Dear Catholic brothers and sisters, I've been wanting to become a nun for a while now. It's been on my mind on and off for a couple of years.
A quick background summary: I live in a (very) secular household, my mother is the only one besides me who is Catholic, but even she is somewhat lukewarm. My father and siblings being, for the most part, atheistic (although the children have all been Baptised, I love you mom). This may come across as harsh and non-Catholic, and believe me I do not hold it against them, but I sometimes resent my parents for not having educated me in the faith properly. If I knew that I could offer myself to God at the age of fifteen as a virgin, I would have been happy. I would have been so much more happier having dedicated my entire life to God at such a young age, than feeling misunderstood, confused and lost as I do now. This is what I resent my parents for; for having robbed me off the chance of completely offering myself up to God when I was still whole and innocent. I know my life would have been so much happier and emotionally fulfilling if I had made that decision right there and then. I don't know if He still considers me pure and chaste, I do hope so and I'm sure the Father does not resent me for giving my life away to a human person instead of Him.
I'll also try to make this introduction of my past life as brief as possible, for I think it is important for context, here goes...
During my dark youth days I fell in love with a guy who didn't appreciate me at all because I felt desperately lonely and had no one else to talk to about my problems. I didn't want my parents to know about my depression or that I was struggling in school. I had a really hard time during my freshman year at college, I was unable to concentrate and felt out-of-place. I had such a hard time "grounding" with my classmates that I just dropped out. It was me, and two other guys on drugs. Heh, guess how that felt... Another blow to my self-esteem. I didn't hold anything against my classmates; it was really all on me... I was unable to connect with anyone. In high school I couldn't wait to go off to college and start a new life, a life where I'd finally belong somewhere, a life where I'd have real friends and lead a normal, teenage life. I'd soon find out that the college I had applied to was anything BUT what I had expected... It was such a huge disappointment, I felt my entire world spinning out of control. Everyone else around me seemed to make friends easily and pass their exams with straight A+s, whereas I was just floating like a plastic bag in the wind.
This is when my life took a turn for the worst. I went to see counselors and therapist to help me, but none of them knew how to deal with a case like me. They probably thought I was some weird girl just seeking attention. I felt I didn't deserve their help, as there were causes out there much worse than mine. Yeah, I felt like a spoiled kid unable to deal with life adversities. Eventually they thought the medications would cure my anxieties, but it left me feeling more numb than before. At that moment I just decided I didn't want to talk to anybody anymore, I was done with all the people in my life because I honestly felt like they didn't care about me or loved me. That's when I severed the only intimate relationships I had. That with my "best" friend and my then boyfriend. One of them only replied with: "You have potential", the other one didn't bother to contact me to ask if I was "okay". It just made me feel even more worthless and stupid. Sure, now looking back, they didn't owe me anything... It was me after all who broke off our relationships, but I really wasn't in the best place and I thought, since we were such good friends... They must try to reach out to me to at least ask if I really wanted to do this? I probably would have said "NO!" and take back everything I had said. But they didn't, and I was left feeling my worthlessness and my own stupidity confirmed. After having made those mistakes I became seriously depressed... To the point where I was contemplating suicide and not wanting to live anymore. Every night I'd break down crying and asking God over and over again why He wouldn't talk to me; to show me a sign that it would be OK. It was silent. Nothing. Many nights, many days I would go on crying out to God... Sometimes silently; sometimes in really loud screaming fits when no one else was around. I just went through life feeling numb, dumb and useless. I only felt some joy when drawing or going for a walk in nature. Those were the only times I felt somewhat good.
