I want to become a nun...
#1
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Dear Catholic brothers and sisters, I've been wanting to become a nun for a while now. It's been on my mind on and off for a couple of years.

A quick background summary: I live in a (very) secular household, my mother is the only one besides me who is Catholic, but even she is somewhat lukewarm. My father and siblings being, for the most part, atheistic (although the children have all been Baptised, I love you mom). This may come across as harsh and non-Catholic, and believe me I do not hold it against them, but I sometimes resent my parents for not having educated me in the faith properly. If I knew that I could offer myself to God at the age of fifteen as a virgin, I would have been happy. I would have been so much more happier having dedicated my entire life to God at such a young age, than feeling misunderstood, confused and lost as I do now. This is what I resent my parents for; for having robbed me off the chance of completely offering myself up to God when I was still whole and innocent. I know my life would have been so much happier and emotionally fulfilling if I had made that decision right there and then. I don't know if He still considers me pure and chaste, I do hope so and I'm sure the Father does not resent me for giving my life away to a human person instead of Him.

I'll also try to make this introduction of my past life as brief as possible, for I think it is important for context, here goes... 

During my dark youth days I fell in love with a guy who didn't appreciate me at all because I felt desperately lonely and had no one else to talk to about my problems. I didn't want my parents to know about my depression or that I was struggling in school. I had a really hard time during my freshman year at college, I was unable to concentrate and felt out-of-place. I had such a hard time "grounding" with my classmates that I just dropped out. It was me, and two other guys on drugs. Heh, guess how that felt... Another blow to my self-esteem. I didn't hold anything against my classmates; it was really all on me... I was unable to connect with anyone. In high school I couldn't wait to go off to college and start a new life, a life where I'd finally belong somewhere, a life where I'd have real friends and lead a normal, teenage life. I'd soon find out that the college I had applied to was anything BUT what I had expected... It was such a huge disappointment, I felt my entire world spinning out of control. Everyone else around me seemed to make friends easily and pass their exams with straight A+s, whereas I was just floating like a plastic bag in the wind.

This is when my life took a turn for the worst. I went to see counselors and therapist to help me, but none of them knew how to deal with a case like me. They probably thought I was some weird girl just seeking attention. I felt I didn't deserve their help, as there were causes out there much worse than mine. Yeah, I felt like a spoiled kid unable to deal with life adversities. Eventually they thought the medications would cure my anxieties, but it left me feeling more numb than before. At that moment I just decided I didn't want to talk to anybody anymore, I was done with all the people in my life because I honestly felt like they didn't care about me or loved me. That's when I severed the only intimate relationships I had. That with my "best" friend and my then boyfriend. One of them only replied with: "You have potential", the other one didn't bother to contact me to ask if I was "okay". It just made me feel even more worthless and stupid. Sure, now looking back, they didn't owe me anything... It was me after all who broke off our relationships, but I really wasn't in the best place and I thought, since we were such good friends... They must try to reach out to me to at least ask if I really wanted to do this? I probably would have said "NO!" and take back everything I had said. But they didn't, and I was left feeling my worthlessness and my own stupidity confirmed. After having made those mistakes I became seriously depressed... To the point where I was contemplating suicide and not wanting to live anymore. Every night I'd break down crying and asking God over and over again why He wouldn't talk to me; to show me a sign that it would be OK. It was silent. Nothing. Many nights, many days I would go on crying out to God... Sometimes silently; sometimes in really loud screaming fits when no one else was around. I just went through life feeling numb, dumb and useless. I only felt some joy when drawing or going for a walk in nature. Those were the only times I felt somewhat good.

During another one of my "depressive" episodes, a Tarot deck that my deceased grandmother had left me fell on the floor. It was like some invisible force had pushed it off my cabinet and wanted to draw me towards it. Before this incident I had never even thought about spirituality; since I've always been told that it's superstitious mambo-jumbo anyway (my father being atheistic.) I picked it up and out of curiosity I began laying down the cards and read the descriptions carefully one-by-one. I was startled at the objectively deep, profound answers the Tarot cards gave me, they seemed to know EXACTLY how my soul felt, something my therapists couldn't do (God bless them, for they have tried!) Soon enough I would be doing readings for families and close relatives. I became completely mesmerized and absorbed in its inner working, leading me towards studying Eastern mysticism and New-Age beliefs in-depth. I didn't even think of Catholicism, or any other religion, as an option. They seemed to institutionalized and dogmatic for my liberal, secular upbringing. I wanted to experience God directly, I wanted Him to answer me and tell me it would be OK directly. The Tarot cards seemed to fill this void. It wasn't until I had re-discovered my Catholic roots that I found out reading Tarot cards was actually a mortal sin. I have already confessed of these sins, and by the power of God, I will never dabble with the occult again.

