://www.amazon.com/Humility-Heart-Ca...0895557665

This is all to tame the negative qualities of the Choleric.  Correctly ordered, the positive qualities make you the Holiest Temperament and capable of amazing things for God.  Whilst St Peter was a Sanguine, St Paul was a Choleric.  Don't think you can't undergo a similar conversion of heart and become a new man through some efforts at mortification.  I can no longer call myself a true Melancholic.

For you, I'd be wary of both Conspiracy Theory and taking unwarranted pride in Traditionalism, because this can easily turn a mindset of "I'm part of an elite group, I have spiritual knowledge the masses lack, and we're the only one who will get to heaven."  Which is the heresy of Gnosticism.
I took the temperamental test that this site has, and it shows I am melancholic. GRANTED, people rarely if ever are all one temperament. I am deeply grieved by the evils of the world and I often think that the worst is yet to come. Maybe I am a bit of a choleric. Because I noticed that I forgive a wrong easily, but if i am wronged many times it build up. Another thing is speaking the word of God. It is not that I don't want to, I am afraid it won't do any good because no one will listen. For example, I have told my parent to clean their language but they keep doing it. I am not afraid of dying to speak the truth. I am afraid no one will understand or care. Apathy...I hate apathy.


I have recently been battling with Acedia/spiritual sloth.  Also called "the noon day devil". I describe it as feeling like "what's the point?"  It sounds like you may be suffering from this a bit as well.  I called a trusted friend and asked her to pray for me because I was struggling with this.  She told me to clean my kitchen and have my husband pray over me with his authority.  It has helped me quite a bit.  I still battle it - but recognize it for what it is.
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#27
(04-07-2021, 10:10 AM)Anon777 Wrote:
(04-06-2021, 10:51 PM)Macksbeard Wrote: For Humility:

- foster a devotion to the sacred heart
- read the litany of humility daily
- accept your humiliations rather than getting angry - 'offer them up patiently'
- meditate on the suffering your choleric actions cause others
- meditate on the passion or a book of meditations on humility

This book is cheap.  Do a search on 'Lectio Divina' for how to read a book like this.

https://www.amazon.com/Humility-Heart-Ca...0895557665
I took the temperamental test that this site has, and it shows I am melancholic. GRANTED, people rarely if ever are all one temperament. I am deeply grieved by the evils of the world and I often think that the worst is yet to come. Maybe I am a bit of a choleric. Because I noticed that I forgive a wrong easily, but if i am wronged many times it build up. Another thing is speaking the word of God. It is not that I don't want to, I am afraid it won't do any good because no one will listen. For example, I have told my parent to clean their language but they keep doing it. I am not afraid of dying to speak the truth. I am afraid no one will understand or care. Apathy...I hate apathy.

The "Litany of Humility" in post #18 is exceptional.  You will only profit by incorporating that into your daily prayer rule.  It may work on you slowly, but it does work on you.  And you also can't go wrong with "Humility of Heart", linked above.  There are free copies available on line if you can't afford to buy it.  I can't speak highly enough of it!
“But all will be well, and all will be well, and every kind of thing will be well.” ~Julian of Norwich

"Sometimes you're the windshield.  Sometimes you're the bug."~Mark Knopfler (?)

"No matter who you are somebody thinks you're a heretic. Wear it like a badge of honor........... :LOL:"~Silouan
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#28
(04-07-2021, 10:45 AM)CatholicMamato5 Wrote:
(04-07-2021, 10:10 AM)Anon777 Wrote:
(04-06-2021, 10:51 PM)Macksbeard Wrote: Anon, I've read more of your posts elsewhere, and I would say with certainty that you are not a Melancholic, you're a Choleric.  You anger quickly and hang onto the anger for a long time.  The melancholic angers slowly and hangs onto the anger for a long time.  An untempered Choleric looks like this according to both Jordan Aumann and Chad Ripperger:

"The Choleric despises his fellow man. To his mind others are ignorant, weak, unskilled, slow, at least when compared to himself. He shows his contempt of his neighbor by despising, mocking belittling remarks about others and by his proud behaviour toward those around him, especially towards his subjects."

... which is describing a Choleric friend of mine to a T.

Their paraphrased comments on how to combat this Temperament: practice Humility, which will temper both pride and anger; and also practice meekness, which is contrary to anger.

Work on developing kindness and charity, you can start by humbling yourself before those around you and asking for direction, such as the Priest in question, rather than relying on yourself, otherwise your tendency is 'to forge ahead on your own, whilst lacking the intellectual direction necessary to do so.'  You can be considered of having some form of self-inflicted mental illness - Cholerics can be bitter and very difficult to be around for other people.  I have great patience with my friend, because I understand few people would be able to put up with him.  As such, whilst it's important to ask others for help you need to understand they're showing you charity and patience when interacting with you and to be grateful for that.  Rather than being self-obsessed, focus your attention outwards to other people, but do so under the direction of a Priest.