During another one of my "depressive" episodes, a Tarot deck that my deceased grandmother had left me fell on the floor. It was like some invisible force had pushed it off my cabinet and wanted to draw me towards it. Before this incident I had never even thought about spirituality; since I've always been told that it's superstitious mambo-jumbo anyway (my father being atheistic.) I picked it up and out of curiosity I began laying down the cards and read the descriptions carefully one-by-one. I was startled at the objectively deep, profound answers the Tarot cards gave me, they seemed to know EXACTLY how my soul felt, something my therapists couldn't do (God bless them, for they have tried!) Soon enough I would be doing readings for families and close relatives. I became completely mesmerized and absorbed in its inner working, leading me towards studying Eastern mysticism and New-Age beliefs in-depth. I didn't even think of Catholicism, or any other religion, as an option. They seemed to institutionalized and dogmatic for my liberal, secular upbringing. I wanted to experience God directly, I wanted Him to answer me and tell me it would be OK directly. The Tarot cards seemed to fill this void. It wasn't until I had re-discovered my Catholic roots that I found out reading Tarot cards was actually a mortal sin. I have already confessed of these sins, and by the power of God, I will never dabble with the occult again.
Fast forward to today, I have actually reconciled with my ex and we've been together for what seems to be twelve year's now. He really showed that he had remorse over the fact that he hadn't shown me appreciation, and now he can't stop spending time with me and telling me how much he loves me. He has truly changed and I now know I can trust him more than anyone. I'm actually learning a lot from him, than the other way around... So in that sense making that decision wasn't all that bad. As for the other one, well, multiple times I have tried to reach out to her and tell her I'm sorry for severing our relationship so abruptly (that must have hurt her a lot, too, and I still cry over this sometimes) but she doesn't seem to really want me back. That's fine, I understand. I still pray for her and wish her the best.
So... How did I become Catholic and why am I considering becoming a nun? Well, I became a Catholic out of family tradition (my grandmother and great-grandmother from my mother's side were exceptional people and devout Catholics), but also because I think it's the most beautiful religion I've ever had the honor and privilege of getting to know. I have never been so touched and moved by anything in my life, even after having studied Eastern mysticism and Qabbalah which claim to offer you a more "direct" experience of God. I think it was also due to my mum's continual prayer and intercession for me that would ultimately lead me back to God's true Church. I also began praying the Rosary and slowly but surely studied more and more about the Catholic faith (Thanks, Mama Mary... I know you've got my back!). I've always intuitively felt, for instance, that sex was a mortal sin (this is why I had always solemnly swore to give my virginity only to my one true love, which I did and I am still happy for... One of the best decisions I made in my life.) Now I have also completely given up on masturbation, something I also intuitively know to be a mortal sin. The only reason why I kept going for so long is because my boyfriend really likes it and I want to please him, but I told him that I don't want to damn my soul to hell. He respect my decision, even though he is not a Catholic himself (yet... anyway, hehe. Please pray for him!) And this is kind of where the problems start...
He is not a Catholic, whereas I am an aspiring devout Catholic. I'm not kidding you when I say I want to become a saint like my grandmother and great-grandmother. I know I am far, far away from reaching that goal and I'd already be happy soul if I made it to Purgatory, but my only desire now is to please God and God alone. It goes as far as me wanting to only marry my boyfriend if he converted to Catholicism and we would have a Catholic wedding and make Catholic babies. He likes the sound of all that, except not for the Catholic part. He is more open to non-dual/Buddhist thinking, and luckily for me he does have a spiritual, thoughtful side, he just doesn't understand Catholicism at all (the concept of Hell and Purgatory seem utterly bizarre to him.) I don't want to give up on him; he definitely has a feeling for it and I keep hoping and praying that he will meet Christ one day. I'm now at a point in my life where I am wondering whether or not I should wait for him to FINALLY embrace Catholicism with me and raise a Catholic family together, or devoting my entire life to God by becoming a nun. It seems quite drastic, I know, but I feel my life has no meaning if I'm not able to give it up for God... I know I have what it takes, I have great self-control, no interest in the outside world whatsoever, and most importantly of all a fervent and burning desire for God. I've always had this, yet I was never able to use these graces to their full potential because my parents never raised me in the faith. How do I reconcile with having a family that is mostly secular and completely weirded out by anything religious or otherwise? They would never support my decision to become a nun. Especially my father... I don't want to give him a heart attack, and somewhere I think that I'd do a better service to God if I simply obeyed him and lead a regular life, with a regular job like everyone else. I don't want to leave my boyfriend because he needs me. How do you know a spiritual vocation is your calling? What to do?
- Sincerely seeking, a wandering baby soul...
