examination of my conscience and dreams and a running theme.
#1
I am doing the CoE on the site and it said to examine my dreams among other things. So I thought about it...and a common theme in my dreams is I will be traveling somewhere mainly on a road, and I will be passing towns trying to get home...but I never do before I wake up. Another thing that is common is violence. I remember one dream where I was tasked with taking out a madman huddled inside a bunker, and I remember the bullets he fired tore through the concrete of the bunker like it was nothing. That combined with something that has haunted me for years and I had lied to myself, and why I am big into guns and military stuff as I have been. I was bullied relentlessly in middle school, and I remember the event that started me down that dark road: A mock school election. I had been bullied before, but not like this. It was the election of '08...and I had no idea who to vote for, so I asked Pa and he said Mccain, because he had a good running mate. I was bullied so relentlessly because of it, I began to feel anger . What had I done to deserve this? I began to feel hatred for people. DEEP...hatred. The first person I ever wanted to make them 'smart' was an English teacher who let students bully me without doing anything to stop it and even joined in their laughing.  I became paranoid and developed a whole "militancy" complex...as a shield. I cannot remember when...IT...started to appear in my imagination...but I remember IT...being green at first...before developing into a PITCH BLACK. I call it IT, because there was no name to fit...IT. IT...was a tall humanoid figure...usually 8-10 feet tall...but could increase in size and reach leviathan proportions. IT looked like a well built man in heavy body armor armed with a heavy assault rifle or LMG, which could tear through anything really. It was a being of UNSPEAKABLE...cruelty and violence, and could raise ENDLESS copies o. The figure dogged my mind for much of my youth until the winter in 2018, when I found God. Just thinking about IT...brings a great reluctance to my mind... 

Point is...ever since then, and even after IT...left my life...I still see the world as a warzone, and people as obstacles and threats. I no longer hate them and love them...I still find them terrifying in the sense of how...corruptive people can be. The Little Flower said, if you should fear anyone...it is bad Catholics. I however...tend to fear people in general. There was once a Chinese priest who escaped martyrdom in china during the Cultural Revolution, and he came to America, where... little by little...he lost his faith by being around "Nice" and "Good" people. America did to this priest what the Godless Commies failed to do. That is why I fear being around people in part, and why I obsess over militancy...because I want the corruption to STAY AS FAR AWAY from me as possible. Just having a large arsenal will keep people away...which is the point....though I AM warming up to others...I still tend to distrust people as I am wary of being...infected with who-knows-what cancer that society dregs up from its wretched bowels.
"If we do not supply the chains, who will chain the supplies?"

Karl Marx I PROMISE it will work this time Vol 3


"Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!"

A German...possibly
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#2
(07-31-2021, 07:58 PM)Anon777 Wrote: I am doing the CoE on the site and it said to examine my dreams among other things. So I thought about it...and a common theme in my dreams is I will be traveling somewhere mainly on a road, and I will be passing towns trying to get home...but I never do before I wake up. Another thing that is common is violence. I remember one dream where I was tasked with taking out a madman huddled inside a bunker, and I remember the bullets he fired tore through the concrete of the bunker like it was nothing. That combined with something that has haunted me for years and I had lied to myself, and why I am big into guns and military stuff as I have been. I was bullied relentlessly in middle school, and I remember the event that started me down that dark road: A mock school election. I had been bullied before, but not like this. It was the election of '08...and I had no idea who to vote for, so I asked Pa and he said Mccain, because he had a good running mate. I was bullied so relentlessly because of it, I began to feel anger . What had I done to deserve this? I began to feel hatred for people. DEEP...hatred. The first person I ever wanted to make them 'smart' was an English teacher who let students bully me without doing anything to stop it and even joined in their laughing.  I became paranoid and developed a whole "militancy" complex...as a shield. I cannot remember when...IT...started to appear in my imagination...but I remember IT...being green at first...before developing into a PITCH BLACK. I call it IT, because there was no name to fit...IT. IT...was a tall humanoid figure...usually 8-10 feet tall...but could increase in size and reach leviathan proportions. IT looked like a well built man in heavy body armor armed with a heavy assault rifle or LMG, which could tear through anything really. It was a being of UNSPEAKABLE...cruelty and violence, and could raise ENDLESS copies o. The figure dogged my mind for much of my youth until the winter in 2018, when I found God. Just thinking about IT...brings a great reluctance to my mind... 