For Humility:

- foster a devotion to the sacred heart
- read the litany of humility daily
- accept your humiliations rather than getting angry - 'offer them up patiently'
- meditate on the suffering your choleric actions cause others
- meditate on the passion or a book of meditations on humility

This book is cheap.  Do a search on 'Lectio Divina' for how to read a book like this.

https://www.amazon.com/Humility-Heart-Ca...0895557665

This is all to tame the negative qualities of the Choleric.  Correctly ordered, the positive qualities make you the Holiest Temperament and capable of amazing things for God.  Whilst St Peter was a Sanguine, St Paul was a Choleric.  Don't think you can't undergo a similar conversion of heart and become a new man through some efforts at mortification.  I can no longer call myself a true Melancholic.

For you, I'd be wary of both Conspiracy Theory and taking unwarranted pride in Traditionalism, because this can easily turn a mindset of "I'm part of an elite group, I have spiritual knowledge the masses lack, and we're the only one who will get to heaven."  Which is the heresy of Gnosticism.
I took the temperamental test that this site has, and it shows I am melancholic. GRANTED, people rarely if ever are all one temperament. I am deeply grieved by the evils of the world and I often think that the worst is yet to come. Maybe I am a bit of a choleric. Because I noticed that I forgive a wrong easily, but if i am wronged many times it build up. Another thing is speaking the word of God. It is not that I don't want to, I am afraid it won't do any good because no one will listen. For example, I have told my parent to clean their language but they keep doing it. I am not afraid of dying to speak the truth. I am afraid no one will understand or care. Apathy...I hate apathy.


I have recently been battling with Acedia/spiritual sloth.  Also called "the noon day devil". I describe it as feeling like "what's the point?"  It sounds like you may be suffering from this a bit as well.  I called a trusted friend and asked her to pray for me because I was struggling with this.  She told me to clean my kitchen and have my husband pray over me with his authority.  It has helped me quite a bit.  I still battle it - but recognize it for what it is.
YES! I am prone to acedia, another reason showing my melancholic. In general, I am not an energetic person except when I am excited about something. I have been trying to break my computer habit for a while. My issue is that, if I were NOT using the computer...I would literally be sitting in my room doing... nothing. Ever since I found my faith, life has lost its savor really. Because it is not Him. He has given me an indescribable...peace, that foes not go even when I am sad. The things I used to enjoy pale in comparison to Him, because it is not Him. The only thing things that I still have some interest is military...and food. Even then, it is not like it used to be. As a kid, the world used to exciting and full of wonder. I just wish to be with Him, but for now I must bide my time. I don't really enjoy the world anymore. It is not Him. Even the computer most days, bores me. : /

Someone could offer me a bunch of Gold.  And I would use it for good, but I would not enjoy it. Gold is little different to than paper TBH. : [


Also I was not specifically talking about my slothfulness ( which I will admit I am) but the world's apathy. Or I should phrase it better, tolerance over apathy. Getting along just to get along. I was asked what I was thought about those of other faith particularly the Bahaii faith, and I think I flubbed it, because I tried saying something about every religion being a dartboard or something where some get it close to the mark (sedevacantism) to some being SO far off that you poke your eye out. (Satanism) I tried to explain to people but it came off I think wishy washy. Truth is, this 'tolerance'..this 'indifference,  or 'getting along just to get along' is hard (at least for me) to combat, because (almost) no matter what you say or do, you lose and seen as 'oppressive' or a 'tyrannical' 'or hateful' or 'bigoted' is just for saying that few are saved, that there is no salvation outside the Church of Christ. The deception of 'tolerance' and getting is so...seductive...and appealing and is DEEPLY entrenched in society today. It is almost like a terminal illness, the only other thing I can think that compares is the appeal that Marxism/socialism/liberalism has on many. Sometimes...I think the only way people will wake up is a large crisis of some sort, like total economic collapse or war, because society has been lulled into a sort of 'stupor' that preaching and evangelizing can only do little because they do not understand. For me, I became disillusioned with such thinking...I could not understand how we could all be right, and that there is no absolute truth, that nothing is certain. 


To me, the only real way society will wake up is when everything is taken away... like in the Babylonian captivity...that the people need to be stripped bare of everything they hold dear and face the music, as they say. IOW chastisement. : /


A good example of this happened a few months back down in South America (don't remember where) There were a bunch a  leftist feminists that were marching in support of abortion. The bishop threatened to excommunicate them. Did they repent? Did they turn to contrition? NO! They cheered and ASKED him, even DEMANDED... that he excommunicate them. Alas, He did not. HOW DO YOU SPREAD THE WORD OF GOD IN A SOCIETY THAT DOES NOT CARE? St Faustina said that the greatest pain of the Lord is reaching the hearts of the lukewarm....because they are SO HARD to reach. For me, I listened, because I tuned to him in crisis and was lifted out of my filthy pit. I will try to lead by example, and if someone is interested in the faith I will be very happy to help them where I can, but to me, spreading the gospel to the masses at large is inadequate for now. But what do I know?
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