PS: Also, I really appreciate this website! It has helped me a lot in learning about my faith better, so thanks for keeping it up and running! 🙂
A quick background summary: I live in a (very) secular household, my mother is the only one besides me who is Catholic, but even she is somewhat lukewarm. My father and siblings being, for the most part, atheistic (although the children have all been Baptised, I love you mom). This may come across as harsh and non-Catholic, and believe me I do not hold it against them, but I sometimes resent my parents for not having educated me in the faith properly. If I knew that I could offer myself to God at the age of fifteen as a virgin, I would have been happy. I would have been so much more happier having dedicated my entire life to God at such a young age, than feeling misunderstood, confused and lost as I do now. This is what I resent my parents for; for having robbed me off the chance of completely offering myself up to God when I was still whole and innocent. I know my life would have been so much happier and emotionally fulfilling if I had made that decision right there and then. I don't know if He still considers me pure and chaste, I do hope so and I'm sure the Father does not resent me for giving my life away to a human person instead of Him.
I'll also try to make this introduction of my past life as brief as possible, for I think it is important for context, here goes...
During my dark youth days I fell in love with a guy who didn't appreciate me at all because I felt desperately lonely and had no one else to talk to about my problems. I didn't want my parents to know about my depression or that I was struggling in school. I had a really hard time during my freshman year at college, I was unable to concentrate and felt out-of-place. I had such a hard time "grounding" with my classmates that I just dropped out. It was me, and two other guys on drugs. Heh, guess how that felt... Another blow to my self-esteem. I didn't hold anything against my classmates; it was really all on me... I was unable to connect with anyone. In high school I couldn't wait to go off to college and start a new life, a life where I'd finally belong somewhere, a life where I'd have real friends and lead a normal, teenage life. I'd soon find out that the college I had applied to was anything BUT what I had expected... It was such a huge disappointment, I felt my entire world spinning out of control. Everyone else around me seemed to make friends easily and pass their exams with straight A+s, whereas I was just floating like a plastic bag in the wind.
This is when my life took a turn for the worst. I went to see counselors and therapist to help me, but none of them knew how to deal with a case like me. They probably thought I was some weird girl just seeking attention. I felt I didn't deserve their help, as there were causes out there much worse than mine. Yeah, I felt like a spoiled kid unable to deal with life adversities. Eventually they thought the medications would cure my anxieties, but it left me feeling more numb than before. At that moment I just decided I didn't want to talk to anybody anymore, I was done with all the people in my life because I honestly felt like they didn't care about me or loved me. That's when I severed the only intimate relationships I had. That with my "best" friend and my then boyfriend. One of them only replied with: "You have potential", the other one didn't bother to contact me to ask if I was "okay". It just made me feel even more worthless and stupid. Sure, now looking back, they didn't owe me anything... It was me after all who broke off our relationships, but I really wasn't in the best place and I thought, since we were such good friends... They must try to reach out to me to at least ask if I really wanted to do this? I probably would have said "NO!" and take back everything I had said. But they didn't, and I was left feeling my worthlessness and my own stupidity confirmed. After having made those mistakes I became seriously depressed... To the point where I was contemplating suicide and not wanting to live anymore. Every night I'd break down crying and asking God over and over again why He wouldn't talk to me; to show me a sign that it would be OK. It was silent. Nothing. Many nights, many days I would go on crying out to God... Sometimes silently; sometimes in really loud screaming fits when no one else was around. I just went through life feeling numb, dumb and useless. I only felt some joy when drawing or going for a walk in nature. Those were the only times I felt somewhat good.
During another one of my "depressive" episodes, a Tarot deck that my deceased grandmother had left me fell on the floor. It was like some invisible force had pushed it off my cabinet and wanted to draw me towards it. Before this incident I had never even thought about spirituality; since I've always been told that it's superstitious mambo-jumbo anyway (my father being atheistic.) I picked it up and out of curiosity I began laying down the cards and read the descriptions carefully one-by-one. I was startled at the objectively deep, profound answers the Tarot cards gave me, they seemed to know EXACTLY how my soul felt, something my therapists couldn't do (God bless them, for they have tried!) Soon enough I would be doing readings for families and close relatives. I became completely mesmerized and absorbed in its inner working, leading me towards studying Eastern mysticism and New-Age beliefs in-depth. I didn't even think of Catholicism, or any other religion, as an option. They seemed to institutionalized and dogmatic for my liberal, secular upbringing. I wanted to experience God directly, I wanted Him to answer me and tell me it would be OK directly. The Tarot cards seemed to fill this void. It wasn't until I had re-discovered my Catholic roots that I found out reading Tarot cards was actually a mortal sin. I have already confessed of these sins, and by the power of God, I will never dabble with the occult again.