Point is...ever since then, and even after IT...left my life...I still see the world as a warzone, and people as obstacles and threats. I no longer hate them and love them...I still find them terrifying in the sense of how...corruptive people can be. The Little Flower said, if you should fear anyone...it is bad Catholics. I however...tend to fear people in general. There was once a Chinese priest who escaped martyrdom in china during the Cultural Revolution, and he came to America, where... little by little...he lost his faith by being around "Nice" and "Good" people. America did to this priest what the Godless Commies failed to do. That is why I fear being around people in part, and why I obsess over militancy...because I want the corruption to STAY AS FAR AWAY from me as possible. Just having a large arsenal will keep people away...which is the point....though I AM warming up to others...I still tend to distrust people as I am wary of being...infected with who-knows-what cancer that society dregs up from its wretched bowels.
I do not know what I should make of this to be honest. Any thoughts?
"If we do not supply the chains, who will chain the supplies?"

Karl Marx I PROMISE it will work this time Vol 3


"Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!"

A German...possibly
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#3
Well in my honest opinion you need to let go of the bulling you suffered. It is poisoning you rather then the bullies.

Yes most people are genuinely nice but some are not.
If you were my son I would take you to a therapist so you gain the knowledge of how to differentiate.

Ana
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#4
(07-31-2021, 08:32 PM)AnaCarolina1 Wrote: Well in my honest opinion you need to let go of the bulling you suffered. It is poisoning you rather then the bullies.

Yes most people are genuinely nice but some are not.
If you were my son I would take you to a therapist so you gain the knowledge of how to differentiate.

Ana
I have forgiven them the bullying when I found the faith. My issue, is that I still see the world in a "bunker" mindset, I am much better to be honest, and have gotten much better over the past few weeks thanks to your guys' prayers. I love the people that hurt me all those years. but I am nervous around people because the longer you are around dogs you are bound to get flees. I am not as militant as I used to be FAR better, but I still see many people as...dangerous in the sense that...if you stay around them too long...you put yourself in danger of losing your faith. Which is WHY I think of building a persona of sorts around myself. Because i fear, Ana...20...30 years down the line...that my faith and love of God will...die...stiffled out by the indifference of the world. One thing that I could not fathom as a conservative, is how everyone could be right yet still disagree on core principles. The concept. I am 98% demilitarized and dropping...but I still fear losing my faith by being around the tepid and lukewarm. I preferred the idea of the militant persona because if people would not get near me...I can keep the stench of tepidity and liberalism away. Truth is, I am a big teddy bear wishing to gives hugs to family...but I REALLY REALLY do not want to be poisoned by tepidity. I fear it...because it is a poison that is hard to come back from. Jesus suffered a lot on the Cross in part trying to reach the lukewarm. I do not want that Ana. Besides, my faith in modern medicine (as with the rest of society) as of late has been a little weak. I love them, but they are dunderheads many of them. : ]

I am also of the opinion that modern therapy like a mental health stuff is mainly whatever is in vogue. There was Kellogg, than Freud, and Jung and whoever the freak they use nowadays. If anything I have found more faith in the good book...and cats. I LIKE cats. : D
"If we do not supply the chains, who will chain the supplies?"

Karl Marx I PROMISE it will work this time Vol 3


"Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!"

A German...possibly
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#5
You are carrying around that mindset. Let it go.
Pray to Our Lady.
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#6
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