Fast forward to today, I have actually reconciled with my ex and we've been together for what seems to be twelve year's now. He really showed that he had remorse over the fact that he hadn't shown me appreciation, and now he can't stop spending time with me and telling me how much he loves me. He has truly changed and I now know I can trust him more than anyone. I'm actually learning a lot from him, than the other way around... So in that sense making that decision wasn't all that bad. As for the other one, well, multiple times I have tried to reach out to her and tell her I'm sorry for severing our relationship so abruptly (that must have hurt her a lot, too, and I still cry over this sometimes) but she doesn't seem to really want me back. That's fine, I understand. I still pray for her and wish her the best.

So... How did I become Catholic and why am I considering becoming a nun? Well, I became a Catholic out of family tradition (my grandmother and great-grandmother from my mother's side were exceptional people and devout Catholics), but also because I think it's the most beautiful religion I've ever had the honor and privilege of getting to know. I have never been so touched and moved by anything in my life, even after having studied Eastern mysticism and Qabbalah which claim to offer you a more "direct" experience of God. I think it was also due to my mum's continual prayer and intercession for me that would ultimately lead me back to God's true Church. I also began praying the Rosary and slowly but surely studied more and more about the Catholic faith (Thanks, Mama Mary... I know you've got my back!). I've always intuitively felt, for instance, that sex was a mortal sin (this is why I had always solemnly swore to give my virginity only to my one true love, which I did and I am still happy for... One of the best decisions I made in my life.) Now I have also completely given up on masturbation, something I also intuitively know to be a mortal sin. The only reason why I kept going for so long is because my boyfriend really likes it and I want to please him, but I told him that I don't want to damn my soul to hell. He respect my decision, even though he is not a Catholic himself (yet... anyway, hehe. Please pray for him!) And this is kind of where the problems start...

He is not a Catholic, whereas I am an aspiring devout Catholic. I'm not kidding you when I say I want to become a saint like my grandmother and great-grandmother. I know I am far, far away from reaching that goal and I'd already be happy soul if I made it to Purgatory, but my only desire now is to please God and God alone. It goes as far as me wanting to only marry my boyfriend if he converted to Catholicism and we would have a Catholic wedding and make Catholic babies. He likes the sound of all that, except not for the Catholic part. He is more open to non-dual/Buddhist thinking, and luckily for me he does have a spiritual, thoughtful side, he just doesn't understand Catholicism at all (the concept of Hell and Purgatory seem utterly bizarre to him.) I don't want to give up on him; he definitely has a feeling for it and I keep hoping and praying that he will meet Christ one day. I'm now at a point in my life where I am wondering whether or not I should wait for him to FINALLY embrace Catholicism with me and raise a Catholic family together, or devoting my entire life to God by becoming a nun. It seems quite drastic, I know, but I feel my life has no meaning if I'm not able to give it up for God... I know I have what it takes, I have great self-control, no interest in the outside world whatsoever, and most importantly of all a fervent and burning desire for God. I've always had this, yet I was never able to use these graces to their full potential because my parents never raised me in the faith. How do I reconcile with having a family that is mostly secular and completely weirded out by anything religious or otherwise? They would never support my decision to become a nun. Especially my father... I don't want to give him a heart attack, and somewhere I think that I'd do a better service to God if I simply obeyed him and lead a regular life, with a regular job like everyone else. I don't want to leave my boyfriend because he needs me. How do you know a spiritual vocation is your calling? What to do?

- Sincerely seeking, a wandering baby soul...

PS: Also, I really appreciate this website! It has helped me a lot in learning about my faith better, so thanks for keeping it up and running! 🙂
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#2
I would suggest you seek a holy priest and talk to him. Tell him your story. God bless
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#3
Lightbulb 
(10-05-2021, 10:28 AM)archangel michael Wrote: I would suggest you seek a holy priest and talk to him.  Tell him your story.  God bless

Thanks so much Archangel Michael, haha. I include you in my prayers every day! Feels like I am talking to the great Archangel himself! 

Yes, I've been looking up information on becoming a nun and there's so much out there, it's making my head spin! If I can get a priest to talk to me this Sunday, I will tell him the same story I told here and hopefully he'll be able to guide me from there. Unfortunately priests here only visit parishes for Mass, sometimes they don't even show up on time to do Confessions and stuff (yep, they're very... relaxed here where I live). I have also decided that I would at least try to visit a cloister and talk to the nuns there (they seem to organize meetings once a month). I'm super nervous about talking about my past, though... I'm afraid that they may think I'm unfit to become a nun, since I have a history of "mental illness" (although I have recovered from my depression years ago thanks to God's intervention. He has literally transformed my life for the better, that's why I am so thankful for Him and want to repay His kindness), I'm still worried I may not be up to the task... Being a nun is very demanding, but I trust that God will give me the strength to perceiver... If this is His way for me, I'll just have to get over my own insecurities heh. In the main time I've been reading passages of reluctant prophets like Jeremiah and I can identify with their hesitancy a lot; I either feel too young, too weak or incompetent. All I have is my love for God. I hope this is enough to see me through! I only hope they'll allow me to do good works, like tending to the poor and marginalized... This is namely one of the reasons why I want to become a nun as well, I'll be able to devout my free time in prayer and I can still be active in the world tending to those who need my help the most. I feel like in the situation I am in right now, I am stuck... I can't move or do anything substantial, I can only work and pay my own bills to survive at this point. I don't want to live for myself, I want to live for others... But it's difficult when you have to work full-time and maintain a boyfriend, haha. I'll keep you guys updated on my journey into becoming a nun... Or not. I've also learned that you don't necessarily need to be a nun to become a saint. You can also lead a perfectly ordinary life. What matters is that you do everything with love and for God. I try to apply this principle into my current job, but I'd rather save souls than working for a big corporation that doesn't care about me or the world at large. But if this is how God wants it, I'll accept it. I'll try to keep you guys updated on my spiritual "development (if you'll have me, that is) and light a candle for all the members of FishEaters.com! God bless! 🙂
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#4
It might be best if you made an appointment to speak with your priest privately, rather than trying to "catch" him for a few minutes after Mass.  That way you'd have his undivided attention and a much longer time to speak with him in much greater detail.
“But all will be well, and all will be well, and every kind of thing will be well.” ~Julian of Norwich