Fast forward to today, I have actually reconciled with my ex and we've been together for what seems to be twelve year's now. He really showed that he had remorse over the fact that he hadn't shown me appreciation, and now he can't stop spending time with me and telling me how much he loves me. He has truly changed and I now know I can trust him more than anyone. I'm actually learning a lot from him, than the other way around... So in that sense making that decision wasn't all that bad. As for the other one, well, multiple times I have tried to reach out to her and tell her I'm sorry for severing our relationship so abruptly (that must have hurt her a lot, too, and I still cry over this sometimes) but she doesn't seem to really want me back. That's fine, I understand. I still pray for her and wish her the best.
So... How did I become Catholic and why am I considering becoming a nun? Well, I became a Catholic out of family tradition (my grandmother and great-grandmother from my mother's side were exceptional people and devout Catholics), but also because I think it's the most beautiful religion I've ever had the honor and privilege of getting to know. I have never been so touched and moved by anything in my life, even after having studied Eastern mysticism and Qabbalah which claim to offer you a more "direct" experience of God. I think it was also due to my mum's continual prayer and intercession for me that would ultimately lead me back to God's true Church. I also began praying the Rosary and slowly but surely studied more and more about the Catholic faith (Thanks, Mama Mary... I know you've got my back!). I've always intuitively felt, for instance, that sex was a mortal sin (this is why I had always solemnly swore to give my virginity only to my one true love, which I did and I am still happy for... One of the best decisions I made in my life.) Now I have also completely given up on masturbation, something I also intuitively know to be a mortal sin. The only reason why I kept going for so long is because my boyfriend really likes it and I want to please him, but I told him that I don't want to damn my soul to hell. He respect my decision, even though he is not a Catholic himself (yet... anyway, hehe. Please pray for him!) And this is kind of where the problems start...
He is not a Catholic, whereas I am an aspiring devout Catholic. I'm not kidding you when I say I want to become a saint like my grandmother and great-grandmother. I know I am far, far away from reaching that goal and I'd already be happy soul if I made it to Purgatory, but my only desire now is to please God and God alone. It goes as far as me wanting to only marry my boyfriend if he converted to Catholicism and we would have a Catholic wedding and make Catholic babies. He likes the sound of all that, except not for the Catholic part. He is more open to non-dual/Buddhist thinking, and luckily for me he does have a spiritual, thoughtful side, he just doesn't understand Catholicism at all (the concept of Hell and Purgatory seem utterly bizarre to him.) I don't want to give up on him; he definitely has a feeling for it and I keep hoping and praying that he will meet Christ one day. I'm now at a point in my life where I am wondering whether or not I should wait for him to FINALLY embrace Catholicism with me and raise a Catholic family together, or devoting my entire life to God by becoming a nun. It seems quite drastic, I know, but I feel my life has no meaning if I'm not able to give it up for God... I know I have what it takes, I have great self-control, no interest in the outside world whatsoever, and most importantly of all a fervent and burning desire for God. I've always had this, yet I was never able to use these graces to their full potential because my parents never raised me in the faith. How do I reconcile with having a family that is mostly secular and completely weirded out by anything religious or otherwise? They would never support my decision to become a nun. Especially my father... I don't want to give him a heart attack, and somewhere I think that I'd do a better service to God if I simply obeyed him and lead a regular life, with a regular job like everyone else. I don't want to leave my boyfriend because he needs me. How do you know a spiritual vocation is your calling? What to do?
- Sincerely seeking, a wandering baby soul...
PS: Also, I really appreciate this website! It has helped me a lot in learning about my faith better, so thanks for keeping it up and running! 🙂
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