"Sometimes you're the windshield.  Sometimes you're the bug."~Mark Knopfler (?)

"No matter who you are somebody thinks you're a heretic. Wear it like a badge of honor........... :LOL:"~Silouan

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#5
Thank you for your post. God bless you for your generosity.

Are you involved in any activities in your parish?

Any communities of sisters in your area?

Check out your diocese's page on vocations. There will be information, activities and opportunities.

Was it St. Augustine who said, "my heart is restless until it rests in You."

St. Aug. lived a worldly life before becoming a Christian. Notice in his story that St Ambrose was influential on him. I think in every generation saintly people inspire a new generation of saintly Christians. God will likely put one or more saintly people in your path--physical or virtual--to inspire and challenge you as you take your "baby" steps.

God bless you!
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#6
(10-14-2021, 07:09 PM)joegrane Wrote: Thank you for your post. God bless you for your generosity.

Are you involved in any activities in your parish?

Any communities of sisters in your area?

Check out your diocese's page on vocations.  There will be information, activities and opportunities.

Was it St. Augustine who said, "my heart is restless until it rests in You."   

St. Aug. lived a worldly life before becoming a Christian.  Notice in his story that St Ambrose was influential on him.  I think in every generation saintly people inspire a new generation of saintly Christians.  God will likely put one or more saintly people in your path--physical or virtual--to inspire and challenge you as you take your "baby" steps.

God bless you!

Thanks Joe so much for your kind post as well! Your information has helped me a lot, especially the part about looking up the Diocese's page on vocations... I hadn't thought about that at all and when I checked on their website, apparently there are more spiritual vocations in my area (at least, close enough...) than I realized before. This will definitely help me further on my path!

Quote:Was it St. Augustine who said, "my heart is restless until it rests in You."   

St. Aug. lived a worldly life before becoming a Christian.  Notice in his story that St Ambrose was influential on him.  I think in every generation saintly people inspire a new generation of saintly Christians.  God will likely put one or more saintly people in your path--physical or virtual--to inspire and challenge you as you take your "baby" steps.

Yes, yes, yes... This is exactly how I feel... I am so restless, even with a loving boyfriend and a good job, I am constantly seeking God. It is always on my mind, haha. Quite frustrating when you have to live a worldly life and all you can think about is God, everything seems so pale in comparison...

St. Augustine is a great inspiration of mine... When I first heard about his life story I was really surprised at how similar our journey was into the faith. His struggles with discerning Truth while navigating different religious beliefs is very relevant to today's times.

As for now, I've decided to hold off on becoming a nun, until I've got my own life together. In the main time I'm looking up other ways I can still be with God and lead a worldly life. I do know for a fact that if my relationship ever fails with my boyfriend or when I have saved enough money to retire, I WILL join a monastery and lead the rest of my days in pursuit of God. This I know for certain. But for now I feel God is calling me to be there for those around me... It may seem nobler to help the poor and marginalized, but your direct environment, family, friends need you, too. I think God places us in certain situations because He wants us there to do something for Him. Right now I feel like He has placed me with my family, boyfriend and career so I can help them with whatever it is I can give that's uniquely my own in the moment. I also think this would be better for my personal development. I have certain fears and insecurities I need to overcome first before I can fully devote myself to God. I think God actually wants me to become more confident in myself, as a way to witness His power in my life but also to glorify Him and His ways. Might sound strange, but I think if I allowed God to work his wonders in me and through me by participating in the world, I would do Him a much greater service than immediately jumping head on into a monastery... I'm certain that if I go by this route, I will end up much stronger and courageous than I was before and I will be much better equipped to be a good nun later on in life.  Because I know I will be a nun, I just don't know when. 🙂 I'm already glad that I have been able to overcome my depression and that I am so blessed by being able to feel God's presence and love so powerfully in my life every day...  God bless you and may you all find your own "spiritual" vocation in life, too!
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#7
im not the best person around to give spiritual advice but research the mysical marriages of canonized saint nuns. It should give a good insight on the mystical side of nun life.
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